Butt News Movie Club #19: The Fellowship of the Ring, Part 2

Saruman Is Such a Pick-Me

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… CONTINUED FROM PART 1!

So the wraiths go to the Prancing Pony to commit ritual murder on all the hobbits and get their daddy’s engagement ring back from their bitch stepmother, but they fall for the old pile of pillows prank like they’re Ferris Bueller’s mom.

“WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!” – wraiths

“Life comes at you fast!” – Pippin, loudly fumbling and dropping 17 cabbages

Strider and the gang are watching from across the street (YOU DIDN’T WANT TO GO FARTHER AWAY?) and Strider explains that the Nine are old human kings who got turned into wrinkly wraiths by Sauron. Now they have to take the ring to Rivendell and under no circumstances will they be having Second Breakfast.

Meanwhile, Christopher Lee w his French tip stiletto mani is communing with Sauron via the palantír. Do u think those are Christopher Lee’s real nails? I hope PJ asked him to cut them for the movie and he said no!

So now Saruman has to hang out with orcs all day? Isn’t he kind of a snob? There’s no way the orcs, like, want to talk about the theater! He’s having orcs cut down all the trees in Isengard so they can build an orc pit, which is apparently how you get more orcs? You dig a big hole and then… an orc sac appears… and an orc comes out? There’s no way Saruman isn’t involving his sperm in here somewhere.

Strider and the boys decide to rest at Weathertop, aka the Great Watchtower of Amon Sûl. Strider gives them some little swords and goes to… jerk off somewhere? Frodo wakes up and finds the other guys cooking bacon and tomatoes over a fire and he’s like NOOOOOOOOO and they hear the wraiths go WAAAAAAAAHHHHH and then they’re surrounded!

The wraiths VERY SLOWLY attack the hobbits, who fall down. Then Frodo puts on the ring and sees all the wraiths in their gross ghost form. They’re so mad he saw them without their makeup that they stab him in the shoulder. Then Strider is there fighting FIVE RINGWRAITHS AT ONCE, which seems like it would be really hard!

He sets one on fire, lol, and then that one bungles into all his friends and sets them on fire too, then there’s one left and Strider throws his torch at its FACE and it sticks there like BOIOIOING! Lmao!

Unfortunately, Frodo is fucked up.

“He has been stabbed by a Morghul blade” – Aragorn, SO EXASPERATED

Back at Isengard, the orc pit is coming along hella quick. WHO IS THE GENERAL CONTRACTOR? This is like when China builds a high speed rail line in three hours! I’ve watched too much Grand Designs to believe this was a self-build. God, I wish Kevin was there to roast Saruman. “Now, a sane person would have gone with a rectangular orc pit, straight lines, easy to measure. But these curved walls will really amplify the sound of the screaming, and that’s what you really want in an orc pit like this. Astonishing.”

So, here we find out that orcs have names—that’s HUGE. Who names them? That indicates that they have heritage and culture!

Gandalf is still stuck on the roof like that golden retriever who climbed up a ladder but doesn’t know how to climb down a ladder. Luckily a little moth flooters by and Gandalf is like HEY MAN WAIT A SEC! Do you know my friend bird?? And the moth is like, oh, so you think because I can fly I know your bird? You think everyone in the air knows everyone in the air? Incidentally I do know your friend bird. Moth goes to get him.

Down in the orc pit they’re forging weapons and growing new orcs in the slime sacs. The new orcs are called the Uruk-Hai and they are so mean even the regular orcs are scared of them! I bet the regular orcs also feel a little bit emasculated.

That’s a newborn baby! Saruman has to burp him!

Frodo is busy passing into the shadow realm, so Strider starts looking for medicinal plants. Arwen shows up and calls Frodo back to the light with just her voice. Strider chews up a plant and sticks it in Frodo’s wound and there’s no way it helps. Arwen says she’s faster than Strider so she’s gonna take Frodo on her horse.

“What are you doing? Those wraiths are still out there!” – Sam, understandably mad that Strider (a stranger) just gave Frodo to some lady they met in the woods

The wraiths chase Arwen through the woods, you remember, it’s very exciting. They almost catch her but her special elf horse knows fancy footwork! It does a Shammgod!!!!

