Gift Guide: Stuff I've Bought for My Butt This Month
Oops! All Toilet Paper!!!
[EXTREMELY VITAL AND TIME-SENSITIVE MUTUAL AID THAT IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN ANY HOLIDAY SHOPPING: CIS PEOPLE, GIVE YOUR MONEY TO THE TRANS FEDERAL DOCUMENT PROJECT. TELL OTHER CIS PEOPLE TO GIVE MONEY TO THE TRANS FEDERAL DOCUMENT PROJECT.]
Hello, all my naughty little bowls full of jelly (sexual)!
I’m hard at work on my write-up of Hot Frosty, which I watched TWICE last week (the first time for pleasure, the second time for business), and which I am determined to finish and send to you this weekend because I also want to squeeze in While You Were Sleeping before the holidays are over so I’ve gotta get a-clattering. However, I’m also having a very chill and nice December buying gifts for my loved ones and feeling grateful for my friends—despite New York Times best-selling fake friend Samantha Irby texting me Luigi’s alleged dick pic (the People’s Cannoli!!!) NON-CONSENSUALLY AND WITHOUT WARNING after I very thoughtfully sent her a link to a candle I thought she would like!!!!! Even Sam gets a present because that’s how much I love Non-Religious Winter Holiday (and, let’s face it, cannolis!).
That said, I can’t really do a gift guide without spoiling all the gifts I bought for other people this month. So instead, here are all the gifts I got for myself. I kind of think “love language” is stupid, however giving gifts is definitely one of mine, however I also enjoy receiving gifts, however giving gifts isn’t everybody’s love language. Sometimes you gotta be the Santa you want to see in your house.
(None of these are paid or gifted or affiliate links because I barely know what that is.)
Her drops sell out pretty much instantaneously (you gotta sign up for the newsletter!), so I was thrilled to get my hands on this little guy. Can you believe him?????????? What do the drag queens say? He’s serving look?? He’s beaten about the face and head???? Those LASHES! I’m trying to stop drinking coffee because it puts me straight to sleep due to brain chemistry, however I’m not trying to stop pooping, so I think a year-round Christmas mini-mug will fix me. Two ounces of coffee and four ounces of half-and-half per day: The People’s Ratio??
I must confess that I did NOT check the full price before I put down my deposit on this pre-ordered Beef Wellington, and I am trying to save money to pay for a tax attorney to fix my stupid life. So I might be calling them and downsizing from a Medium Beef to a Small Beef, especially since I will only be eating this with two people and one of them is vegan?? Counterpoint: I hate using the phone! Either way, WHO AMONGST US has ever had a bona fide Sir Beef, Duke of Wellington handmade by a pastry genius? If there’s one thing I’ve been feeling since Election Day it’s YOLO. I’ll report back!
I don’t have a picture of Corissa wearing this skirt because it was in her stories and I don’t have the hard drive space to screengrab it every time Corissa looks cute in stories, ok?? Sometimes one has to violate one’s thrifted-clothing-only rule to heal one’s middle school trauma, and my middle school trauma is all the cute sunflower clothes not coming in my size.
Sub-clause: thrifted clothing only EXCEPT for one of everything that this brand puts out. I have a disordered number of her earrings, but I also have TWO hot spouses. Coincidence??
Two Kinds of Juice at Once
Diet culture wants you to think that you can’t buy juice at the store and then drink it. But did you know that you can? Last week I was picking up some POG in the refrigerated juice area and the Simply Fruit Punch caught my eye. Why not both? Who shall stand in my way? Two Kind of Juice at Once is a game-changer if you live with a husband yet also enjoy the sweet taste of juice yourself. Even the thirstiest husband can’t go through TWO things of juice before you get a glass!
It’s a problem. I’m not sleeping. I’m not listening to my family members when they talk. I’m not paying attention to the TV. I’m not getting off the toilet for an hour. Is this the best fucking game I’ve ever played in my life????? (It’s for sure better than Veilguard1, no offense, none taken!!!) Balatro is one of those games where you think you understand the mechanics and then the further into it you delve the more it reveals itself to you, which is the most satisfying and elegant kind of video game I think. I was never that interested in roguelikes because I thought I need narrative to have fun, but honestly narrative can go to hell! In Balatro the narrative is ME GETTING BETTER AT BALATRO. (Also thank you to Hades for first teaching me that I can love a roguelike! I will get back to you as soon as I find my Switch charger!)
