Butt News Movie Club #20: The Devil's Advocate

Satan Has a Day Job? Sir, Can't You FLY??

[Did you know that I turned 40 last March and when you turn 40 it’s your birthday all year until your next birthday? IF YOU WANT TO GET ME SOMETHING FOR MY BIRTHDAY, MY ONLY BIRTHDAY WISH IS THAT YOU SUBSCRIBE TO BUTT NEWS USING MONEY! Especially if you are a Satanic lawyer who is also a Manhattan landlord who is also literally a PRINCE (of darkness)! I promise to use the money for sinning ONLY (gluttony, sloth, light wrath).

As always, if you have suggestions for future movies, put them in the comments HERE.

Also, I took a break but I’m BACK ON CAMEO! Just in time for Valentine’s Day! Or whatever you want! You should book me! Seriously I’m very good at it and all my videos are way longer than they should be because I cannot shut up. If you booked one and I missed it, please rebook!]

This Butt News goes out to the time my friend Hester tried to rent a regular yoga DVD but accidentally rented a yoga DVD for the elderly called “Silver Fox Yoga” starring Al Pacino’s dad, SAL PACINO!

Also, before I start, this movie is PERFECT ENTERTAINMENT and this Butt News contains comprehensive spoilers so you should consider watching the movie before/concurrently with reading this Butt News!

We open in a lake of fire. That’s Satan’s house! If we’re accepting the premise that Satan is a real guy who is also a lawyer, how does he live in a lake? Does he float around all day? Does he have a houseboat? What’s it made of? Is that part of the torture of hell—that you’re dog-paddling in the fire but Satan has a really cool houseboat?

More Satan Qs that I have had all my life: Is hell a place that Satan likes or is it a punishment for him? If Satan is punishing people who sinned against God then isn’t he kind of doing God a favor? Does that mean that God is his boss? So then isn’t Satan… good? Is the lake lava or just sort of ambient fire? Does Satan walk on fire the way Jesus walks on water? Way cooler, imo! The first of many, many points for Satan that this movie delivers!

SATAN: 1

JESUS: 0

Heather Matarazzo is crying on the stand in a Florida courtroom, testifying against her nasty math teacher, Frank Sobotka/Andy Bellefleur, depending on which era of my early-mid-2000s binge-watching you ask.

Keanu Reeves, the molester’s defense attorney, is confident and smug! He is going to DESTROY this traumatized teen!! He doesn’t even feel bad, because he’s pretty confident that his client is innocent. Until Heather Matarazzo starts describing the horrible incident and Frandy Smellefleur DOES A MOLESTING MOTION ON THE UNDERSIDE OF THE TABLE with his WET FINGERS! Keanu is like dude, STOP, EW, THE REPORTERS CAN SEE U AND MORE IMPORTANTLY SO CAN I AND I HATE IT! Okay, score one point for Jesus if Jesus is the opposite of this sick shit!!!!!!!!! I’m a fundamentalist Christian now! (If you guys don’t stop masturbating I am going to LOSE IT.)

SATAN: 1

JESUS: 1

It’s almost Keanu’s turn for cross-examination, but he’s conflicted because of the table molestation he saw. Heather adds that in addition to attacking her, the guy also tried it again with her friend. The prosecutor is like, “I have NOTHING FURTHER!” and then dramatically THROWS his glasses at Keanu. Dude, you need those to see! This implies a point later in the day when he has to slink over to the defense table in shame and ask for his glasses back. Humiliating!

They take a recess and Keanu is VERY MAD AT ANDY/FRANK (his name is actually Lloyd) because Keanu thought these weeping children were lying and sweaty Lloyd was telling the truth until he saw Lloyd molest the table wetly! “Why don’t we put you on the stand and you can jerk off for the judge!?” LMAO! Good one!

SATAN: 2

JESUS: 1

Keanu storms into the bathroom and a sassy reporter corners him (if this man’s face is driving you absolutely crazy, he’s Billy from Dirty Dancing who has Baby carry a watermelon). He carries his watermelon over to the urinal and mocks Keanu cruelly while draining his watermelon. Is this a real thing that happens? Where local reporters hate the hotshot lawyer and mock him with their watermelons out? I did not know this was a part of the lawyer ecosystem.

Keanu does a DEMONIC SMILE WHICH I HATE (see above) and gets back to work. Time to absolutely carpaccio this girl’s humanity!

He asks Heather if she ever got in trouble in class…if, maybe, she ever called her teacher a “disgusting pig monster”??? The gallery cannot believe this blockbuster question. BURBLE BURBLE BURBLE!!! Heather is like no, WTF are you talking about, my man? Oh, I’m sorry, says Keanu, I meant to say, “HUGE HOG BEAST!” Gasps from every corner!

