Butt News Movie Club #37: Tombstone
Brokeback Mountain Who? This Is the Most Beautiful Gay Western of All Time, Period
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Anyone else obsessed with Tombstone as a kid? I watched this movie sooooooo many times in the 90s—probably 20+ times? And I wasn’t, like, into Westerns! Was Tombstone just one of those movies that was on TBS six nights a week or something so you couldn’t escape it (also the reason why my Sweet Home Alabama count is accursedly in double digits)? Or was I legit so captivated by Val Kilmer’s line reads that I was compelled to return to his world again and again, begging him to use me as his bloody mouth towel (yes)?? In honor of sweet Val’s untimely passing, I decided it was time to watch it again and see what all the fuss was about. To no one’s surprise, the fuss was all about VAL!!!
Tombstone opens with a very short, weird documentary narrated by Robert Mitchum:
1879. The Civil War is over, and the resulting economic explosion spurs the great migration west. Farmers, ranchers, prospectors, killers and thieves seek their fortunes. Cattle drovers turn cow towns into armed camps with murder rates higher than those of modern-day New York or Los Angeles. Out of this chaos comes legendary lawman Wyatt Earp, retiring his badge and gun to start a peaceful life with his family. Earp’s friend, John “Doc” Holliday—a Southern gentleman turned gunman and gambler—also travels west, hoping the dry climate will relieve his tuberculosis. Silver is discovered in Arizona. Tombstone becomes queen of the boomtowns, where the latest Paris fashions are sold from the backs of wagons. Attracted to this atmosphere of greed, over one hundred exiled Texas outlaws band together to form a ruthless gang recognized by the red sashes they wear. They emerge as the earliest example of organized crime in America. They call themselves “the Cowboys.”
What’s so funny is that Tombstone is a very long movie (two hours and 14 minutes) in which almost nothing happens, and yet the filmmakers decided to cram 49 movies’ worth of plot into the ten-second introduction. WHICH I LOVE, lol, yeeeeees, go off, king, definitely tell-don’t-show any of that!!!!! Leaves more time for Kurt Russell to walk in slow-mo with his girl-gang through the queen of the boomtowns!
We open with a great shot of the Cowboys (could have worked harder on your name, but it’s probably hard to prioritize branding when you literally have fleas). They ride up on a Mexican town mid-wedding and Powers Boothe a.k.a. Curly Bill is like “Y’all killed two Cowboys,” which, not to victim blame, but you kind of chose murder-gang as your job?? You must go through guys like crazy—how well could you have even known those two? But anyway, for revenge they kill everyone at the wedding including the groom AND the bride AND the priest even though I don’t think he had anything to do with it. Curly Bill is a real cabron for this one! And freaking John Corbett is there playing against type??? Then the Cowboys sit down and eat the whole entire wedding feast—first sensible thing they’ve done all day, waste not want not, after all, there are squareheads starving in Deadwood!
Meanwhile, Wyatt Earp hops off the train in Tucson ready to start a peaceful ACAB life with his family in the desert and enforce zero laws whatsoever. There is a freaked-out horse that does not want to get off the train due to it’s an iron monster, and some jabroni HITS the horse on the neck with a whip!!! So then Wyatt Earp—definitely NOT A COP—intervenes and grabs the whip and hits the guy with it and says “Hurts, don’t it?”
HE GAVE HIM A HERTZ DONUT!
THAT WAS THE FIRST ONE EVER!
Then Wyatt is like this is my horse now?? Unclear if it was already his horse? Unclear if we ever see this horse again? All I know is that the guy doesn’t complain at all about getting Earped in the face with his own whip. And that’s the charisma of Kurt Russell.
An old guy comes up and is like yo Earp do u want a job as a lawman here in Tucson and Earp says no way Jose I am going to Deadwood, I mean Tombstone, to become FAMOUS BUSINESSMAN SERIOUSLY OVERWEIGHT VERRRRRY RRRRRICH.
Tucson Old Guy: “Never met a rich man who didn’t wind up with a guilty conscience.”
Earp: “I already got a guilty conscience. Might as well have the money too.”
See, I think they used to work harder on the scripts in the 90s! The dialogue in this movie slaps!
Sam Elliott and Bill Paxton show up, and they are Earp’s brothers, Virgil and Morgan. The Earps and their Earp-wives take an Old West selfie (a memory) in the window reflection. Cute!!! Nothing could possibly go wrong!
But something is already going wrong, because Wyatt’s wife is addicted to laudanum, which she denies, claiming she only takes it because her brain is addicted to having a headache. But she’s currently all out of laudanum, having addictedly glugged it on the train, so one of the other wives gives her a fresh bottle. You can tell that this is not going to be bueno!
At a saloon somewhere, Doc Holliday is playing cards with… Frank Stallone? Yes, it is Frank Stallone! Don’t ever call ME a not-a-super-recognizer! Val Kilmer as Doc Holliday is one of the greatest beautiful freakazoid performances of all time, and I’m wondering: Did Val have any inside information that this is what the real Doc Holliday was like? Or is he making all these choices on his own?? Because no offense to my idol, but Nicolas Cage could NEVER. I mean, Nicolas Cage could be this weird, but he couldn’t be this weird AND also make me want to have sex with him!!!!!!
Frank Stallone is mad about Doc winning and calls him “a skinny lunger,” which is a slur for people with Tuberculosis lungs. Then Doc says, “You know, [Frank Stallone], if I didn’t think you were my friend, I just don’t think I could bear it,” and then he stabs him and somehow it’s funny? Doc’s Hungarian girlfriend Big Nose Kate grabs all the money and they’re Audi 5-thoudy! It’s kind of a robbery but kind of not? Are we supposed to care? What is morality??????