They get to the river and Arwen tells the river to douche these idiots. If they didn’t want to get douched they should learn to speak river! Arwen’s like lol about the river but then she remembers that Frodo is unfortunately dying from the Morghul blade.

“Frodo, no! Frodo, don’t give in, not now!” – Arwen

WHY DO YOU CARE? HOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHO FRODO IS OR WHY HE’S IMPORTANT? GANDALF IS THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOWS ABOUT THIS AND HE’S ON TOP OF ORTHANC TALKING TO BUGS. I DON’T EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT STRIDER THINKS IS HAPPENING!

Frodo dies and then Arwen hugs him and cries so then he un-dies. Frodo wakes up at Elrond’s house and Gandalf is there! It’s October 24th, which is only 3 days before I watched this!!! (Sorry this took me so long to write. I am a slug.)

Gandalf flashes back to when he was still stuck on Saruman’s roof. Saruman comes back to beat him up some more—earlier he was like, “ok I gotta stop beating you up because I have a meeting with Lurtz, but I’ll be back!”

Gandalf ‘s like “Sauron’s never going to actually share power with you, just so you know” and Saruman is like SHUT UP YES HE WILL! Saruman’s such a pick-me. He’s like the Candace Owens of Middle Earth.

Then Gwaihir, King of the Eagles, rescues Gandalf and he flies away giving Saruman the fingers!!! He has to leave his staff behind, but I guess Gandalf’s staff does not matter? WHAT DOES IT DOOOOOOOO? Can he just make another one?

Grodo (typo but I’m leaving it) is reunited with his friends and also Bilbo, who has aged 50 years in two weeks.

From my notes:

Merry and Pippin are going to get so fat when their metabolisms slow down

Did u know that hobbits carry all their fat in their feet

Their feet and their dick

They’re called hobbits bc they’ve got huge hobs

Frodo’s like, “What a rush! Boy, I sure am glad my adventure’s finally over!” Sam’s already packed and ready to go home.

Gandalf tells Elrond that “Saruman has crossed orcs with goblin-men” (WHAT ARE GOBLIN-MEN?) and Elrond is stressed: “We do not have the strength to fight both Mordor and Isengard. Gandalf, the ring cannot stay here.”

Then all our buds show up: Boromir, Legolas, Gimli. Gandalf says they have to put their faith in men to fix this (NEVER), but Elrond says, “It is because of men the ring survives.” Elrond is extremely disappointed in men because he was there when Isildur (man) refused to toss the ring into the fire of Mt. Doom. He says men are all disorganized and shitty and no one can unite them. Gandalf is like I MIGHT KNOW ONE GUY.

Boromir is wandering around Rivendell and finds the shards of Narsil, the blade that cut the ring from Sauron’s hand. He picks it up—WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT THIS IS A MUSEUM—and cuts himself, then he THROWS IT ON THE FLOOR AND DOESN’T PICK IT UP.

I agree with Elrond, kill all men.

Strider tenderly puts Narsil back on its platter, then Arwen shows up for a pep talk: “Why do you fear the past? You are Isildur’s heir, not Isildur himself. You are not bound to his fate.” Dang, Arwen should be on Cameo!

Arwen and Strider have the most boring slow-motion romance on a bridge.

Strider: “You said you’d bind yourself to me, forsaking the immortal life of your people.”

Arwen: “I would rather share one lifetime with you than face all the ages of this world alone.”

Sounds like toxic monogamy to me! Seriously tho what do u think Arwen’s body count is.

Arwen gives him her necklace.

Strider: “You cannot give me this.”

Arwen: “It is mine to give to whom I will, like my heart.”

Strider: “No, I meant I don’t WANT IT, I’m trying to downsize!”

Now it’s the council of Elrond. Shouldn’t we do like an icebreaker or something? In the extended cut they do two truths and a lie. Elrond has Frodo bring forth the ring and everyone flips. Boromir only lasts two seconds looking at the ring before he’s like I GOTTA WIELD IT.

“You cannot wield it. None of us can.” – Strider

Boromir is like exqueese me what do YOU know about it you’re just a RANGER.