OBJECTION!!!!! The Gainesville Huge Hog Beast is the state animal of Florida and it is a COMPLIMENT to be compared to one!

Keanu whips out what is by far the most hilarious piece of fake evidence I have ever seen in a movie—a note written in Heather’s handwriting that has a drawing of Lloyd as a hog man that says, “He’s a huge hog beast, he probably eats 1000 pancakes for breakfast!!!!!!” Okay, I’m not mad at you, Heather, but my culture is not a costume!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A triumphant Keanu windmill-dunks on Heather with her own PRIVATE NOTE (which 8th grader snitched to the devil?????) while she weeps. Wow, you are absolutely demolishing this fragile kid! It is good to put children on the stand and then torture them for all to see.

I have to skim over the next part because it’s honestly disturbing, but basically Keanu claims that, as revenge for getting in trouble in math class, Heather THE SMALL SNAKE BEAST who wants to MAKE PANCAKES ILLEGAL lured all her friends into a secret sex game at a party and then threatened to tell everyone about it if they didn’t say that Mr. Lloyd/Frank/Andy molested them too: “So she made up a story about a math teacher she didn’t like, a huge hog beast who kept her after class.” For future reference, if you are a small-town swamp judge confronted with evidence of this type, no human child has ever done sex blackmail to frame their hog teacher! That hog’s guilty for sure!

But of course Keanu wins (he has never lost a case, thanks to SATAN, but he doesn’t know that yet), so he and his wife Charlize Theron (sporting a truly beyond Cajun-by-way-of-Johannesburg accent) and Billy from Dirty Dancing go to the bar to do shots. Someone is like “you’re a good lawyer!” and Keanu is like “NO SHOP TALK!” because when you’re re-victimizing abused children using the power of the state u gotta compartmentalize! That’s day 1 of law school!

Keanu is so excited about winning that he is just casually eating Charlize’s ass in the bar, a.k.a. THE DEVIL’S FRUIT.

Then a guy comes up to Keanu and says he wants him to come to New York and help him select a jury for a high-profile case at his fancy law firm. Is this what it was like before cell phones? People just came and found you at the honky-tonk butt club when you were wasted to offer you jobs?

Keanu says this weird thing about how it was great strategy for the fancy firm to send a Black guy to recruit him—“the black thing—you being black”—and, reader, what?! I can’t even tell if this is offensive! Sound off in comments!

On their way out of town, Keanu and Charlize stop by Keanu’s mom’s church to say byebye and find these Christians just ROASTING Satan (which he probably likes—get real, Christians!). Mom is a huge bitch about them going to New York because “it has become a dwelling place of demons.” Then Keanu quotes the Bible from memory about what happened to Babylon, which was that it got FULL OF LAWYERS and the math teachers got to have sex with ANYONE! Just like New York! He says he’s going there anyway, and then he sucks the earring right off of Charlize’s earlobe IN FRONT OF HIS MOM AND JESUS! It’s gross and I am on Jesus’s side here!

SATAN: 2

JESUS: 2

Keanu shows up to help the cocky New York lawyer choose the jury. He says PASS on all kinds of jurors that seemed good. One guy makes his own shoes (OUT) and another lady is “damaged goods” who is only doing jury duty for revenge (OUT). “How the hell do you know that?” the New York lawyer asks. “I don’t know!” says Keanu! Sometimes Satan just makes you a savant at knowing which jurors make their own shoes but doesn’t tell you why!

Keanu leaves the courthouse and Al Pacino (SATAN) is peepin’ and creepin’. Maybe the artistic team intended for it to be a big twist that Pacino is Satan, but the marketing team was like “not today, Satan!” and made Al Pacino being Satan the whole trailer and the only thing anyone remembers about this movie. Did you even know that Charlize is in this?? She is basically the main character and she’s so good!!!!!! Her break-out role! Pacino goes down into the subway a.k.a. HELL because transit is DEMONIC unlike GOD’S JELLY, PETROLEUM.

SATAN: 3

JESUS: 2

Charlize tells Keanu that his mom called and “She has her baaaaad feeling [DOWN THERE].” Keanu doesn’t take this seriously because his mom always has a bad feeling because having a good feeling is illegal in Florida Christianity. He shoulda listened!

Keanu updates Charlize on the trial he just did his jury devil magic on: “The man was as guilty as can be. Not a jury anywhere was gonna let him off… Except one. MY JURY! MY JURY! 38 MINUTES! MY JURY! I’M TOO GOOD!” You know what? If that’s the kind of confidence boost Satan gives you, then I’m tempted! Do you know how much more successful I would be if I believed my work(/SELF) was “good” instead of rotten dogpiss that I have to apologize for making you read?????? I would have at least 100 more dollars!

