Butt News Movie Club #10: The Mask
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We’re in EDGE CITY, which you’re probably thinking is going to be some kind of cartoon comic book city that is EXTRA EDGY or at least cartoony, and not to jump too far ahead in the analysis but nope, it’s just a regular city. So why make up a fake city???? Beats me! But I’m mad about it!
Some scuba divers are installing a dystopian pipeline off the Edge City waterfront when a chain snaps and a big pipe falls on a diver. NO UPDATE ON WHETHER THAT DIVER DROWNED AND DIED. The important thing is that the pipe dislodges and opens an ancient(?) Viking(??) treasure chest(???) containing a cursed wooden mask and the mask floats up to the surface to inflict terrible comedy upon the town. What were the Vikings doing rowing all the way across the Atlantic to drop unfunny chests all around Edge City, USA? Beats me!!! Maybe they explain it in the end of Assassin’s Creed: Valhalla, so, guess I’ll never know!
Meanwhile at the bank, Stanley Ipkiss (Jim Carrey) is getting embarrassingly friendzoned in front of Richard Jeni. Implied trifling skank Joely Fisher has extorted from our NICE HERO two hot hot concert tickets, then asks if she can bring her BEST FRIEND to the concert instead of ipkissing his penis right there and then! Rather than set healthy boundaries (YOU COULD JUST SAY NO, STANLEY), he tells her, sure, take your best friend to the concert, and then seethes about it when she accepts THE THING HE JUST OFFERED and calls him “the nicest guy” (THE WORST THING YOU CAN CALL A GUY).
Is it too dark to compare Stanley Ipkiss to Elliott Rodger and ask why this movie wasn’t called The Mask-acre?
Richard Jeni: “That was the most sickening display I’ve ever seen.”
Jim Carrey: “I disagree. I think I’m wearing her down.”
I try to keep this newsletter light and fluffy because I’m an exhausted husk, but we should all probably talk to our therapists about what it does to a person to be raised believing your function in life is to be “worn down.”
Embarrassed to be seen with such a cuckaholic omegamale (especially at the BANK, where the ALPHAS COULD SEE), Jeni announces his master plan to get Ipkiss’s weewee pulled: “Tonight I’m going to take you on a love safari, deep into the darkest heart of the urban jungle… the Coco Bongo Club, hottest new joint in town, only the crème de la crème need apply… This is going to be the perfect night on the town.”
Just then, Cameron Diaz waltzes into the bank in a red dress at PEAK CAMERON DIAZ. (Actually, no, fuck me! Why would Cameron Diaz’s first movie role be “peak Cameron Diaz”!!?!?! Peak Cameron Diaz is NOW probably! I don’t know! Ask Cameron Diaz! And cancel me! BTW, something that’s been on my mind since insecurity vortex Dave Chappelle started bafflingly harping on it: Who cares whether anyone thinks Hannah Gadsby is “funny”? That moment when she screams “I AM IN MY PRIME” is literally important, whatever else she ever does. Sorry! Not surprised men want to undermine it, I guess!)
So Richard Jeni goes “Hold the phone—killer at 3 o’clock” and makes this face:
And Cameron Diaz, whom I love, by the way, comes in looking caliente as hell, and says she wants to open a new sex baby bank account. Richard Jeni thinks that HE’S going to give her the bank sex, but instead she hands him her JACKET and chooses Stanley Ipkiss for bank sex instead! Richard Jeni is like COME AGAIN!?!?!?!? She fondles Stanley’s tie and says, “Kind of reminds me of one of those, what do you call it? Inkblot tests… Sort of looks like a young woman riding bareback, sort of a Lady Godiva or something,” so Stanley shoves his pen in the pencil sharpener and squirts ink everywhere, which is a metaphor. For men not knowing how to use a pencil sharpener, you perverts!!!!!!!!!