The Earps ride to Tombstone in a covered wagon and they pass the famous Boot Hill Cemetery featuring this real grave:
HERE LIES LESTER MOOR
FOUR SLUGS FROM A 44
NO LES
NO MORE
Not enough jokes on grave stones anymore imo! Mine’s gonna say WHO FARTED!
Speaking of who farted, Wyatt yells, “you can smell the silver in this town” and it’s like, sweetie, you’re trying too hard! Not one person here is fooled into thinking you care more about silver than being a cop! Please!
They meet a soft boy in a bowler hat named Sheriff Behan who says he has three lovely cottages coming up for rent and the Earps can live in them if they are willing to gladhand. Then they meet Fred the Marshal who tells them that Behan isn’t a REAL sheriff, he’s just a gladhanding fancy lad, and actually it’s the Cowboys who run this town!
Tombstone is a hyper-masculine movie and whatever, but actually it’s mostly men playing games together and making intense eye contact and going horsie riding and holding each other and weeping and being loyal (loyalty is gynocentric) and delivering absolutely BLISTERING Regina George gossip drops as soon as someone leaves the room. All men are girls! Prove me wrong!
Fred tells the Earps that the saloons are where the real money’s at in Tombstone, and there are a lot of them, but they must never go to the Oriental because it’s a “slaughterhouse.” Wyatt is like BOIOIOIOING! He’s pretending to be horny for money, but he’s actually horny for LAWMANNING.
He goes immediately over to the Oriental and it’s nice! He’s like “Hi, I’m Wyatt Earp,” and the barman is like YEAH RIGHT because Wyatt Earp is a huge celeb for being the greatest cop in the history of Kansas. It’s like if you ran a Maritime Disasters Museum in hell and some guy came in and said “Hi, I’m Stockton Rush.” You literally wouldn’t believe it! Wyatt asks the barkeep why nobody comes into this bar and the barkeep explains that Billy Bob Thornton is an evil card dealer who yells at and/or kills everyone who tries to play cards [points to Billy Bob Thornton].
Wyatt’s not going to stand for that kind of Billy Bob-havior! He marches right over there and tells Billy Bob, “No need to go heels to get a bulge on a tub like you.”
The famous insult!!!!!!
Next, Wyatt encourages Billy Bob to “skin that smokewagon and see what happens,” and when Billy Bob declines to smoke that skinwagon, Wyatt slaps him right on the mouth. THEN he tells him to “jerk that pistol and go to work,” but Billy Bob doesn’t do that either, so Wyatt slaps him AGAIN! This movie is NOT about gay sex!
Finally, Wyatt asks Billy Bob, “You gonna do something or just stand there and bleed?” and I guess Billy Bob chooses bleed, because he does not do something. Wyatt grabs him by the ear, drags him out of the bar, and throws him in the street. Now Wyatt is the cards dealer at the Oriental! He’s married to Billy Bob’s wife too! That’s the law of the Wild West!
The barkeep says the Earps can take 25% of the house if they keep the Oriental safe and nice from Billy Bobs. Pretty cool, I guess, but aren’t you here to do silver mining? Isn’t card dealer kind of an entry-level job?
Wyatt marches back out to the street to inform his brothers that he got all of them one shared part-time job that pays a minor percentage of the card game profits at Deadwood’s Tombstone’s least popular bar. They’re about to kick his ass, but then two things happen at once: Billy Bob comes around the corner with a shotgun to murder Wyatt for hurting his feelings and ear, and Doc Holliday shows up with a smile and greets Wyatt like America’s Next Top Best Friend. It turns out that Doc is Billy Bob’s idol, or at least just a guy he’s really afraid of, so Billy Bob decides not to shoot Wyatt and instead to leave the movie and never be seen again.
Doc is being incredibly funny this whole time, btw.
The stupid fancy blue sheriff comes over and starts bragging about how Tombstone is sooooooo cosmopolitan and pretty soon they’re gonna be as sophisticated as San Francisco, but AS HE’S SAYING IT some guys start shooting each other! It’s cool, though, because they’re Wyatt’s friends for some reason. The guys explain that they’re allowed to shoot each other because it was a “fair fight,” but Marshal Fred takes their guns away anyway because this town is all about law and order. Wyatt approves. Only he and his brothers and his other friend Doc should be allowed to have guns!
By the way, THIS IS NOT THE SAME GUY:
I understand that this is very Area Woman Learns That Westerns Are Built on Tropes, and there’s always a soft, clean, city idiot wearing impractical clothes who thinks he can profit from the West using “civilization,” but LOOK AT THESE TWO!!!!!! Come on!
No time to worry about it, though, because Billy Zane just rolled into town!!! With Dana Delaney. They are some sort of traveling horny clown wagon.
“Oh, great, here comes Dana Delaney,” I thought, “YUCK,” and then I was like, “Hang on, why don’t I like Dana Delaney?” and then I was like, “I don’t know, self, do you know?” and my self said to myself, “Is it because of that noise she makes when Steve Martin pokes her in the nipple in the movie Housesitter?” and I said “YES, THAT IS WHAT IT IS!” and my self said, “Do you think it’s fair to write off a woman’s whole career because Frank Oz made one directorial decision that grossed you out when you were 12?” and I said, “NO I DO NOT!!!!” and my house became a pro-Dana Delaney house in the wink of an eye! It’s really Steve Martin who’s creepy in that scene anyway, and I’ve never forsooken him, so I apologize for the MISOGYNY.