SATAN: 4

JESUS: 2

So it turns out that Al Pacino is the senior?/founding? partner (I don’t know the lawyer words!) at Keanu’s new law firm, which means… the devil works a day job at a law firm???? The devil went to law school and worked his way up from associate and filled out a W2 and supervised the purchase of office furniture and whether they should get a Keurig or a Nespresso? Okay, I guess! Can’t you FLY?

Keanu goes into the office and sees Connie Nielsen, one of the other lawyers. Sucks when u have a coworker who looks exactly like ur hot wife but is a minion of the devil. That’s probably what happened to Adam Levine.

He visits Al Pacino in his office, a concrete windowless round room with two chairs and a big fire. The doors HISSSSSSSSS like a big snake as he enters! You can’t deny it: Satanism is camp!

SATAN: 5

JESUS: 2

Pacino asks about why Keanu switched from proseCUTIE to deFOINEse HOTtorney, and Keanu says it was because of money (the devil’s salad!). Pacino asks whether or not Keanu thought the math teacher was guilty and Keanu says: “I’ll put it like this--I began the case with a clear conscience.” REAL LAWYER QUESTION: If you’re a defense attorney and you believe your client is guilty, aren’t you committing perjury in court if you argue that he’s not? So how do you do your job? Are you obligated to, like, not ask your client too many questions and not focus your eyes on him too hard so you can pretend you don’t know he is a for-sure table-molester? I know I asked a lawyer friend about this once and I can’t remember what she said but I think it was “yeah basically”? (I also once asked a Christian friend my question about Satan being God’s employee and she said “that’s not really how it works.” Okay, but ?????????????)

Keanu says he was a really good defense attorney because he spent five years hiding in the Gainesville courthouse men’s room listening to juries deliberate through a hole in the wall and maybe he licked his tongue in the hole a little bit too. Pacino LOVES IT. “Walk with me!”

Pacino pushes a button and WHIRRRRRR—the wall opens and it’s an infinity pool overlooking Manhattan! With no railing or anything! The devil hates safety! Well, jokes on you, because I love safety. Jesus, comin’ from behind!

SATAN: 5

JESUS: 3

I have no idea what their conversation was about but I think Pacino asks Keanu to sign on full-time and run his new criminal division, and also offers him an apartment in his building where he lives in the penthouse and all his favorite evil minions live in the apartments.

Keanu: “Are we negotiating?”

Pacino: “Always.”

Charlize and Keanu move into Satan’s Apartment (can you imagine if Satan was your boss AND YOUR LANDLORD? wait actually yes), and it’s nice and everything, but LOL that the best the devil can get you in Manhattan is a three-bedroom. Then Keanu meets all the lawyers at the firm and let me tell you Milton, Chadwick, Waters has EVERY KIND! Asian man, old woman, Italian woman, European man, disgraced principal from Ferris Bueller, Black guy who went to Florida, and Connie Nielsen! It’s like a boy band!

Now it’s into Keanu’s first case! Al Pacino (MILTON, obviously—no sign of Chadwick and Waters) shows him some NYPD bodycam footage of a raid where they arrest Delroy Lindo for sacrificing a goat in his basement. Seems like just a boring health code case, right? Kind of, yeah! I hope it doesn’t become weird and racist!

Meanwhile, Charlize is picking out damask for their new apartment. Keanu shows up and haggles with the textile vendor and gets a SATANIC DAMASK DISCOUNT. Satan just cannot stop winning, from where I’m sitting!

SATAN: 6

JESUS: 3

Then he goes to see his new client in a BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD and I think you’re supposed to feel VERY WORRIED FOR HIM and he goes down into the basement and Delroy Lindo pulls a big beef tongue out of the fridge and says he’s going to do a Voodoo spell with it to “create silence.” And I’M SORRY, is this law firm defending Delroy Lindo the Haitian goat murderer because it’s implying that his traditional religion is inherently Satanic? And Satan is getting his boy’s back by comping Al Pacino’s retainer???? PRETTY BOLD MOVE, MOVIE!!!!!

Back home, Charlize is picking out truly putrid paint colors for her gorgeous Manhattan apartment and the movie is trying to act like Tamara Tunie (another lawyer wife) is being a bitch about it but SHE IS RIGHT! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?

Charlize keeps painting the walls different kinds of ugly green and Tunie is like, “Mary Ann I’m just trying to help, I mean, it’s your walls, do what you want,” but respectfully she should not do what she wants because what she wants is gross. On the plus side, this movie accidentally passes the Bechdel test because these two women have this absolutely bizarre conversation about paint!

Charlize and Tunie commiserate about being bored rich lawyer wives. Charlize complains that she never sees Keanu anymore and this is the first time she hasn’t had a job since she was 13! She’s so bored! I am not clear on why she doesn’t go get a job then? I’m sure the answer is like “Satan’s mind control,” but this movie would have turned out way better for her if she was bartending a couple nights a week! Tunie says that if she wants to see HER husband, Leamon (Florida guy), she has to make an appointment. Then she goes: “You got three choices, the holy trinity: You can work, you can play, or you can breed.” (RED FLAG THAT SHE IS SATANIC—VERY CONFUSED ABOUT WHO IS IN THE HOLY TRINITY!)