Legolas: “This is no mere ranger. He is Aragorn. Son of Arathorn. You owe him your allegiance.”

OOOOOHHHHHH SHIIIIIIITTTTT!!!!!!!! This is a huge reveal that nobody seems to care about that much. It’s not a problem now that they’re extremely famous but Viggo Mortenson and Sean Bean look too much alike.

I’d like to know a little more about Arathorn. What was that guy’s vibe?

Boromir: “This is Isildur’s heir??????”

Legolas, in his lavender muumuu: “And heir to the throne of Gondor.”

Aragorn is like COOL IT, LEGOLAS in Elvish. “Ixnay on the ingkay of Ondorgay!!!!”

Elrond says they gotta destroy the ring, so Gimli interrupts like ok I got it and hits it with his axe, which explodes and gives Frodo a Sauron migraine. Elrond is like [eye roll] AS I WAS SAYING, actually we have to throw the ring back into the fiery chasm from which it came? And Boromir says his famous line, “One does not simply walk into Mordor.”

Like, I get that Boromir is kind of a reckless dickhead, but also I empathize! He’s lived his whole life right next door to Mordor, not in softboi Rivendell! He reminds me of my mom. Like, Boromir found mouse turds in the kitchen again and everyone else is out in the yard playing frisbee! Of course he’s fed up! You idiots don’t even get that Mordor REALLY FUCKING SUCKS!

Everyone is fighting JUST LIKE THE RING WANTS and Frodo starts feeling sick. Finally Frodo peeps, “I will take the Ring to Mordor,” which feels like the kind of passive-aggressive shit I do when I want my husband to take the Ring to Mordor.

Gandalf is like oh no. We really want a teenager in charge of this?

Frodo gets Aragorn’s sword, Legolas’s bow, and Gimli’s axe, and Boromir says, “If this is really the will of the council then Gondor will see it done.” YOU GUYS ACCEPTED THIS REAL FAST!

Then Sam and Merry and Pippin all pop out and are like “We’re coming too!” and Elrond says, “You shall be the Fellowship of the Ring!” Again. Are we sure.

Bilbo gives Frodo his special sword Sting (WAY not enough Sting appreciation in this movie!) and his mithril cloak. Then he sees the ring on Frodo’s necklace and gets monster-face, but then he apologizes. “I’m sorry I brought this upon you, my boy. I’m sorry that you must carry this burden.” Apology NOT ACCEPTED!

FINALLY, the Fellowship is on the road! Hey, can somebody call Hobbiton and let one person know what happened to Frodo, Sam, Merry, AND Pippin?? They have families!

Gimli suggests that they pass through the Mines of Moria, says his cousin Balin will give them a great party, doesn’t think it’s weird that no one has heard from Balin OR ANYONE ELSE for like 40 years. Gandalf says absolutely not.

Legolas’s elf eyes see some evil birds (spies of Saruman!) so Gandalf says that settles it: “We must take the pass of Caradhras,” aka CLIMB OVER A MOUNTAIN. Okay, do you guys have, like, crampons? Socks? The hobbits don’t even have shoes!

Frodo falls over and the ring falls off and Boromir picks it up. Aragorn makes Boromir give it back and Boromir is like lol no big I don’t even like it, but you can tell he does!!!!

Back in Saruman’s orc pit, ALL 400 birds fly in there to tell Saruman what they saw. Couldn’t ONE bird have gone in and the rest wait outside? Saruman sends an evil magic snowstorm to smoosh our heroes. Clearly Caradhras is a no-go, so they have to either go through the Mines of Moria or the Gap of Rohan. But the Gap of Rohan is too close to Isengard! This is a pickle! Gandalf says that the ring bearer should decide. Does he have enough information to make that decision? CAN WE GIVE HIM SOME PROS AND CONS? Frodo chooses the mines BECAUSE HE’S COLD. He is famously incorrect!

At the gates of Moria, they send Bill the Pony away (he survived that avalanche??), Merry and Pippin are throwing rocks in the pond, and Gandalf starts trying to figure out how to get inside. It says “Speak friend and enter” on the door, so Gandalf stands there and yells at it until Frodo goes, “It’s a riddle!” Reader, it’s not a riddle. It just has the password written on the door. If anything, it’s more like a CAPTCHA.