Billy Zane immediately notices the Earps who are—you guessed it—walking three-abreast in slow motion through downtown, and he growls, gayly, “He’s got the look of both predator and prey,” and Dana Delaney says, “I want one,” and Billy Zane says “Happy hunting.” Okay, theater kids!!!!
Now we’re at the theater and the whole town is there and everything is going CRAZY. The Cowboys are down on the floor and the Earps are up in the boxes. Jason Priestley (new in town) is getting bullied so Powers Boothe takes him under his wing in a distinctly gay way. The Earps meet Terry O’Quinn, the mayor, and Wyatt gives him the Seattle Freeze because he HATES MAYORS.
A nerd named Professor Gilman gets up on stage to juggle bowling pins and one of the Cowboys yells, “Hey, Professor! Catch this!” and SHOOTS ONE OF HIS JUGGLING CLUBS WITH A GUN. And everyone laughs and cheers! Yo, what?? You guys are obviously pumped about being at the theater, so why are you engaging in chaos that could kill the very thing you love???? Do you have jugglers to burn in Tombstone, Arizona? Because it seems like these guys only come through town once every ten years!
Then Billy Zane gets up and does a Shakespeare soliloquy and everyone loves it and no one tries to kill him at all. I feel like they’d like the juggling way more than this. Is that classist? Jason Priestley especially loves it (gay), and then Powers Boothe calls Billy Zane “the prettiest man I ever saw” (also gay!). And THEN the performers do a little play about Faust making a deal with the devil and Powers says that he’d like to drill the devil in the ass! The show ends and the actors do their bows. The devil takes off his mask and he was DANA DELANEY all along! It’s not gay to drill the devil’s ass after all!
When Wyatt sees the Delaney reveal his eyeballs and wiener are like ka-boioioioioing. His wife notices his sticky-out eyeballs and says I NEED LAUDANUM.
After the performance Bill Paxton asks Wyatt if he believes in god—surely in 1879 you’d already know that about everyone you know?—and Wyatt is like idk man let’s go party at the Oriental. Bill Paxton says he read in a book that when you die you see a white light. Virgil says that he doesn’t want to talk about poker or god because he’s going to go home and poker-god his wife, who is Trixie from Deadwood and Powers Boothe is also on Deadwood but I’m not saying anything about it.
Left alone with his laudanum wife, Wyatt points out that she’s going through that bottle p fast. She gets defensive and says, “Wyatt, it’s just HEADACHES,” and he feels bad and changes course and tries to be nice and says, “You look beautiful tonight.” But laudanum wife isn’t having it! She says, “PFFFF. HHHHH. HUFFFFF. THANK YOU,” in a sarcastic way. She leaves to go have sex with LAUDANUM.
Wyatt and Doc win a bunch of money and mining deeds playing cards at the Oriental. Doc asks Wyatt how he feels about monogamy due to having a public boner for the devil’s ass, and Wyatt tells Doc that he does in fact consider himself a married man forsaking all others. But what, Doc asks, would Wyatt do if that “dusky-hued lady Satan” walked in right now?? Wyatt swears he’d ignore her, but then she DOES walk in right now!
Wyatt: “Aw, hell.”
Billy Zane shows up and everyone applauds, especially Jason Priestley. A fanboy asks for Wyatt’s autograph but Powers Boothe rips it out of his hand and scares the little guy away.
Ike: “Listen now Mr. Kansas Law Dog, law don’t go round here, savvy?”
(Mr. Kansas Law Dog was my father! Call me Wyatt Kansas Law Dog Jr.!)
Wyatt: “I’m retired.”
Stinky Willy or Whatever Powers Boothe’s Character’s Name Is: “Good. That’s real good.”
Johnny Ringo (to Doc Holliday): “You must be Doc Holliday.”
Doc: “That’s the rumor.”
Johnny Ringo: “You retired too?”
(They don’t mention this in the movie, but did you know that Doc Holliday was a certified DENTIST???)
Doc (absolutely completely fucked up and dying): “Not me. I’m in my prime.”
Doc announces to everyone that he hates Johnny Ringo, and Wyatt, trying to manage everyone’s feelings (same, girl!), says Doc is just drunk, and Doc says “in vino veritas” but then it turns out Johnny Ringo also speaks Latin! They argue in Latin and Bill Paxton is like what the HECK?? It goes a little something like this:
Johnny Ringo: “Sextus et laetus.”
Doc: “Tu es laetus, Sexte. Cur?”
Johnny Ringo: “Ego sum laetus quad Romam ire volo.”
Doc: “Rusticos Vidimus. Agros non colebant, sed sub arboribus quiescebant. At cauponam vidimus; nostra raeda in fossa haerebat et nobis necesse erat in caupona pernoctare.”
Both together: “Ecce Romani!!!!!!”
Then Johnny Ringo pulls out his gun and does a bunch of tricks where he spins the gun around and everyone is like WOOOOOO! I mean, is that hard to do? Does it help you shoot? Literally what is the point?
The point is to set up Doc for this INCREDIBLE gag, where he does the same twirly thing with his tiny whiskey mug, and it’s so funny that even Johnny Ringo laughs and Stinky Willy buys drinks for the whole bar.
You know what Dana Delaney is like? She’s like if Kristen Schaal took herself completely seriously (complimentary). Likable and cute! That’s my verdict!