Okay, but so she CAN work?? I mean personally I would still pick “play” (marry “play,” kill “work,” fuck “breed” W/ CONDOM), but Charlize doesn’t seem excited at all about this great news for her. Instead of choosing the easy solution to the problem she was JUST complaining about, she picks a 4th secret thing on the holy trinity, which is “slowly lose your mind about wallpaper.”

It’s time for Delroy Lindo’s trial, so Keanu brings a big veal to the court and plops it on the table. He says that humans kill animals for meat all the time and that’s all Delroy Lindo did! He just did it religiously instead of for the munchies. And THEN he says, “how is this different from circumcision?” and readers, I am not touching that one with Satan OR Jesus’s ten-foot watermelon!!!!!

The prosecutor tries to object but HE CAN’T TALK!!!!!!!!! HE GOT VOODOO BEEF TONGUE POISONING! He just stands there and coughs and chokes forever and CAN THE JUDGE CALL A RECESS OR SOMETHING? But apparently, in the state of New York, if you get a cough from a Voodoo tongue spell you lose on a technicality. Keanu wins!

Pacino tells Keanu that Delroy Lindo secretly has $15 million: “What do you think he’s paying us in—goat’s blood?” Reader, I don’t love it either.

Sorry, the devil wears a hat??

Pacino explains to Keanu that his secret to being a good lawyer (SATAN) is being innocuous, and then he tells a disgusting story about having intercourse with a woman until she cannot walk: “I’m the hand up Mona Lisa’s skirt. I’m a surprise, Kevin. They don’t see me comin’. That’s what you’re missing.” Um, okay??? And THEN HE SAYS, “There’s a chicken that plays tic tac toe” and kind of implies that he is friends with the chicken? UM!!! OKAY!!!!!!!!!!!

SATAN: 10

JESUS: 3

Keanu goes home and sees that the whole apartment is fucked up and nothing is painted green. Charlize shows him one room and goes, “It was going to be a nursery but then I remembered you haven’t been home long enough to knock me up,” which, I don’t know, you sound like a mom to me!!!

They go to the Barzoons’ for dinner, which is another couple from the firm (disgraced Ferris Bueller principal and wife) who also live in the demonic apartment building. It’s a who’s who of New York law and “THE Republicans of New York”! Someone is like, “Donald Trump was supposed to be here but he had a business emergency,” and do you choke up when you brush against those moments pop culture history when Donald Trump was just a generic rich guy punchline instead of a terrorist king?

Charlize meets Al Pacino and they talk about daddy issues. Charlize is like, “The only thing worse than not having a father was having mine,” and Pacino goes, “I can relate.” Wait, is God also Satan’s DAD? Nepo baby alert!

It really recontextualizes Satan when you think about a parent being like “yeah my kid sucks so I CAST THEM OUT.” Sounds like YOU suck, dad! Like have you ever heard a mom call her daughter a bitch???? Good lord! If she is a bitch, it’s because you’re her mom, bitch! The devil’s just Bhad Bhabie!

Then—this part is amazing hahahahahahah—Satan asks Charlize if he can “make a suggestion” and then goes: “It’s about your hair…You’re too alive for the perm. It’s not you. You should pull your hair back… I’d love to do it but if I did everyone in this room who’s pretending not to be watching us would pretend that we’re fucking or something.”

This is what used to be known as “appropriate business conversation.”

THEN he tells her she should CUT HER HAIR, and IMAGINE YOUR HUSBAND’S BOSS SAYING THIS TO YOU: “A woman’s shoulders are the front lines of her mystique. And her neck, if she’s alive, has all the mystery of a border town. A no man’s land. In that battle between the mind and the body.” Sorry, does this mean that Satan has a type? Isn’t the point of Satan that he would fuck anyone?

Keanu talks to Connie on the balcony about New York. She says she likes living downtown because she doesn’t like families, lol.

Connie: “Bet you like to be on top, don’t you?”

Keanu: “Excuse me?”

Connie: “Of the situation!” (GOOD SAVE!)

Keanu: “Depends on the view.”

Al Pacino shows up, YELLING AS USUAL, and touches Connie’s butt and you can see his weird black thumbnail and I don’t think it’s a Satanic thumbnail I think Al Pacino just had a fucked up thumbnail.

He tells Keanu to go get Leamon and Barzoon and take them up to his penthouse so they can all do some law together. Charlize is searching everywhere for Kevin—he PROMISED not to leave her alone, and that was BEFORE she got her perm violated by Satan! She is so stressed!