Volunteering at the Animal Rescue
Tied with “YOLO” for my #1 lizard-brain response to November 5, it’s the overwhelming urge to find the most raggedy, haggard animal in the region and make its life marginally better. I can’t fix all the evil things that humans do to each other, but I can cuddle the grossest cat you’ve ever seen! I had my first volunteer shift last week, which consisted of four hours doubled over digging through sawdust litter with my gloved hands (it’s too big to sift with the scooper—EVIL) for cold nuggets of cat piss and shit, and I’ve never felt more patriotic. Volunteering at the animal rescue is like having your own pet cat except with 8000% more piss-shit and 0% of an animal loving you and purring next to you while you curl up with a good book. And yet! I had the time of my life!!! There is a three-legged black cat named Tiny who only says “squeak squeak” and an elderly calico who only says “scronk scronk!” A tuxedo cat rode around on my shoulder while I folded blankets and I couldn’t help but think that even if RFK takes away my anti-depressant and replaces it with IV beef tallow, at least I had this moment with shoulder-cat.
Water Aerobics to Address My Back Pain from Bending Over the Litter Boxes
The closest public pool is 53 minutes from my house but it’s worth it! First of all, this is the social event of the PLANET and it happens three times a week. I was invited to a holiday potluck within the first seven minutes of my first class. You know those clubs in Berlin where you had to have gotten in line in 2017 dressed like a vinyl dog if you want to dance this Saturday? I would do that for this water aerobics class. Second of all, I heard SO much gossip about the women who weren’t there, but in a loving way (“did you hear so-and-so got chased by a deer?”), which is my food. Third of all, there’s only one husband who comes and he was late and everyone was like “Where’s Larry????” and when he finally walked in the entire class screamed, “LARRYYYYYY!!!!!!!2” like he was that kid on the Jumbotron at the Red Wings game. Fourth of all, my back feels amazing! Look out, cat shit! I’m coming for ya!
Once again I say unto you: YOLO. I’m sorry I bought this on Amazon. I was in distress.
Three Separate Secret Santa Groups (So Far)
The thing about buying presents for EVERYONE during the holidays is that everyone is too many people and so everyone half-asses it and no one actually ends up with any good presents. So this year, I pitched Secret Santa to two different friend groups and my extended family, which means that I get to receive three different thoughtful, funny gifts from three people who weren’t stressed out about it! And I get to pick out three perfect gifts for three people instead of 30 mediocre gifts for 30 people! It’s the perfect crime! AND I get to have three different Secret Santa reveal parties, which now that I’m typing it out sounds like the setup for an incredible Hallmark/Netflix holiday rom-com, which I will be writing. Don’t steal it!
Speaking of, GOTTA GO FINISH WRITING ABOUT HOT FROSTY. WATCH THIS SPACE.
Ho ho ho,
Lindy
P.S. A few other important little items:
If you haven’t already, you should subscribe to my BFF/podcast co-host Meagan Hatcher-Mays’s new politics Substack, Swamp Person! It’s sooooooo good and smart! Truly a balm!
Speaking of podcast, did you know we also have merch now? Designed by genius Corianton Hale? Wow, what a perfect holiday gift for the person in your life who loves podcast! You can get a merch discount if you subscribe to our Patreon (where, by the way, we’re recapping Shrill episode by episode! we got behind but now we are back! Sam Irby guested on the last one!).
Speaking of holiday gift, did you know I am back on Cameo? Book me! I do them really good. Everyone is saying it and they’re saying it more and more.
Speaking of me, I’m on this week’s episode of the podcast Weight For It and it was a really special conversation and you should listen to it immediately.
Speaking of being special, if you live in New York City or nearby, you should get tickets to see my juice-guzzling husband Ahamefule perform their genius new show The Things Around Us at La MaMa on January 9-12 as part of the Under the Radar Festival. Don’t believe it’s genius? Watch this fricking trailer! I will be there one of the nights. Which one? Who can say?? You’ll have to come every night to guarantee a hug!
Speaking of geniuses, you should also watch Scaachi Koul’s extremely upsetting documentary Girls Gone Wild: The Untold Story on Peacock. Between this and those Woodstock 99 documentaries, I’ve been re-tabulating the ambient trauma of being born in 1982, and it’s not good!
In conclusion, once again, send your MONEY to the Trans Federal Document Project. They don’t need your signal-boosting, they need your MONEY. LYLAS!
I tried really really hard to stay positive about Veilguard, but it just feels like it was made for babies by businessmen who don’t really understand why people like video games. Watching the menu screen animation from Inquisition is literally a more intense emotional experience than anything in Veilguard!
name changed in case any of you are water aerobics paparazzi I guess???
I’m wayyyyy obsessed with Balatro. If you really enjoy the deck building aspect you might really like Slay The Spire if you haven’t already tried it!
Best thing to wake up to on a saturday (I live in Austria, where it is currently 8AM).
I will absolutely also gift myself 2 juices at once, thank you very much for that glorious idea!