Gandalf speaks friend and the door opens. Gimli is stoked: “This, my friends, is the home of my cousin Balin. And they call it a mine.” Boromir: “This is no mine. It’s a tomb!” Unfortunately there are dead dwarves all over the place!

They turn to leave and head for the Gap of Rohan instead, but SOMEBODY had to disturb the arcane horror lurking in the pond, which traps them all inside with the corpses of Gimli’s friends and family. Okay, so… remind me how Merry and Pippin have helped so far? All they do is fuck up! There’s definitely a HOC (hobbit of color) that would have been more qualified for this!

The whole Watcher in the Water sequence is one of those things that’s sooooo freaking scary in the book and really doesn’t land in the movie. Something about watching a CGI Frodo get ragdolled around by a squid just does nothing for my nads! In the book they’re all like SCREW THIS CURSED POND the second they get there and you’re on edge throughout, but in the movie they’re just frolicking around like dingalings! Build me some creeping dread, PJ!!! I’m sure I’m biased because my first encounter with this material was as a terrified six-year-old being read aloud to by her dad, but the original Watcher in the Water sequence leading into the whole drums-in-the-deep situation is so scary it should be illegal!

SPEAKING OF BOOK-MORIA, THIS WHOLE PART IS ALSO NOT NEARLY SCARY ENOUGH. The thing I remember about Moria in the books, which does not translate in this film, is that our guys were stuck in there for hella long and it was dark as hell! It was claustrophobic and terrifying and you (me, age 6) kind of did not think they were going to get out. In the movie they’re like doot de doot de doo, wow, this isn’t ideal! And they walk for a bit and then they’re done. WRONG!

To be fair, Gandalf does say that it’s a four-day journey to the other side of the mines, but it doesn’t FEEL like a four-day journey to the other side of the mines. Gandalf: “Let us hope our presence goes unnoticed.” WELL IT DOESN’T AND GUESS WHOSE FAULT THAT IS.

So they start walking and Gandalf is immediately like uuuuuhhhhhhh I gotta be honest I don’t know which way to go AT ALL. So they stop to chill while Gandalf thinks and Frodo sees Gollum sneaking around in the shadows. Frodo wants to murder Gollum but Gandalf says that his heart tells him Gollum has some part to play yet “for good or ill.” Okay well if it’s for ill then you should NOT want it! Don’t just say things that sound good! Make sure they make sense!

Frodo wishes he never got stuck doing this dumb job. RESPECTFULLY, YOU WEIRDLY VOLUNTEERED.

Finally Gandalf remembers that they should take the least stinky path, so they head out. They get to the dwarf city of Dwarrowdelf, which seems like it’s mostly pillars? How is pillars a city? Gimli finds Balin’s Tomb and Balin’s Diary, and he finds out that Durin & Co. got royally hosed by some kind of ancient evil. And here we encounter the three English phrases that have traumatized Lindy West more than any other besides “one size fits all”:

1.     “drums in the deep”

2.     “we cannot get out”

3.     “they are coming”

Drums in the deep we cannot get out they are coming????? NOTHING SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME MORE IN 1988. But here? Am I scared? Not really! I want you to sit with that, Peter Jackson!

Then of course Pippin fucks everything up again and knocks a corpse down a well. They hear it—DRUMS, DRUMS IN THE DEEP—and suddenly there are bad guys everywhere. It’s orcs and a cave troll! Man, they got up there really fast! Are you sure it wasn’t drums in the one floor down?

Everyone’s getting ready to fight/probably die and Gimli is like I WANT THEM TO COME! I do not relate to that shit, man.

The orcs bust through the door and they all fight. Sam bonks several orcs with his frying pan: “I think I’m getting the hang of this!” I’m sorry but the hobbits would die.

Okay, look, I hate to ask this, but do orcs have penises?

Aragorn saves Frodo from the cave troll while Merry and Pippin just throw potatoes at it. Frodo gets speared by the troll so Merry and Pippin jump on it to get revenge by hitting it with even bigger potatoes! Dang, Frodo is always getting stabbed.