Dana Delaney sees Wyatt across the bar and says, “Oooooh who’s THAT” and the sheriff is like that’s Wyatt Earp (derogatory) and she’s like yum yum. But nothing happens. YET. Or for an extremely long time.
The next day Wyatt runs into Dana Delaney riding a horse in the wilderness while wearing a tiny top hat.
Dana Delaney: “I was beginning to think we’d never meet. This is fortuitous. That means lucky.”
Okay. If someone said that to me I would never speak to that person again. What you just did is annoying. That means irritating! Also, BITCH YOU JUST MOVED HERE YESTERDAY! What do you mean you were beginning to think we’d never meet??
Wyatt is too horny to be mad, though, so he just says, “Yeah, I know what it means,” which is honestly an elite comeback. Less is more sometimes!
Then their horses start trying to have sex and Wyatt explains that her mare is in season.
Dana Delaney: “How do they know?”
Wyatt: “They know. It’s the scent.”
The innuendo is that SHE is in heat and HE can smell it!!!!! Wyatt says they should separate the horses to avoid horsefucking due to Dana Delaney’s mare’s ripe uterus and his stallion’s spunky loins but she says they should “run it out of them” instead.
Dana Delaney: “Despunkification. It means running.”
They come to a cliff and Wyatt goes “end of the road” and she goes “maybe for YOU! HYEAH!!” and plunges down the cliff! And he follows even though his horse did not and could not consent. Then they have a romantic picnic?? This is not appropriate! Wyatt’s like wow that was crazy that you rode a horse off a cliff and Double-D says she’d die for fun and Wyatt laughs.
Double-D: “Oh, I thought you never laughed.”
Wyatt: “I laugh sometimes.”
Double-D: “Are you happy?”
Ma’am, you actually do not seem that fun. You are stressful and intense!
Wyatt: “Are YOU happy?”
Double-D: “I’m always happy. Unless I’m bored. That blonde woman—is that your wife?”
Wyatt: “What about her?”
Double-D: “Nothing. What do you want out of life?”
Jesus Christ, calm down! Have you been drinking too much of Colonel John Pemberton’s miracle tonic?
Wyatt says he might want to have some kids someday and she says “IT DOESN’T SUIT YOU.” A truly deranged conversationalist. The man just told you it does suit him! Wyatt counters that actually having kids is his idea of heaven.
Wyatt: “What’s your idea of heaven?”
Double-D: “Room service.”
Had that even been invented yet? [Ed.: NO!!!!!]
Dana Delaney says she just wants to live on the road and have fun all the time forever. Wyatt is like ok then why are you dating that stupid sheriff (apparently she’s dating the stupid sheriff) and she’s like idk, I guess because I like grinding on his johnson and also he has lots of money—how do you think I afforded a top hat this tiny?
Wyatt says he’s never heard a woman talk like this.
Dana Delaney: “I don’t have time to be proper. I want to live. I’m a woman, I like men. If that means I’m not ladylike then I guess I’m not a lady. I’m just being honest.”
Wyatt (nuclearly horny): “You’re a lady all right. I’ll take my oath on it.”
Meanwhile, back at Earp HQ, laudanum wife is going gluk gluk gluk gluk gluk on that purple drank! She loves it! Wyatt gets home and tells her yet again to go easy on the stuff.
Laudanum wife: “Wyatt, leave me alone.”
He asks her how she’s feeling and she says LOL, then starts laughing and crying at the same time and screams, “I’M FINE!” Living the 2025 lifestyle!
Wyatt’s like okey dokey that definitely seems true. Trying one last time to save his marriage from his own wienerly temptations, Wyatt pitches that they should leave Tombstone and go travel forever and see the world and eat room service and the wife is like stfu room service hasn’t even been invented yet. Not to do a serious critique of this movie, but I sure would like to know a little more about laudanum wife’s backstory and inner life! Oh well!
Over at the saloon, Doc is playing the piano and Thomas Haden Church, one of the Cowboys, starts heckling. He wants to hear some real hard rock and roll, such as “Camptown Races!”
Doc: “This happens to be a Nocturne… you know, Frederick fucking Chopin?”
Thomas Haden Church does not know Chopin. He knows only of doo-dah doo-dah.
At the opium den, Stinky Willy is feeling great.
Stinky Willy: “I feel great.”
But then he wanders out into the street and goes totally nuts shooting his guns everywhere—famously what opiates make you do. That weenie sheriff runs into the bar and is like, “Somebody’s gotta do something!”
Terry O’Quinn: “Well, I believe you’re the sheriff.” (GOT ‘IM)
The cowardly Sheriff is like uhhhhhhhhh no this isn’t county business, it’s town business, and so he makes 100-year-old Marshal Fred go instead. Wyatt tells the Marshal to stay inside but the Marshal gotta go be a hero.
Stinky Willy is howling at the moon and trying to shoot the moon with a gun. Marshal Fred tells Stinky Willy to hand over his guns, and Stinky Willy shoots the Marshal by accident! It’s actually SO sad because he’s like “Fred? Fred???” because he doesn’t know what’s going on and they’re kinda friends??
The town is PO’ed because everybody loved Marshal Fred, so they’re all screaming, “Get a rope! String him up!” Wyatt steps in due to lawman muscle memory and is like “Nobody’s hanging anybody, he’s gotta stand trial.” But then the Cowboys square up and say THEY’RE going to take Stinky Willy away to evade justice!
Ike says, “I swear, Lawdog, you don’t step aside we’ll tear you apart,” and Wyatt says he’ll shoot Ike in the brains if the Cowboys don’t leave. Then Doc threatens to shoot Thomas Haden Church in the brains as well, but THC is like whatever man you’re too drunk, so Doc delivers another of his greatest lines.