No one besides Richard Jeni finds it suspicious at all that this literal goddess wants to suck Stanley’s Uni-ball right up into her grinder hole, and maybe if he’d been more focused on fighting crime instead of bottle service at the Bongo Drongo Club, Richard Jeni could have been the hero of this movie!!!!! Because it TURNS OUT that Cameron Diaz isn’t actually a beta-hungry nympho, she is some kind of sexy thief with a VERY SUBTLE camera in her purse that is sending a live feed of the bank vault to a tiny TV in the lair of the crime boss, a technology we have barely mastered NOW, but okay, 1994! WILL NICE GUYS EVER CATCH A BREAK!?
Meanwhile, the crime boss, whose name is Dorian, which I would MAYBE believe as the name of the crime boss at a Montessori school, is trying to watch the feed from the bank but his henchmen will not keep it down: “Hey can you guys keep it down back there!??!?!?!”
I didn’t laugh very much during The Mask, but I did laugh at this bozo who hates noise keeping an AIR HOCKEY TABLE IN HIS OFFICE. You’re trying to mastermind a hostile takeover of all organized crime in Edge City but you can’t even figure out how to make the clacking stop!?
Dorian is discussing the bank’s security measures with one of his henchmen, who constantly refers to himself in the third person as “the doctor” (i.e. “You can pull this off, right?” “Hey, you’re talkin’ to the doctor”) but whose character is actually named “Freeze.” Stop! You can’t just give a guy two nicknames! I’m irritated! This discrepancy is my own personal air hockey table in the office of my brain!!!!!!
Dorian explains to the doctor that after they rob this bank he’ll finally be able to defeat the REAL crime boss in this town, Niko, and become #1 big boss boy. Fre “The Doctor” Eze is like hey man that would be hella dangerous because Niko owns this whole stinkin’ town.
Dr. Freeze: “You mess with Niko you end up taking a dirt nap!”
Dorian: “He’s the only one that’s nappin’, but I’m about to give him a serious wake-up call!”
Dorian, disrespectfully, why do you have a framed 8x10” of Niko’s headshot?
Stanley takes his car in for an oil change and the unscrupulous mechanics grift him into getting a new transmission. Again, Stanley, YOU CAN JUST SAY NO THANK YOU INSTEAD OF DOING THINGS YOU DON’T WANT TO DO AND THEN NURSING A BARELY SUPPRESSED VIOLENT GRUDGE.
He whines that he needs a car tonight to go to Ongo Bongo so the auto shop gives him “the loaner,” which is a huge embarrassing pile of shit like a male feminist might drive. I hope Cameron Diaz doesn’t see it somehow!!!!!!
Stanley pulls up to Coco Bongo where Richard Jeni is too busy talking to babes to notice his best virgin bank friend trapped outside the stanchion, even though getting Stanley’s Bic licked was the whole point of this night out. Jeni disappears inside the club and the bouncer throws Stanley in a mudpuddle, and then a car splashes him with more mudpuddle. Then Cameron Diaz gets out of the car! She recognizes him, hornily. JUST THEN THOUGH, the valet pulls up with THE LOANER and Cameron Diaz DOES see it! Now Cameron Diaz will never chew up Stanley’s Pilot G-2 with her rotating internal blades!
As he makes his lonely way home to invent incel forums, the Loaner craps out in the middle of a bridge. Stanley is leaning on the railing feeling bummed out when he sees a man floating in the water! He jumps into the river to rescue the man but it turns out the man is just a wad of garbage… WITH A MASK IN IT!
STANLEY HAS NOW FOUND THE MASK. If you’re watching along with this recap, turn the film off now. Is your dentist free? Could you get a deep gum scaling instead? Try framing yourself for a crime so you can get put in a prison with no streaming services. Try inventing a time machine so you can go back to 1847 and assassinate Thomas Edison as a baby! Should probably take out Benjamin Franklin too, just to be safe.
Stanley takes the mask home to his apartment where he runs into his landlady. She yells at him because he got river on her new carpet and he’s like, “Aren’t you due back at the lab to get your BOLTS TIGHTENED!?” but only when she can’t hear him because as we know he is a lil weenie. What does that mean, though? She’s… Frankenstein? Okay, Mrs. Peenman, congrats on being HELLA FAMOUS!!!!!!!!