Up in Pacino’s apartment, it’s just one big creepy room.

Keanu: “Where does he sleep?”

Leamon: “Who says he sleeps?”

Keanu: “Where does he fuck?”

Leamon: “EVERYWHERE! HA HA HA!”

Ew, this law firm has bad boundaries! I regret giving Satan so many points for the chicken that plays tic tac toe.

SATAN: 10

JESUS: 4

There’s a new murder case in town! Alexander Cullen (CRAIG T. NELSON), one of the largest real estate developers in the city, did a triple murder and Pacino wants Kevin on the case. Barzoon is jealous.

When Keanu gets home Charlize is so mad. He’s been in the penthouse for THREE HOURS talking about Craig T. Nelson and he didn’t even call her! Charlize says “GO TO HELL,” and you KNOW I gotta give that a tee hee!

They go to meet Craig T. Nelson on top of his newest construction project and he is extremely mad about being accused of murdering when he is just trying to do real estate like a perfect angel. Keanu bullies Craig T. Nelson into picking him as his lawyer and Craig is like WHATEVER FINE as long as he gets to see his beloved stepdaughter again. Pacino reassures Craig T. Nelson that Keanu is the best: “He’s a winner, Alex, just like you were, and they’ll never see him coming.”

UH OH, Charlize changed her hair for Al Pacino! Classic Satan behavior—pressuring you into getting a bob you regret! She goes shopping with Tamara Tunie and the Barzoon wife, and Tunie makes Charlize squeeze her tits to decide if they’re real. Then Tunie gets DEMON FACE AND IT IS LEGITIMATELY SO SCARY I SCREAMED!

Charlize tells Keanu that she saw the demon face and she did not like it and she is once again begging him to move out of the building and back to Gainesville, Florida. Keanu gaslights her about demon face and says it’s just because she was wasted on champagne and stressed about her haircut and jealous of her pregnant sister! From here on out I will be calling Keanu by his character’s name, KEVIN, because sweet Keanu would never!

Instead of dealing with the demon-infested Satan condo, Kevin suggests, “Let’s mayk uh bayuh-bee.” He remembers to do the accent in about one out of every 100 lines, which makes it a fun little surprise! Gumpin’ hard or hardly Gumpin’??

They start having sex but then Charlize turns into Connie! WTF! Connie licks his nips! She esses his dee! Wow, this is really graphic! Then he wakes up and realizes, ew, it was Charlize essing his dee all along! Then it’s Connie again! He rolls her around and they laugh! He eats her toe! Hahaha, Kevin, what are you doing? It’s Charlize again! There’s his butt crack! We see everyone’s tits! Now they’re having demon sex!

Finally Charlize stops him. She’s like, “Where are you?” and he’s like, “I’m right here,” but she sees right through that! His body was saying yes but his mind was IN HELL!!!!!!

Now we’re at Craig T. Nelson’s pad, which is decorated exactly like Trump Tower, so, trigger warning, and Kevin is trying to work out exactly what happened when Craig found the bodies. Craig is like “here I’ll show you” and takes out a gun and THROWS IT ON THE FLOOR to show how he picked up the murder weapon off the floor. Kevin is like JESUS CHRIST WHY DO YOU HAVE A GUN!? And Craig is like WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME?

Kevin’s mommy comes to visit and they run into Pacino and his sex demons in the elevator and he’s like, “Well speak of the devil!” because that’s the kind of movie this is and I love it! Mommy does NOT LIKE PACINO because she’s got Jesus inside her (and maybe another reason??). The next morning she wakes up and is like BYEEE I’M GOING HOME I HATE IT HERE! She says, “You need to do a better job with Mary Ann, she is not well. This place is not good for her, Kevin.” And she offers to take Charlize back to Gainesville with her and Kevin says no! To his own mommy! COULD SOMEBODY PLEASE ASK MARY ANN WHAT SHE WANTS TO DO?

Kevin goes into the office and finds Barzoon and his minions shredding everything for some reason. Barzoon is like hey don’t tell the justice department about this, okay, especially not the Weaver Commission! Kevin could not care less what the Weaver Commission is. He and Satan Daddy are going to a show!!!!

Pacino got them ringside seats to the boxing at Madison Square Garden. On the train there, Pacino gets in a fight with a hot-headed Latino gentleman who tries to kill him with a box cutter, so Pacino says in VERY NATURAL SPANISH that the guy’s wife is upstairs smoking crack and doing anal sex with Carlos and the guy better scram-ola! Al Pacino’s Spanish sounds like my Spanish, which is to say NON BUENGO, SEÑORINO!

Don King is there. He is close friends with Satan. Then they go to a flamenco bar. Everyone is sweaty when the devil is around! Kevin starts getting horny for the women at the bar, NONE of whom are nagging him about coming home to their large non-green apartment! Refreshing! Pacino tells a blonde to go service him under the table.

