Slight Delay This Week Because (You Guessed It)

My Dog Is Having Shitting Problems Again!

I have no idea if anyone even cares what day the Butt News comes in, but I typically try to send it on Fridays (which means Saturdays because I procrastinate) so that people can have a movie party over the weekend and read along if they want to. But I get the sense from your feedback that most people aren’t actually using the Butt News in that way, which is great too! I just want you to use the Butt News however feels good on your butt. But anyway, I don’t know if anyone even cares or will notice this, but this week’s Butt News will not get to you until Monday or Tuesday, because I am forgiving myself for being behind on my life, because Barry’s ass is exploding again.

We woke up Tuesday morning to a strong smell. I knew what it was as soon as I opened the bedroom door. Barry had done one large diarrhea pie in the middle of the kitchen floor. We cleaned it up in relatively good spirits. It’s just one diarrhea pie! We’ve been here before. We gave Barry tender care for the rest of the day and assumed he just had a little tummy ache.

Wednesday morning dawned. My dear husband said he would make coffee and I should stay in bed for the length of one game of NBA2K (he’s going to get finals MVP!). I settled in and he descended to the main floor, then started screaming. On this fine morning Barry had done TWO diarrhea pies!!!! Aham, an angel, cleaned up the diarrheas all by himself, then came back up to the bedroom to tell me about the diarrheas. I said I would call the vet. He went back downstairs to play the game of 2K and… BARRY HAD DONE A WHOLE NEW DIARRHEA DURING THE FIVE MINUTES HE WAS UPSTAIRS!

I came down and cleaned it up and saved a lil sample as a treat for the vet, then drove it over there. We fed Barry a bland diet and he had no more diarrheas all day. In fact, no poops at all! Comforting yet suspicious!

Before bed, I took Barry out at the latest possible hour, where I ran into a neighbor who told me that the previous evening a man had been running up and down our street with an axe trying to break into houses and he carjacked a car and then crashed it into a stanchion at the park. Barry insisted he did not have to do any diarrhea at all, definitely not, and so we went home and went to bed.

Thursday morning dawned. I woke. I prayed. I opened my bedroom door. My heart sank. The smell was intense! There was definitely diarrhea down there.

I entered the kitchen and found not one, not two, but

FOUR

DIARRHEAS.

Barry seemed to be doubling the number of diarrheas each day. Friday morning it would be eight. At this rate, by next week we’d be up to 1,024 diarrheas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The vet sent me an e-mail saying that the fecal test came back negative for all parasites. “Good news!” they said. NOT REALLY BECAUSE THIS DOG IS STILL PUMPING OUT HOT DIARRHEA PIES RIGHT AND LEFT!

So anyway, long story short, I called them back and the vet squeezed me in Thursday afternoon and diagnosed Barry with mystery colitis and gave me antibiotics and probiotics and some prescription bland food.

And then the vet said! By the way! Did you notice that Barry has a CATARACT!!!?!??!?!? Juvenile cataracts in dogs are rare but apparently Barry HAS ONE and now he has to go to the DOG OPHTHALMOLOGIST, which is a job you can have! And now I have to squeeze steroid gel on to his water line and “let him blink it in,” an easy thing to do with a dog!

In conclusion, I’m worried about my sweet boy’s eyeball, but I’m grateful for his demonic diarrhea because without it we might not have gone to the vet for months. Did Barry give himself diarrhea on purpose as a cry for help because of his clouded eyeball?? I can’t say for sure. We may never know. But I can tell you that this morning?

Zero diarrheas.

(Oh, PS, this week’s movie will be National Treasure and this is honestly the first movie I’ve done for Butt News that you absolutely should not watch.)

<3

Lindy