A depressed and insomniac Stanley decides to kick back and relax with his favorite Tex Avery horny wolf cartoons. Man, that horny wolf really got more than his share of time in the sun! Like, you wanna argue about Hannah Gadsby when we all pretended to think that horny wolf was funny in both 1943 and then AGAIN in 1994????? In addition to bringing us the Second Golden Age of Horny Wolf, did you know that The Mask also heavily contributed to the ‘90S SWING DANCE REVIVAL? Speaking of horny wolves, can we indict Bill Clinton for this happening on his watch??
Stanley changes the channel to psychologist Ben Stein being interviewed on a talk show about how everyone wears a mask to suppress their darkest desires. Stanley’s like “mask… huh… why was I just thinking about a mask… oh yeah… I found a mask earlier when I jumped off a bridge into the river to loot what I thought was a dead man’s corpse!” He pulls the mask out of his bag and puts it on.
The mask glows with an eerie green light!
The mask takes over his head!
And makes him green!
The mask turns him into a little tornado like the Tasmanian Devil, WHICH HE HAS A PILLOW OF.
The mask makes him say, “SMOKIN’,” which, what is that? Why did that catch on? I yearn for extinction!
Wow, this movie was so much better before this mask shit started. Can we cut out all of the stuff with the mask and just call it “The”?
Anyway, Stanley goes out into the hallway wearing the mask and he sees his landlady’s “Quiet Please” sign, so an alarm clock jumps out of his pocket and starts ringing, so he hits it with an oversized sledgehammer.
Wait. What does the mask actually DO? You’re telling me the ancient Vikings had this mask??
Mrs. Peenman opens the door and screams (and she’s also wearing a different kind of mask—a mud mask!! This movie has layers!!!!), so understandably Stanley’s eyeballs spin around and then pop out on sticks. Then she grabs a gun (ALL LANDLORDS ARE COPS) so he turns into a bouncy ball and bounces around the hallway (PRAXIS). Stanley bounces out of the window, pancakes on the pavement, then peels himself off.
Stanley: “Look, ma! I’m roadkill! Ha ha ha!”
Stanley is in the middle of the road, so a driver honks at him, so Stanley says, “I think he wants to communicate!” and then squeezes a little horn which makes a very big “aooga” sound that explodes the man’s car and makes his hair stick out.
Maybe this is funny to people who think those horny wolf cartoons are funny?? Please, if you know any of those people, this holiday season, Confront! Your! Relatives!
Now some street toughs menace Stanley in an alley, so he honks the criminal’s nose and pulls his underwear over his head, then transforms into a carnival barker and begins making balloon animals. The thugs love it! They are totally distracted from crime and not at all thrown by this!
Stanley reaches for another balloon but pulls a WET CONDOM out of his pocket instead. YEAH RIGHT, STANLEY, YOU WISH—ALL YOUR CONDOMS ARE BONE DRY.
Stanley makes a balloon animal into a tommy gun and attempts to massacre the street gang. Then he goes to the car shop to get revenge on the car guys for charging him for a new transmission that he consented to receive. By… murdering them? We don’t know yet! Cliffhanger!
Cut to the next morning when Stanley wakes up and thinks it was all a dream: “I gotta lay off the cartoons.”
But then a detective knocks on the door and says somebody attacked Mrs. Peenman and then fell out the window!
Stanley: “That’s impossible.”
Cop: “Those pajamas are impossible. This actually happened.”
His pajamas are navy blue with nautical imagery on them. They are, in fact, very possible. Any Maxxinista could obtain them.
The detective is clearly suspicious of Stanley, but why???? WHY ON EARTH would you be suspicious that this random pajama boy is the demon with a green face and eyes on sticks who turned into a bouncy ball??
Freaked out, Stanley throws the mask out the window, but it boomerangs right back inside. Dang!