Al: “Ha ha ha ha ha!”

Kevin: “Ha ha ha ha ha!”

Charlize wakes up alone on the couch in Satan’s condo like, “KYEEE-EHHHH-VUHNNN???” But Kyeee-ehhhh-vuhnnn is nowhere to be found. She thinks she hears something in the house, walks around with a knife, finds a baby, throws the knife on the ground near the baby—DON’T DO THAT!—and starts hanging out with the baby. “Where’s your mommy? What are you playing with?” Don’t ask a creepy baby what it’s playing with in a demon movie!

Uh oh! This baby is pwaying with entwails, mommy!!!

Kevin comes home and of course tells her it was just a dream, but Charlize is not getting shut down so easy this time and DROPS THE HAMMER: “They took my ovaries, Kevin.” WOW!

SATAN: 10

JESUS: 5

If you’re ever in a conversation that isn’t going the way you want it to, try dropping a “They took my ovaries, Kevin”! It’s evergreen!

Charlize says that she went to the doctor yesterday and got diagnosed with “nonspecific ovarian failure.” Kevin wonders what he should do and has a brief flash of his boss, SATAN, advising him to “TAKE CARE OF YOUR WIFE, KEVIN,” but decides, nah, that can’t be it. His phone rings and Charlize begs him not to answer, but he’s gotta take this! He’s a LAWYER!

Turns out that Craig T. Nelson’s wife told her friend that he was having an affair, which would mean big bucks for her in the divorce. That’s a motive! So Craig—WITH GRAVE EMOTION—admits that okay, okay, “I was boning my assistant the night my wife got shot.” That’s definitely how I would say it too!

Pacino says he’s kicking Kevin off the case so Kevin can spend more time with Charlize’s ovaries—“It’s your wife, man! She’s sick, she needs you, she’s gotta come first!”—but Kevin is like NOOOOOOOOOOO! “You know what scares me? I quit the case, she gets better, and I hate her for it.” Jesus Christ. Should we do a reboot of this movie only instead of the bit being that all lawyers are Satan’s minions it’s all men? Kevin agrees with himself that says he’s gotta win the case and THEN put all his energy into Charlize.

Time for opening arguments! Kevin starts with a little REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY. He says he doesn’t even like Craig T. Nelson! He sucks ass! Craig is like wtf who is this yahoo why I oughtta etc. At recess Craig is so mad that he turns into his alter-ego CRAG and SLAMS Kevin into the wall! I pity the fool that messes with Mr. T. Nelson!!!!! (SORRY! #DOGPISS) Kevin is like listen, Crag. You don’t get it. I have to make sure the jury hates you! Because “As long as you’re out boning Melissa, you’re not home killing your wife.”

Crag turns back into Craig and is like WOW A GENIUS OF LAW. A LEGAL WIZARD. He is over the moon about Kevin’s brain and apologizes for jostling it.

Barzoon corners Kevin outside the bodega and says “how the fuck did your name get in the firm’s charter?” and Kevin is like you have got me there I literally have no idea. Barzoon thinks Kevin is trying to push him out of the firm, and says maybe he’ll just go tell the Weaver Commission all of Al Pacino’s dirty secrets! Keanu is like man I do not know what that is! I do not pay attention to anything you say!

But he does tattle on Barzoon to Pacino, who says that Barzoon has manic depression and is “250 pounds of self-serving greed on wheels.” (MY! CULTURE! IS! NOT! A! COSTUME!) Then Pacino gives a completely unhinged monologue that I could not follow whatsoever and, as usual, I loved it. Why did people used to joke that the acting in this movie was bad? Pacino and Reeves absolutely redefining the craft here!!!!!!!!!

Meanwhile, Barzoon gets pulverized by three demonic homeless invisible jogging demons! He seems really surprised, and, I’m sorry, doesn’t Barzoon know that he himself is a demon? Isn’t his wife a demon? He really just went and fucked with Satan??

Kevin is working with Melissa on her testimony (testi-bony) about Craig’s alibi.

Kevin: “Is he circumsized?”

Melissa: [silence]

Kevin: “So is he cut or not???”

Melissa: “Yes.”

Kevin: “Which is it?”

Melissa: [silence]

Kevin: “You’ve been polishing his knob three times a week for six months and you don’t know whether or not he’s got foreskin????”

Then Melissa says Kevin should take his questions and shove them up his ass! Something is fishy here, and we still don’t know if it’s Craig T. Nelson’s foreskin or not!

Suddenly everyone in the law firm is crying and Connie comes in for a hug. She’s crying because Barzoon got killed? Barzoon sucked! Why are you crying?