Doc: “I have two guns, one for each of ya.”
GOT! HIM!
Then the other Earps come out and chase the Cowboys away.
Ike: “I’ll see you soon.”
THC: “We’ll meet again.”
Ike as Soon as They Got Off Screen: “You don’t need to say we’ll meet again when I JUST said I’ll see you soon!”
Wyatt drags Stinky Willy away by the ear and puts him in jail. Why is he always pulling people by the ear? Wait, omg.
Wyatt EAR-P!!! The EAR-P IS FOR EAR-PULLING.
IS THAT AN EASTER EGG??
In the end, Stinky Willy doesn’t feel the sting of justice after all, because even though murder was the case that they gave him, Judge Spicer took three weeks to get to it and then he dismissed it. Corruption is implied.
Man, you know what this is? This is a MOVIE. In the ‘90s they would just make a MOVIE and Tombstone is a movie. Do you know what I mean?
Earp, Earp, and Earp play pool and talk about opening up a place of their own, but Virgil isn’t into it. He’s giving them the silent treatment for some reason. Terry O’Quinn comes to ask if Wyatt will be the new marshal, he says no, so Terry asks Virgil instead. Virgil says he’s busy. But is he?? What DO you guys DO all day?
Terry O’Quinn/A Roll of If You Care Paper Towels: “Okay… In the meantime lotta innocent people are suffering.”
Bill Paxton: “I’m suffering… from a HANGOVER.”
It’s a zinger, no doubt, but he’s talking about bystanders literally getting slaughtered so maybe that’s an inside thought?
That night the Cowboys ride through town and terrify everyone on purpose including a hot woman’s son. Virgil isn’t having it. You can terrorize anyone in this town but NOT A HOT WOMAN’S SON. He decides that he will be the marshal of the town. As his first act as marshal, Virgil puts up a sign that’s like “no more crime allowed.” LOL.
In addition to crime being illegal now, nobody is allowed to carry a gun in town anymore.
Gun Mob: “BOOOOOOO!”
Wyatt comes out and sees what’s going on and is like DOOD WHAT THE HELL.
Wyatt: “We said we weren’t gonna get involved.”
Virgil: “You got us involved when you brought us here.”
What does that mean?? Did he kidnap you and force you on to a stagecoach?
Virgil says everyone in this town is scared and he doesn’t want to make money off of their fear “like some goddamn vulture” by… giving them a place to play cards? I don’t totally get it but I would do literally anything Sam Elliott told me to do so I accept. Bill Paxton is like I agree with Virgil as well!! Wyatt cannot believe what he’s hearing.
Wyatt: “This is trouble we don’t need! You saw what happened to Fred White!”
Bill Paxton: “We know what we’re doing, Wyatt.”
Wyatt is like YOU LITERALLY DON’T. He tells Bill Paxton that he doesn’t understand what it feels like to take a man’s life. It seems really fun, but it is actually not fun. But Bill Paxton doesn’t care—Virgil says he gets to be Vice Marshal!!!
Dana is singing at the saloon and Wyatt is—you guessed it—engorged.
Sheriff: “What do you think of the singer?”
Wyatt: “Nice voice.” (He means nice dumptruck.)
Bill Paxton tells Wyatt that Doc has been playing cards for 36 hours straight and no one can make him stop. Wyatt gently suggests to Doc that he take a break, but Doc says, “I’ve not yet begun to defile myself.” (Also going on my tombstone.)
Ike accuses Doc of cheating because he won 12 hands in a row and “nobody’s that lucky.” (That means fortuitous.)
Doc: “Maybe poker’s just not your game, Ike. I know, let’s have a spelling contest.”
I love that no matter how many times these guys almost slaughter each other in the streets they all have to keep hanging out because there are only like 100 people in the world. Ohana means family!
Virgil’s like hey Ike you gotta chill and Ike is like NOOOOOOOO and then he says he’s going to cut Virgil with a knife. Virgil is STRESSED. The poker game ends and Doc starts coughing up blood and collapses, so Wyatt and Bill Paxton carry him away.
Ike: “I hope you die!”
LMAO. YOU! GOT! HIM!
The barman tells Ike that nobody cheated him and he should go home and sleep it off, so IKE SLAPS HIM. Virgil bonks Ike on the head with his gun and takes him to jailtown to sober up. Truly a great performance out of Ike in this movie. At the beginning you think he’s just a random dirty henchman but by the end you’re like… was Stephen Lang robbed of the 1994 Best Supporting Actor nom???
The Cowboys come to pick up Ike from jail and one of them tells Virgil “I’ll fight you right now!” so Virgil bonks him with his own gun lol. Virgil is over it. Ike swears revenge.
A doctor has been summoned to examine Doc. He says Doc has lost 60% of his lung tissue, maybe more, and is going to die in either 2 years or 2 days. He isn’t allowed to drink or smoke or have sex ever again because apparently you can jizz out the rest of your lung tissue. Doc tells Big Nose Kate about that and she says instead I think we SHOULD have sex and he’s like you’re the antichrist AND I LOVE IT!
Earp bros watch the Cowboys roll into town for the purposes of being intimidating. Wyatt says that Virgil better swear him in as co-marshal because this town is officially wild ’n out. Then Wyatt goes home to visit laudanum wife who is honestly having a great breezy day by the window. He goes to his secret keepsake drawer and gets his FANCY GUN, which is named PEACEMAKER! The #1 thing that guns are known to be making!