Cut to the auto shop, where we find out that Stanley did not murder the unscrupulous mechanics, but he did SHOVE BIG MUFFLERS UP THE GUYS’ ASSHOLES.
Hey, man, if you feel like you’re getting ripped off, CALL THE BETTER BUSINESS BUREAU! I’m no constitutional scholar, but I simply do not believe that vigilante sexual assault should be the punishment for fraudulently installing a new transmission in someone’s car!
Stanley gets to work late and his boss yells at him for “ogling girlie pictures,” when he’s actually just looking at a photograph of Cameron Diaz he saw in the newspaper. Apparently she is the singer at the Bomb Dodongo Club, and she’s getting great reviews!!!! The newspaper always runs front page reportage on who’s singing this week at Ongo Bongo.
Richard Jeni says that women like Cameron Diaz are always looking for “a BBD—a Bigger Better Deal.”
Are you sure that’s what “BBD” stands for? Did maybe your wife tell you she was leaving you because she wanted a “BBD” and you just assumed that’s what it stood for?
Richard Jeni decides that instead of Cameron Diaz, they should try and fuck someone more down to earth, such as Peggy, a reporter who has just arrived to ask a few questions about the car mechanics who got fucked in the ass by a big muffler.
She has an advice column called “Dear Peggy,” and Stanley is a SUPERFAN. She even printed one of his letters last year, called “NICE GUYS FINISH LAST.” How many murders is this movie complicit in????
She erotically gives Stanley her number and tells him to call her if he remembers seeing anything suspicious involving anuses when he dropped his car off at the mechanic yesterday.
Meanwhile in crime, Dorian goes to see Niko, who is gently hitting a golf ball into a robot box that lies to him about how hard he hit it (120 yards? yeah right!!). Niko has a big fluffy ponytail.
A henchman puts Niko’s golf tee in Dorian’s mouth so that Niko can hit him in the face with the golf club, which he survives surprisingly well. Niko tells Dorian to get the heck outta town or he’s going to use his skull to break in his new nine iron! Dorian should’ve said, yeah, well, HE’S gonna use Niko’s nuts to break in his new air hockey puck!!! But I guess he didn’t think of it.
Back at home, Stanley has a dream that he is sexually viable and has a cool car and seduces Cameron Diaz easily. She licks his ear but it turns out that it is only his dog.
We see that Stanley has cut Cameron Diaz’s picture out of the newspaper (headline: “BOMBSHELL EXPLODES AT COCO BONGO”) and put it up on his wall. LITERAL STALKER BEHAVIOR. FUCKING NICE GUYS JESUS CHRIST.
He notices that the mask has made its way back into his apartment, so he decides that he’s going to use it to bongo Cameron Diaz’s coco: “Hold on, sugar, daddy’s got a sweet tooth tonight!”
Stanley pretends to brush his cartoon teeth with a very big toothbrush.
Stanley pretends to shave and then dries his face on the dog.
Stanley puts on a terrible yellow hat.
Stanley delivers his second catchphrase of the movie: “Somebody stop me.”
Truly, Stanley, I would love to.
Before heading to Coco Bongo, Stanley realizes he needs one more thing: “Can’t make a scene if you don’t have the green.” He means money, but also his face.
Dorian’s guys get to the bank to do their big heist, but then bibbity-bobbity-boo! The Mask tornadoes out the door with bags of money, then says, “Waste not, want not! Agagagagagagagagagagagagagag!” while moving his jaw back and forth! This is the worst fucking thing I’ve ever seen. What is the JOKE of “agagagagagagagag”?? What IS this?????
The cops show up and the henchmen start immediately shooting at the cops?? Why not just run away? You literally did not rob the bank!!!!
Stanley pulls up to the Coco Bongo club in an extremely long limousine with a novelty horn. Where did you get that?? There’s no way the rental place is open, and it would take at least a couple of hours to get the booking done! It was already the middle of the night! Shut up!