Kevin says he can’t put Melissa on the stand because she’s lying about knowing about Craig T. Nelson’s foreskin. Pacino says WHO CARES? Sometimes people just don’t like talking about Craig T. Nelson’s penis! Kevin is like THAT’S NOT TRUE! EVERYONE LIKES IT.

Al Pacino says that when Kevin took this job he promised he wouldn’t crack under pressure like Craig T. Nelson’s foreskin (POSSIBLY). He better get his shit together or else. Now it’s Kevin’s big moment to go with his gut! Is he going to be a good boy or is he going to fold before the questionable legal ethics of Satan?

I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that Kevin calls Melissa to put her on the stand even though he knows she’s fibbin’ and Pacino is like boioioioioing!!!!! He loves it when Kevin succumbs to the demons! They win the case!

Wait. Are you sure? Don’t trials like that take YEARS?

Doesn’t matter. Kevin doesn’t have time to celebrate because Charlize has gone haywire! She’s at the Church of Heavenly Hope and she’s wearing a duvet! She says that Al Pacino came into the apartment today and talked to her (REMEMBER THIS DETAIL!) and then fucked her the whole afternoon so now she has to live at the church. Kevin is like, UMMM, Al Pacino has an alibi for this afternoon because he was in court cheering me on for being a horrible person. But then she takes off her duvet and she’s naked and covered with the claw marks of Satan’s clawed wiener! Kevin takes her to the psych ward and has her committed and while they’re wheeling her away she does call-out culture on him for constantly defending evil demons that he knew were guilty.

Now they’re at Barzoon’s funeral and unfortunately a freshly exonerated Crag has brought his stepdaughter (Abby Morgan from Dawson’s Creek, RIP!!!) as his date. Why are you even AT this funeral, man!?

Minister: “We are here to celebrate Eddie Barzoon.”

Are we sure??

Connie comes and sits next to Keanu and he looks at her melons. Then he sees Craig doing creepy-thumb on his stepdaughter’s back! It’s the smoking thumb! He never boned Melissa! He did the murder and got Melissa to alibi him so he can bone his stepdaughter in perpetuity! Then Kevin has a vision that CRAG is LLOYD.

Pacino is lurking in the back of the church because I guess he can’t go all the way in? Kevin starts to feel weird, smushed in between Tunie and Connie and their demonic jugs. He storms out. He can’t breathe! Outside, he conveniently runs into Weaver from the DOJ. Weaver has a few questions about Barzoon. Weaver tells Kevin that the law firm is very evil and does evil stuff all over the world. Kevin’s like yeah, duh. We’re LAWYERS.

Weaver runs after Kevin, yelling all of the firm’s crimes like the most intense Billy on the Street segment ever. Sir, for a dollar, name a Panamanian judge your firm HASN’T assassinated!

Kevin still doesn’t care, so Weaver drops the big one. Remember the evil math teacher that Kevin set free? He got caught yesterday with “the body of a 10-year-old girl in the trunk of his car.” Kevin almost feels something!

Cut to Pacino in the church dipping his naughty finger in the holy water and LOOKING RIGHT IN CAMERA and making the holy water boil!

WEAVER GETS HIT BY A CAR AND HIS BRAIN SHOWS.

Kevin goes to visit Charlize in the hospital and his mom is there. And then Pacino’s frumpy yet demonic secretary Pam is there for some reason, being evil! GET OUTTA HERE, PAM. Mom asks Kevin to speak privately and tells him her big secret: In 1966 she was in New York with the Baptist youth brigade and she fucked a waiter and that’s how Kevin was conceived! HOO-AH!!! You know where this is going!

Pam does Charlize’s hair and then shows her a mirror and in the mirror PAM HAS DEMON FACE. Why is this movie so scary??????????

SATAN: 10

JESUS: 100 IF I NEVER HAVE TO SEE DEMON FACE AGAIN

Charlize bonks Pam with the mirror, which breaks, and then Charlize locks herself into the room with the broken glass. Kevin tries to get in but he can’t break the door down in time and Charlize stabs herself in the jugular with the glass shard to get away from Satan. He gets in ONE second later, and then a nurse comes in and starts doing chest compressions. I’m no medical pro, but is that what she needed? How about some firm pressure with a towel on the neck hole? Anyway, she dies.

Kevin, extremely upset at this point due to the 30-seconds-ago death of his wife, orders his mom to finish her story. She says that the waiter “talked to me” and “knew the Bible, every word.” Do you remember another horny New York male who was described as talking to a woman earlier in the movie? YOU GOT IT. IT’S SATAN.

Mom: “MILTON. HE’S YOUR FATHER.”

Kevin (NEPO BABY): “He’s always been there. I know that now. Watching. Waiting. Playing us like a game.”

Can you imagine if your boss and your landlord banged your girlfriend and your mom and was your dad?