They finally kill the troll and luckily Frodo was saved by his mithril cloak/bulletproof underwear.

Gandalf: “I think there’s more to this hobbit than meets the eye!”

You didn’t already think that???? When you ENTRUSTED HIM WITH THE ONE RING?

They can hear more orcs coming so they all run to the Bridge of Khazad-dûm and, come on, there’s no way they’re all the same speed. They’re surrounded but then, mysteriously, all the orcs flip out and scuttle away.

It’s Balrog time! Durin’s Bane herself! DO YOU KNOW HOW SCARY IT WAS WHEN MY DAD TOLD ME ABOUT THE BALROG? The Balrog is another thing that doesn’t deliver in the movie! You’re telling me a Balrog is a… big strong goat? BOOOOOO. Here’s how Tolkien described the B-rog: "It was like a great shadow, in the middle of which was a dark form, of man-shape maybe, yet greater; and a power and terror seemed to be in it and to go before it." See? Leave a little to the imagination, PJ!

Gandalf says, shit, that’s a Balrog, demon of the ancient world. “This foe is beyond any of you. Lead them on, Aragorn.” Yeah, tell them you might be open to a relationship!

They come to a gap in the stairs, so Boromir jumps over with Merry and Pippin and then Aragorn THROWS SAM, lol. Gimli insists on jumping himself (“nobody tosses a dwarf”) and then the gap widens and Aragorn and Frodo are stuck. Hey, why not prioritize Frodo? Merry and Pippin went first? Are you fucking kidding me? Btw who invented these stairs? The dwarves could build this whole underground city but they couldn’t make banisters?

Then we see the Balrog! Gandalf drops his LinkedIn credentials—servant of the secret fire AND wielder of the flame of Anor?—and tells Balrog “You shall not pass.” Balrog falls into the abyss but catches Gandalf’s tiniest toe with his fiery whip!

Gandalf falls into the pit and Pippin’s all CRYING. Yeah that was your fuckin’ fault, Pippin!

They get outside and Aragorn is like okay we gotta GO but Boromir is like GIVE THEM A MINUTE THEY’RE SAD! Boromir is the most human, for good and bad!

They make it to Lothlorien and get caught by the elves. Okay, so who built all this shit in Lothlorien? Are some elves manual laborers?

Galadriel says the Fellowship’s quest is “on the edge of a knife” and if anyone strays EVEN A LITTLE they’re gonna fail. With her eyes: THAT MEANS U, BOROMIR. Then she gives a decoy speech while she talks to Frodo in his brain and calls him out for making eye contact with Sauron.

Boromir says he HATES Lothlorien and finds it actually really stressful and reveals that Galadriel talked to him in his brain too: “She spoke of my father and the fall of Gondor.” Aragorn says that there’s still hope, but Boromir says that Gondor hasn’t had any hope in a long time. This scene is SAD AND GOOD.

Frodo wakes up and finds Galadriel wandering around in the dark. He follows her down to her little magic mirror dish.

More from my notes:

She want him to put his Smeagol in her kegel

Galadriel’s a cougar (she is 8000 years old)

Frodo looks in the mirror and sees Hobbiton on fire and hobbits in chains being taken to Mordor on an orc boat to serve Sauron. Realistically, what could they help Sauron with? Galadriel says that’s what’s going to happen if Frodo fucks this up.

Galadriel: “The Fellowship is breaking.”

Are you kidding? THE FELLOWSHIP JUST STARTED.

Frodo offers Galadriel the ring and she wants it so much she’s SHAKING AND GLOWING, like when someone offers me French’s Crispy Fried Onions, all shall love me and despair, etc, but then she gets her shit together and doesn’t take it. “I passed the test. I will diminish and go into the West and remain Galadriel.”

That’s more my vibe! Oh, drums in the deep, you say? BRB, diminishing!!!!!

Frodo’s like “I cannot do this alone” and Galadriel is like “all ring bearers are alone,” which I don’t think is a real rule, so basically fuck off this isn’t my responsibility, you gotta figure it out.