Everybody outside the club is like, wow, this is the coolest guy I’ve ever seen. Nobody screams WHY DOES HE HAVE A HUGE GREEN FACE AND HEAD AND HIS TEETH ARE SO BIG OH GOD OH GOD.”
He flashes money to the bouncer to get into the club.
So, just to be clear, back in the 9th century… the Vikings were doing this? Agagagagagagag?
Stanley watches as Cameron Diaz performs her act at the Coco Bongo club. Why can’t I hear it? Could you please turn Cameron Diaz up in the mix?? Look, I like her, but I do not believe this would have gotten breaking news coverage.
Stanley takes a menu from the waitress and it makes a little “doink!” sound. What generated that sound? Does the mask have speakers??
Stanley’s tongue unrolls like a long carpet and his eyes come out again.
Stanley turns into horny wolf and he says aooga.
Stanley smashes his own head down flat with a sledgehammer to stop himself from being so horny.
Stanley Tazzes up to the bandstand and spins the drummer around and gives him a magical zoot suit.
Stanley does a nonconsensual swing dance with Cameron Diaz (AND US ALL).
Meanwhile, the henchmen get back from their failed heist (Dorian’s lair is AT Bunga Bunga) and tell Dorian that somebody else hit the bank before they could do it. Then one of them notices THE GUY WITH THE BIG GREEN HEAD AND THE YELLOW ZOOT SUIT down on the dance floor and is like HEY THAT’S THE GUY.
It is a hate crime that the movies shows Black people enjoying this music.
Stanley spins Cameron Diaz around so fast that her shoes catch on fire, then he kisses her so hard that her shoes FLY OFF.
A henchman shoots Stanley’s tie off, which turns into a scrap of nautical pajamas when it hits the ground.
Dorian demands to know where the stolen money is, so Stanley pulls out an old-timey adding machine and pretends to be an old-timey accountant with a little visor. Not weirded out at all, Dorian tells his henchmen to “ice this deadbeat,” so Stanley turns into a Russian dancer and then Elvis and a cowboy and he dances away from all the bullets. Then he pretends to get shot and he’s like “ya got me, pardner,” and Dorian and the henchmen look at each other all smug like “oh yeah, we got him.” BUT WHY ARE YOU GUYS NOT MORE FREAKED OUT BY THIS WIGGLY RUBBER TORNADO MAN????????
Then he does a death scene so good that it makes the henchman cry, gives himself a fake Oscar, and then bounces around the club like a little frog.
The detective shows up because of the bank robbery. He assumes green-face guy is one of Dorian’s goons. But Dorian is like NO MAN I HATE THAT GUY!!!!!!!
The cop finds the little scrap of Ipkiss’s PJs and is like “IPKISS!!!!!!!!!”
LOL, you remembered his name and the print of his pajamas?????
Cop: “There can’t be two idiots with pajamas like these.”
Why? Are they CUSTOM PAJAMAS????? THERE’S DEFINITELY TWO IDIOTS WITH PAJAMAS LIKE THOSE!!!
Turns out that Cameron Diaz is Dorian’s girlfriend, and he gets mad at her for not “putting up a fight” when the mask kissed her last night—i.e. when she was definitely nonconsensually kissed by a monster. He puts a $50k bounty on anyone who can find and kill the Mask.
Stanley’s boss tries to roast him for being late again, but Stanley, emboldened by his new green brain, tells him to “BACK OFF, MONKEY BOY!” Jeni is so impressed that he gives Stanley two tickets to the charity ball at the Coco Bongo Club!
Oh my god, why is there only ONE PLACE IN YOUR CITY????????
Cameron Diaz shows up again to do some more banking.
Cameron: “The guy they say robbed this place…”
Stanley: “The Mask?”
Cameron: “I think he was at the club last night.”
YOU THINK?????????? HE TONGUED YOU, MA’AM.
Sounds like she wants some BGD!
Stanley: “I hear he’s really weird-lookin’.”
Cameron: “Yeah, but you oughtta see him dance.”