On the street, Terry O’Quinn positively SCAMPERS up to the Earps with some white-hot gossip: “Those Cowboys have been telling everyone in town they’re gonna clean you out!” It’s soooooooo bitchy and funny.
He tells them the Cowboys are waiting for them in the OK Corral to do mutual legal murder. Wyatt suggests that they just wait for the Cowboys to sober up and then maybe they won’t be mad anymore. But Virgil’s like they have GUNS, Wyatt!!! What about my siiiiiiign?????
They head off to the OK Corral and I’m confused. I thought this movie was ABOUT the OK Corral, but there’s still over an hour of movie left! I am baffled!
Doc joins them and Wyatt says that Doc totally doesn’t have to help murder the Cowboys at the OK Corral—this isn’t his problem. Doc is offended. “That’s a hell of a thing for you to say to me.” I’m a buddy!!!!! Of course I’m going to help you do vigilante justice under the thin veneer of the law!
They give Doc a shotgun and walk over to the OK Corral. Idea: maybe the people in this town would be less angry if you gave them a better corral!
They arrive and the stupid fake sheriff is there already. He’s like don’t even worry—I already disarmed them. “I’m not gonna allow any trouble!” Sure, dingaling, I bet you did a really good job! The Earps tell the Cowboys, “We’re here to disarm you—throw up your hands.” It’s funny that they didn’t even pretend to believe the sheriff for one second.
The Cowboys decline to disarm. John Corbett runs away and the Earps kill THC. Bill Paxton gets shot in the shoulder and Virgil gets shot in the leg. Now you’ve REALLY pissed off Wyatt Earp! He transforms into TRIPLE-MARSHAL.
Then Dana Delaney runs out and Wyatt gets a boner but then laudanum wife runs out and catches them smiling at each other and somehow she knows about the boner. She leaves in a rage. Going back to sip that sizz-EARP!
Trixie hugs Virgil but girl he needs to see a doctor!!!!! Let go of him!
The McLaury brothers and Billy Clanton (THC) get carried through town in fancy glass coffins and this is a real picture you can see on Wikipedia. Ike and Johnny Ringo walk in the funeral procession carrying a big banner that says “MURDERED.” Lmaooo. The DRAMA!
The Earps try to say hi to Jason Priestley but he goes, “It’s deputy, and I don’t want to talk to you! Those men you killed were my friends!” Apparently he has been made a sheriff’s deputy by the stupid sheriff, who has also aligned with the Cowboys. Two rival factions of bloodthirsty lawmen? No thanks! Zero was enough!
A LOT of this movie is just men arguing in the street.
Johnny Ringo tells the Earps, “I want your blood. I want your souls.”
Johnny Ringo looks like a hot Joey Pants!
The Cowboys grab Johnny Ringo and drag him away to keep him from getting shot. Stinky Billy declares that Johnny Ringo is totally going to be the boss of Tombstone one of these days so they better watch out. Based on what?? Has he exhibited any leadership qualities whatsoever? Is he even the leader of the Cowboys??
The sheriff confronts Dana Delaney about making obscene eye contact with Wyatt Earp: “I see what’s going on between you and Wyatt. I’m not a fool.” YOU DO? Because I don’t! Is the something going on in the room with us?
At the Oriental, Bill Paxton is feeding chow mein to his dog who has a seat at the table like a man. Wyatt is eating with chopsticks, very progressive. It is a dark and stormy night, and for some reason everyone can tell that something’s going down. The sheriff ominously tells Dana that there’s about to be a new sheriff in town, and it’s him, the sheriff, even though he’s already the sheriff.
The female Earps are chillin’ at home, drinking tea and playing with tarot cards, when Dana comes over and is like yo, I know you don’t like me, but my boyfriend the sheriff just said some weird shit to me and I think we’re not safe. Just then there’s a knock at the door and they think it’s Virgil, but it’s a SHROUDED MAN who SHOOTS A SHOTGUN INTO THE ROOMFUL OF LADIES! Somehow no one dies or is even harmed, but it’s definitely a party foul.
The real Virgil shows up at the Oriental and they think he’s normal but he’s actually got an arm full of buckshot! Bill Paxton says they’ve got to exterminate the Cowboys: “They’re bugs, Wyatt… there ain’t no live and let live with bugs!” (It’s kind of the only thing you can do with bugs, but sure.)
Trixie comes in, sees Virgil, and completely loses her shit. Like, I get that you’re upset by all the violence, but this man has been shot twice in one month in the OLD WEST, and he’s going to live! You are receiving good news!
Doctor: “I’m afraid your husband’s going to lose the use of his arm.”
Trixie: “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
Virgil: “I still got one good arm to hold you with.”
But that’s the arm he fingerbangs me with!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
For some reason Virgil is mad at Wyatt about all of this. But why is it Wyatt’s fault? Virgil’s the one who insisted on being the marshal of a town that’s literally named Tombstone—Wyatt just wanted to play cards!
A guy named McMasters and two henchmen revolt from the Cowboys because they don’t like that the Cowboys shot pellets at the women (#ally). They drop their red sashes. Again with the drama! No longer red-sashed, and no longer red-pilled!
But the Cowboys aren’t done with their revenge yet. Someone shoots Bill Paxton in the back through the window of the saloon while he’s playing pool! HE GONE!! Wait no he’s alive? They’re taking the bullet out of his back. No, they can’t get it out! He’s dead as hell!
Bill Paxton: “You were right, Wyatt. They got me good. Don’t let ‘em get you, brother. You’re the one.”