Pam tells Kevin that if he just surrenders to Satan’s will, “He’ll take away that fear. You don’t ever have to be frightened again.” Okay, so, all these people are demons because they sold their souls to Al Pacino so he would take their fear away? So those guys who murdered Barzoon sold their souls and they still gotta be homeless???? Tamara Tunie got new boobs and unlimited damask for hers!

Kevin walks through the streets of Manhattan, which are deserted using Satan magic. It’s like early Covid! We honor our essential workers! Haha, remember when honored our essential workers before we had the collective spirit slowly ground out of us by capitalism and the Republicans AND THE DEMOCRATS? Maybe I do believe in Satan!

SATAN: 11

JESUS: 100

Kevin goes to Satan’s penthouse and Pacino is like, “You were right about one thing, Kevin. I have been watching… But I’m no puppeteer, Kevin. I don’t make things happen… Free will. It’s like butterfly wings. Once touched, they never get off the ground. No. I only set the stage. You pull your own strings.” This goes on for about 45 minutes.

Kevin gets mad about Charlize being dead and shoots Pacino with a gun but it doesn’t do anything because he is Satan. Pacino says that Kevin could have saved Charlize but he was too high on horniness about lawyering! Kevin says that Pacino entrapped him into being an evil bitch. It wasn’t his fault! Pacino says I DON’T DO THAT! I’m into free will! DIDN’T YOU HEAR MY BUTTERFLY SPEECH?

Now they have a very long nonsense conversation that truly you have to see. Then Connie comes in and Pacino says that she’s Kevin’s half-sister and the two of them are his favorites out of all his shitty spawn! He wants Kevin to finally let go and stop feeling guilty all the time and just be himself (Satan Jr.).

He says not to worry about God! God is just up there fucking with people! “He’s a prankster. Think about it… He gives man instincts, then sets the rules in opposition… his own private cosmic gag reel!”

Then he says: “IT’S THE GOOF OF ALL TIME!”

Sorry! That’s the line of all time!

SATAN: 12

JESUS: 100

Pacino says a lot of fantastic stuff in this speech and, again, you do gotta watch it. But basically the gist is that anything that’s ever been fun was Satan’s idea, he actually LIKES humans instead of constantly judging them, he wants Kevin and Connie to take over the law firm, and oh yeah BTW could you please impregnate your sister with the antichrist now, she’s ovulating.

Kevin: “You want a child?”

Pacino: “I want a family.”

That’s nice! Why are you mad at him??

They go back and forth some more and eventually Pacino puts on some Sinatra and dances around while his children (almost) have sex in front of his erotic wall of living statues to conceive the next partner at his law firm, Satan III. “Freedom, baby, is never having to say you’re sorry!” Sorry, IS IT???

Pacino offers Kevin whatever he wants—sex! cocaine! juries!—and Kevin seems about ready to cave, but he just has one last negotiation.

Pacino: “It’s time to step up and take what’s yours.”

Kevin: “You’re right. Free will, right?”

Then he takes his gun and shoots himself in the head! He used free will to escape Satan! Which is Satan’s tool, so is that a point for… Satan? Dang, Satan! Nice one!

SATAN: 13

JESUS: 100

Al Pacino FLIPS OUT and gets so mad that he CHANGES HIS SCREENSAVER TO FIRE. Then Connie turns corpsified and Pacino turns into Kevin and everyone falls down a neverending shaft of writhing sex ghouls!

Then, BOOM Keanu wakes up! He’s been in the Gainesville bathroom this whole time! Billy’s watermelon is still full! Kevin gets a do-over!!!!! But he is still literally the son of Satan? Okay, good luck, buddy.

Charlize has her old hair (ugly) and it’s time for Keanu to cross-examine Heather Matarazzo again for the first time. But this time Keanu knows the RIGHT thing to do! He says NO THANK U and asks to be replaced as Lloyd’s lawyer! Charlize says, “Baby, what are you doing?” and Kevin says, “The right thing. I think the right thing.” You think? You’re still not sure at this point?

Kevin says that they’re going to disbar him for this and Billy should write an article about that. But why would they disbar him? Are lawyers not allowed to quit? I do not understand lawyers! (Probably because I am an ANGEL.) Billy says that Kevin is a STAR now (why??) and he’s going to write a big pro-Kevin puff piece and Kevin is like hmmmmmmm… sounds great! Then, when Kevin turns and leaves, we see that BILLY IS ACTUALLY AL PACINO and he says that vanity is his favorite sin and Kevin’s weakness! Here we fuckin’ go again!

So is Kevin just caught in this time loop being tested by the devil over and over forever? What does the devil WANT? Just to bother Kevin????

Verdict? The winner is… Jesus, according to the scoreboard.

But I’m going to give it to Tamara Tunie, whose boobs really do look great. Is that Satanic? Sue me!!! GAVEL.