Saruman talks to his son Lurtz about the birds and the bees and the origins of the orcs—apparently they’re elves “taken by the dark powers,” WHICH IS CONFUSING, because they also appear to be monsters that hatch fully grown out of sacs??? BTW, Lurtz, are you sure you want to do this war? You could totally bang! You’ve got a whole Tim Riggins thing going on! Maybe take a bath!

I do want to point out that Lurtz CLEARLY took the time to put his hair up in a half-pony after this scene! Do you think he borrowed a hair-tie from Saruman?

Before:

After:

Galadriel gives Frodo the light of Erendil, which doesn’t NOT look like a sex toy. They paddle away down the river, but soon come to a big waterfall, so they all have to get out. Aragorn says they should approach Mordor from the north. Gimli is like HORRIBLE PLAN. (Like your plans have been so great, Gimli!!) Legolas says that “A shadow and a threat has been growing in my mind. Something draws near. I can feel it.” Frodo wanders off LIKE A GENIUS and runs into Boromir, who has stepped away to rate the Argonath on Wikifeet.

Boromir tells Frodo, look, I can tell you hate being the ring-bearer. You should loan me the ring! Frodo says, “You are not yourself,” and it’s so sweet that Frodo still thinks Boromir is a good guy! I like that. Boromir chases Frodo, so Frodo puts the ring on and disappears.

Boromir says, “I see your mind. You will take the ring to Sauron! You will betray us! Curse you! And all the halflings!” But then he falls down and feels bad and is like, “Frodo, I’m sorry!”

In ring-world, Frodo sees Sauron’s eye and now Sauron knows where he is, dang. Aragorn finds Frodo, who tells him that the ring has totally messed up Boromir. Frodo is scared of Aragorn at first but Aragorn passes the test! He does not want the ring. THIS PART IS SO SAD!

Aragorn: “I would have gone with you to the end, into the very fires of Mordor.”

Frodo: “Look after the others, especially Sam. He will not understand.”

Aragorn can tell that Frodo needs to go on by himself. R U SURE?? There has to be some number in between nine and one?? Aragorn sees that Sting is glowing blue, which means there are orcs about, so he tells Frodo to run. Then Aragorn fights 400 super-orcs all by himself! It’s hot!

Frodo sees Merry and Pippin in the woods and they realize that he’s bailing, so they lure the orcs away by doing a funny puppet show with some celery. Good job, guys! You did one helpful thing!

Merry and Pippin are about to get killed by the orcs but Boromir shows up to save them and blows the horn of Gondor TOOT TOOT TOOT. Legolas and Aragorn go down there to help him but Lurtz shoots Boromir with thick black orc arrows. Merry and Pippin are just standing there instead of running away! GO! HE’S LITERALLY DYING SO YOU CAN ESCAPE! It’s mad disrespectful. Goodwill obliterated.

Instead of escaping, Merry and Pippin run back into the battle to try and fight but the orcs kidnap them because they think they must be Mister Frodo. It’s like when TiVo would record the wrong thing.

Lurtz is about to shoot Boromir in the face but then Aragorn shows up and fights Lurtz. Aragorn loses! JK he wins. Boromir says “They took the little ones! I have failed you all.” Aragorn promises that he will not let the White City fall and Boromir feels a little bit better. He tells Aragorn, “I would have followed you my brother. My captain. My king.” CUTE! SOB!

Frodo is just paddling away when Sam catches up with him and insists on coming along. Frodo savagely tries to leave anyway so Sam throws himself into the river and almost drowns trying to get to the boat! Frodo has to rescue Sam from drowning and then they both almost drown, dooming all of Middle Earth to eternal darkness! Ha ha, Sam is such a doof. Sam and Frodo leave together.

The rest of the guys send Boromir’s body over the falls in a boat.

Boromir: “Oh hey guys I just woke up [boat goes over falls] waaaaaahhhhhh!!! [falling and falling, voice growing fainter] Whyyyyyy diiiiidn’t anyoooooone taaaake myyy puuuuulse!?”

Aragorn says they’re gonna let Frodo go on alone. Gimli’s like, “Then it has all been in vain. The Fellowship has failed.” But Aragorn says NO, we have one even more important task than taking the ring to Mordor! We’ve got to SAVE MERRY AND PIPPIN!!!!!!!

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