Yeah! Because men don’t have to look like Cameron Diaz to be considered attractive! There would never be a movie about a horrifying green woman who men COULDN’T HELP BUT FUCK.
Stanley tells Cameron that he is “old college buddies” with the Mask, and that the Mask will meet her tonight at Landfill Park.
Then he takes the mask to Ben Stein for analysis. Ben Stein says that the Mask looks like it’s 4th-century Scandinavian, and that, idk, maybe the soul of Loki got trapped in it after he was banished from Valhalla, lol. Which, fair enough, but earlier when they showed Ben Stein on the news, he was pretty clearly talking about masks as a metaphorical concept in his psychiatry practice????? But now he is also an expert on the history of literal masks?
As I was angrily typing that into my notes, Ben Stein addressed it, explaining to Stanley that in his work “the mask is a metaphor,” which, GREAT, but then HOW DID YOU INSTANTLY IDENTIFY THIS 4TH-CENTURY SCANDINAVIAN MASK??????????? UGH!!!!!!!! YOU CAN ONLY BE A MASK EXPERT *OR* A THERAPIST. NO ONE IS BOTH.
Anyway, he tells Stanley that the mask is only a piece of wood and definitely does NOT have Norse god Loki trapped in it, despite what he literally just said, but reassures Stanley that he should go meet Cameron Diaz tonight “as yourself and as the mask, because they are both one and the same beautiful person.” Uh ok. Guess you picked therapist!
Stanley meets Cameron Diaz at Landfill Park and everything seems pretty nice, but then he just has to go into the bushes, put on the mask, and pop out as a French rapist. He says that he is going to show her his croissant and he’s going to spread her pate and he’s going to dip his ladle in her vichysoisse, so she knees him in the nuts. He gets a high voice, but he does not stop trying to sexually assault her! In fact, he even does agagagagagagagagagagagag!
Sorry, but who are we supposed to be rooting for? Niko??
Cops jump out of the bushes and yell “FREEZE” so Stanley turns into an icicle and floats in mid-air. Like everyone else in this fucking thing, the cops are not freaked out by this frozen, levitating man AT ALL. They are simply annoyed, not fucking SCREAMING!!!!!!
Stanley, sarcastically: “It wasn’t me! It was the one-armed man!”
DO NOT TAKE THE FUGITIVE’S NAME IN VAIN! RICHARD KIMBLE WOULD NEVER SAY “THANKYOUVERYMUUUUCH” AND TURN INTO A LIL FROGGY AND BINGBONG AROUND THE COCO BONGO CLUB!!!!
They handcuff him and drag him to his feet and he goes, “Ow! Where’s a camcorder when you need one?” which, this being 1994, I guess is a RODNEY KING REFERENCE???????? Jesus Christ!
I thought this movie would probably be bad but I didn’t expect it to be this morally awful. It’s just about this guy wanting to fuck! It’s just a fucking Nice Guy who thinks it’s a legitimate life goal to trick some woman into having sex with him using Viking magic!
There are a billion cops, so Stanley turns into a flamenco dancer and does a long dance. Why aren’t they shooting him? They call him Cuba Pete. He’s the king of the Rumba beat. When he plays the maracas he goes chick chicky boom chick chicky boom chick chicky boom. WHY ARE THEY NOT SHOOTING HIM!?!?!
Can you imagine how these cops would have reacted if he didn’t have green privilege?
A woman comes out of an alley and screams—THE FIRST PERSON WITH A REASONABLE REACTION THIS ENTIRE MOVIE—so the mask smooches her. Then he hides in the alley and takes the mask off, where he is rescued by Peggy.
Peggy takes Stanley to the newspaper warehouse where she pretends to be horny for him, but then reveals it was all a set-up for the $50k bounty! Peggy’s working for Dorian! Wow! A classic bitch!
Peggy shows Dorian the mask and says it gave Stanley magic powers. Dorian puts the mask on and becomes a big-face evil guy. IF YOU THOUGHT THE OLD GUY WAS A RAPIST, GET READY!!!!!
