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My Dog Ate Five Pounds of Mixed Nuts
Then He Pooped Five Pounds of Mixed Nuts
[Butt News is a free e-mail newsletter about movies and butts! You can receive Butt News in your inbox weekly by subscribing now. If you like it, please tell your friends!]
Yesterday I went to the doctor for a pap smear (which rocked!!!!!) and she told me I was due for my tetanus booster, which got me very excited. Because if I’m up for a tetanus shot this month
then that means
that this month
is the 30-year anniversary
of the time I got bit by a squirrel!
I was feeding a peanut to a squirrel at the park when I was nine and it bit me on the finger. Pretty disturbing to be of an age where a wild animal could have bit you thirty years ago and the headline wasn’t “BABY DIES OF ANIMAL ATTACK”!!!!! I told the physician’s assistant and she did not care. Anyway, happy anniversary to me and that squirrel, who is dead!
Speaking of nuts, this week Barry ate a five-pound bag of mixed nuts that we left on the coffee table overnight. It simply did not occur to me that my golden retriever would be interested in a five-pound bag of mixed nuts! I don’t even seal up his food bag half the time because I am lazy and I believe that stale food keeps him humble! He never touches it! When I woke up and found scraps of nut plastic all over the rug I assumed he’d just ripped up the bag for fun, and I was like “Oh no ha ha I’m going to have to pick up so many nuts,” but then an even worse outcome happened which was that there were no nuts. All of the nuts were in Barry’s colon. Because the nuts were mixed, I had to research each nut individually to find out if they were dog poison. Then Barry spent two days pooping out dry handfuls of whole, undigested mixed nuts, which sprayed out of his butt and clattered to the floor like one of those Skittle machines in the front of the barbershop. Seriously, you could have rinsed them off!
Barry also chewed up Aham’s sunglasses this week (which I bought from sweet Belinda, who does my eyebrows, and who will sell you sunglasses too!) and had to wear them as his punishment.
Down to business! Two pieces of business today:
1. This week’s Butt News Movie Club movie will be…….. The Fast and the Furious! I had never seen this movie before, nor any of the movies in this franchise, and wow! It was not good. Several of you have told me that this series “is good.” Are you sure? How about now?
Nevertheless, I am excited about this installment. Will we be discussing Vince’s mesh tank top over camo tank top moment(s!!!!!)? Pretty much exclusively!!!!!!!!! Fire up your 12-inch Panasonic hybrid TV/VCR and get ready for a really horrible experience that is not worth your time at all! Review coming this Friday. LYLAS! <3
2. Housekeeping note: THIS POST YOU ARE CURRENTLY READING is now, in perpetuity (unless this plan doesn’t work for some reason and I bail on it), your BUTT NEWS MOVIE CLUB MOVIE REVIEW REQUEST LINE OPEN THREAD. If there’s a movie you’d like me to watch and review for a future Butt News Movie Club, put it down below in the comments! On this post specifically! The one about Barry’s butt nuts! I’m going to drop a link to this post in every future Butt News, so all of your requests and suggestions will be consolidated here forever.
Thank you all so much again for subscribing and reading and sharing—I didn’t realize that I’d been feeling a little forgotten until you all let me know that you’re absolutely ravenous to hear about my dog’s shit problems WEEKLY. Thank you, truly! And if you like Butt News, don’t forget to tell your friends to subscribe!