Wyatt: “Don’t worry about that now.”
Bill Paxton: “Remember what I said about seeing a light when you’re dying? That ain’t true. I can’t see a damn thing.”
NOW WYATT IS REALLY FREAKING PISSED OFF.
He goes outside into the rain and Double-D comes up to him like ooh hello do u want a widdle kiss? And he’s like “NAAAAOOOOOWWWWWWW!!! Get away from me!!” and she leaves in a huff as though it was a NORMAL TIME to try and give a wet, grieving man a widdle kiss?? But then also laudanum wife sees this happen so then SHE’S like WE’RE BREAKING UP and she leaves and meanwhile this man is COVERED IN HIS BROTHER’S BLOOD IN THE RAIN and by the way where is Billy Zane during all of this????????
Wyatt decides it’s finally time to get out of town.
Wyatt (to Cowboys): “I want you to know it’s over.”
Stinky Billy: “Well, bye.”
Johnny Ringo: “You smell that, Bill? Smells like someone died.”
Stinky Billy: “Jesus, Johnny.”
Stinky tells Ike and Stilwell to follow the Earps and “finish it.” They get to the train platform in Tucson but they only see the Earp-wives. Where are the man-Earps?
Stilwell (to Laudanum Wife): “Where’s Wyatt?”
Wyatt: “RIGHT BEHIND YOU, STILWELL” [shoots him]
Then Wyatt says one of his famous lines that totally kicks ass: “You called down the thunder, WELL NOW YOU’VE GOT IT.”
Wyatt reveals to Ike that he wasn’t running away after all—actually he became a US MARSHAL and if he sees a man in a red sash he’s killing them on sight (homophobic?).
Wyatt: “I’M COMIN’ FOR YA AND HELL’S COMIN’ WITH ME!”
Now Wyatt and his gang of male feminists go out and hunt down all the Cowboys one by one and shoot them even while they’re having SEX. Wyatt rides a horse through a window to shoot a Cowboy. Wyatt tricks an opium cowboy into thinking his gun is an opium pipe and then he puts it in his mouth and shoots him. Are you sure you have to kill ALL the Cowboys? There’s gotta be at least one who’s like, um, I’m just the Cowboys’ chef?? I cook the sausages????
Wyatt, no offense, but you have ceased to be the hero of the movie kind of. This seems very much just like a regular spree killing!
They track some Cowboys to a gully, but immediately the Cowboys have Wyatt and his male feminists surrounded!
McMasters: “Think of something fast!”
Wyatt (walking slowly out into the open): “NO. NO. NO.”
That’s what you thought of?
Somehow he manages to kill Stinky Willy anyway.
“Jesus Christ!” – John Corbett who is very surprised that somebody got killed IN THE GUNFIGHT
Wyatt’s guys escape and regroup, but they know Johnny Ringo is coming for them. Someone asks Doc why he’s participating in this terrifying mission, seeing as he is a free dentist who is actively dying and should probably go lie down.
Doc: “Wyatt Earp is my friend.”
Guy: “Hell, I got lotsa friends.”
Doc: “I don’t.”
Why not? You are literally the funniest person in the entire country.
Dana Delaney pulls up on the stupid sheriff in her stagecoach and is like, oh, hello, Billy Zane is DEAD and it’s YOUR STUPID FRIENDS’ FAULT.
Double-D (to Cowboys and Cowboy-Aligned Scoundrels): “You’re all ugly. And he was beautiful. He tried to bring something fine into your ugly world and they shot him for it. Not that you care.”
Priestley can finally see that he chose the wrong group of murderous cops with which to ally. He runs over and holds Billy Zane’s lifeless hand. Hey, can we reboot and switch the movie to being 99% gay love story and 1% men yelling in the street, instead of the other way around?
Priestley (to Sheriff): “I’m sorry, sir, but we got to have some law.”
Did they delete the scene where Billy Zane gets killed by the Cowboys? Because it’s incredibly weird storytelling to have a character disappear for an hour and then just roll up in a stagecoach being like “I’m dead.” They can’t have planned it that way!
Earp & Co. stand on a ridge and survey the desert. Johnny Ringo is riding along with 30 guys, all wearing lawman badges. Earp says they should go find a place to hide. Just then, Doc coughs up a bunch of blood and falls off his horse! Me when I haven’t had my coffee!
They swing by Charlton Heston’s ranch and he says they can hide there, as long as it’s just for one night. But then you gotta get outta here, YOU DAMN DIRTY EARPS!!!
Okay, now Dana Delaney randomly shows up there too? How? Arizona’s BIG! They see each other across Heston’s patio and they both kaboing all over again. But then she leaves and they don’t even KISS. I still don’t know what laudanum wife was so mad about! I’ve been more intimate with my podiatrist!
A little bit later, an envoy from the Cowboys rides up on a horse dragging the corpse of McMasters, who apparently had gone with Double-D’s stagecoach for reasons unmentioned. The Cowboy says Ringo wants to meet Wyatt at some canyon for a real mano-a-mano showdown. Wyatt tells Doc that he finally knows what he wants in life (Double-D) but now he has to go get shot by Johnny Ringo, which sucks.
By the way, usually in the movies they exaggerate things for dramatic effect, but Tombstone absolutely DExaggerated Wyatt Earp’s real mustache because it’s actually too crazy:
Doc says that Johnny Ringo has “a great empty hole right through the middle of him” and he can never kill enough or steal enough to fill it because he wants “revenge” for “being born.” Okay… but you guys have also just been riding around killing people. Like SO many people. What is the difference? Can anyone explain it to me?