“What a rush.” – Mask Dorian (I’m sorry. We had TWO MOVIES in 1994 with “what a rush” as a catchphrase???????)
Dorian’s henchmen go to Stanley’s apartment and steal all the bank robbery money. Then they drop Stanley off at the police station with a green rubber mask in his pocket so that the cops think he’s the Mask. But they don’t notice that Stanley’s dog Milo snuck out of the apartment! Good thing they didn’t see him so they don’t know he’s gonna do a dog plan!
Milo heads to the alley next to the jail, where a window with no glass, only bars, opens straight into Stanley’s cell. I’m not that into jails, but is that a good way to do a jail? You can be in jail and your friend can just hand you a gun? Or a dog? Through the bars?
Cameron Diaz goes to visit Stanley and confesses her love for him. They kiss. (EXCUSE ME?) Then she gets kidnapped by Dorian’s henchmen.
Milo jumps up through the bars to help Stanley escape. Stanley tells him to go steal the sleeping prison guard’s keys, but instead Milo steals the prison guard’s CHEESE!!!!! This is the only funny part of the movie.
Dorian shows Cameron Diaz that he has a box full of explosives in his car, because I guess he is going to… blow up the Ongo Bongo Club???? But why?
Stanley STEALS THE JAILER’S GUN and escapes from the jail and hoofs it over to Coco Bongo. Niko is there. The mayor is there. Mask Dorian is there, looking like Karl Havoc. There is a gun battle. Dorian gets shot like 200 times and then he spits the bullets out at Niko like his mouth is the gun.
Stanley leaves Milo in the car with the detective WHOM HE KIDNAPPED, and the detective goes, “He’s a dead man,” as he watches him leave. How does he know what’s going on in the Congo Bongo Club????
At last, Dorian reveals his plan: it’s a BIG BOX OF PEPPERONI STICKS, and everyone gets one!!! No, it’s a bomb, and it’s going to blow up the mayor I guess? Dorian duct tapes Cameron Diaz to a big fake palm tree and duct tapes the pepperoni bomb to Cameron Diaz.
Cameron Diaz tricks Dorian into taking the mask off by asking him for one last kiss from the real non-green, non-Karl-Havoc Dorian. Then she gets her foot loose and kicks the mask through the air! Milo catches it! Milo is such a good boy!
The mask goes on to Milo’s face and he turns into DOGNADO! This exact thing happens to my dog every night at 7:45 pm.
Mask Milo bites a henchman’s ass, and then Stanley takes the mask and puts it on himself. Then he asks the punks if they feel lucky, well do they, huh, and then pulls out 100 cartoon guns that shoot flags that say “bang.” Then he grabs the pepperoni and eats it because he loves pepperoni. He burps fire and says “that’s a spicy meatball.” Then he takes out a painter’s palette and paints a toilet handle on the palm tree which flushes Dorian down the drain of the water feature. Yokay.
Then he takes the mask off. Then Richard Jeni comes running in with the cops and they arrest all the henchmen. The mayor tells the detective that he is not allowed to arrest Stanley because he saw with his own mayor eyes that Dorian was the Mask. A very good justice system!
At the end, Stanley knows it’s time to get rid of this very dangerous cursed mask, so he just DROPS IT BACK INTO THE RIVER. HEY! YOU SHOULD DESTROY IT BETTER THAN THAT!!!! YOU FOUND IT IN THE RIVER AND YOU’RE JUST A RANDOM IDIOT! AT LEAST WEIGH IT DOWN OR SOMETHING! YOU DIDN’T EVEN LOOK TO MAKE SURE IT DIDN’T LAND ON THE BRIDGE TRUSS!
Richard Jeni and Milo both immediately jump into the river to retrieve the mask, because these hoes are not even remotely loyal.
Stanley just laughs and tongue-kisses Cameron Diaz and says, “Smokin’.” Yeah, I do now, Stanley. Because of you. Because of this. And not cigarettes. Heroin.