Wyatt: “I can’t beat him, can I?”
Doc: “No.”
Yeah, didn’t you see him do twirly gun earlier??
Doc wants to go to the shoot-out with Wyatt but he’s too sick to get out of bed. Before Wyatt leaves, Doc points to his US Marshal badge and says, “What’s it like to wear one of those?” so Wyatt tenderly presses his badge into Doc’s hand. It’s sweet, I guess, but he SHOULD be giving him a KISS!
Wyatt’s a little worried about Doc getting murdered by the Cowboys while he’s gone, but Charlton Heston reassures him: “Don’t worry. They want him, they gotta come over us first.” Or they could just wait 5 minutes! The man is mostly corpse already!
Wyatt gets to the canyon and the Cowboys tell him Johnny Ringo is waiting for him over by the big oak.
Cut to Johnny Ringo loitering by the oak. Wyatt comes out of the shadows, but it’s actually Doc! He rode a horse through a wormhole and beat the male feminists to the canyon! Here’s where Doc says the most famous line in the movie: “I’m your huckleberry.” What does it mean for Doc to be Johnny Ringo’s huckleberry? Nobody knows, nobody cares! Being someone’s huckleberry is all about the vibez.
Johnny Ringo is like uhhhhhh this fight isn’t with you? Don’t you want to go home? But Doc is like yeah it is because I hate ur ass! Then he shows Ringo his lawman badge, which means it’s legal for them to shoot each other I guess. Ringo says right on!!!
They circle around, ready to draw. This is the stupidest form of fighting, btw. Doc says “say when,” and when Ringo says “when,” Doc beans him right in the forehead. Now he’s dead. Wyatt shows up two seconds later and is like dangggggg brother! You beaned him!
Sorry, so, what is Wyatt Earp supposedly good at if it’s not quick-drawing? He just has an iron will and a thirst for the law? He’s good at liking being a cop??? (Wyatt Earp’s Wikipedia page is batshit, by the way.1)
You know, I think what I like about this movie is that it’s just spending time in a world. It’s not about “telling” a “story” or “having” a “plot.” I come to Tombstone to hang out with my friends’ mustaches for 2+ hours, and that’s enough!
Now Wyatt and Doc go to finish off all the Cowboys. They all ride around shooting each other from horseback for a long time. Dude, you are just MASSACREING guys! Sorry to be a broken record but I continue to fail to see the difference between you and the other murder gang with badges! Oh, they killed your brother? You killed soooooo many people’s brothers!
Ike finally gets cornered so he takes off his cowboy sash and I guess they believe in the honors system because they just let him go. Like, do they think that it’s a magic sash and when he takes it off he isn’t evil anymore?
With all the Cowboys handled, Doc goes to die at the sanatorium. Wyatt visits him during his last rites and gives him a secret present and they play poker even though Doc doesn’t want to. Wyatt asks Doc how he’s feeling.
Doc: “I’m dying. How are you?”
Wyatt: “Pretty much the same.”
Ok that is insensitive, because he is actually literally dying and you’re just pooped!
Doc says that Wyatt is the only man who ever gave him hope, and then asks Wyatt what he wants out of life.
Wyatt: “Just to live a normal life.”
Doc: “There is no normal life, Wyatt, there’s just life… Say goodbye to me. Go grab that spirited actress and make her your own.”
I’m sorry, but THIS IS THE LOVE STORY!
Doc: “Live, Wyatt. Live for me.”
KISS! KISS! KISS! KISS!
Wyatt says, “Thanks for always being there, Doc,” and then he leaves. Doc looks at the thing Wyatt gave him and it’s a book called MY FRIEND DOC HOLLIDAY BY WYATT EARP and send me to the sanatorium because I screamed laughing.
Now it’s Christmastime at some theater somewhere and Double-D is backstage, but she’s sad because all she wants for Christmas is EARP. And there he is! He just appears like a spooky creep!
Wyatt tells her, “I have nothing left, nothing to give you, I have no pride, no dignity,” I’ve killed like 447 guys… He says he can’t provide for her but “I promise I’ll love you for the rest of your life.”
They finally kiss who cares. He’s thinking about kissing Doc!
Double-D: “Don’t worry, Wyatt, my family’s rich!”
She asks him what they should do next and he says, “What you wanted to do the first night we met, remember? May I have this dance? And then, room service!”
This is my EVERYONE I KNOW IS DEAD dance!
Then the movie is over and Wyatt and Double-D embark on #vanlife for the next 47 years until they die.
Verdict? I loved this movie because it RULES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
In 1872 he was arrested on a “floating brothel” (i.e. sex boat) and the Peoria newspaper labeled him the “Peoria Bummer” and said that he was part of a group of “men of poor character who were chronic lawbreakers,” “contemptible loafers who impose on hard-working citizens,” “worse than tramps,” and probably a pimp!
Isn't the huckleberry line in there twice? First time when Doc interrupts some Earps and Cowboys having words in the street?
But also yes this movie is such a trip and this recap/review nails it.
A year or so ago I went to a play starting dana Delaney and cowritten by Dana Delaney where she played herself getting catfished by a cancer kid which is apparently a real life thing that really happened to her and was maybe peter Gallagher’s fault. And it was a very weird play but also good too because it was weird!! I as a baby gen x who was familiar with the show catfish figured out almost immediately that it was about being catfished but the mostly boomer audience around me lost their minds at the end of act one when the catfish was revealed (it was coach biest from glee).