Butt News Movie Club #15: The Net

Never Trust a Hot British Squermy Wermy!!!!!!!!

[Did you know that I turned 40 in March and when you turn 40 it’s your birthday all year? IF YOU WANT TO GET ME SOMETHING FOR MY BIRTHDAY, MY ONLY BIRTHDAY WISH IS THAT YOU SUBSCRIBE TO BUTT NEWS USING MONEY! Especially if you are rich and/or a hot British hacker! Redistribute that wealth!

And if you have suggestions for future movies, put them in the comments HERE!

Also, need a last-minute gift for someone or a pep talk just for yourself? Well, I’m on CAMEO! Which means that for a low, low price you can hire me to tell your best friend happy birthday, or tell your landlord that you cut a large circular hole in the hardwood floor trying to install a wood stove! Hire me! Sometimes I am bad at getting all my Cameos done, but just resubmit if it expires and I promise I will get to it!]

We open with Ed Truck on the steps of the Capitol Building or maybe the Supreme Court (BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO) or one of any number of big white buildings that have been fucking up our lives lately (“lately” = 400+ years). He’s Mr. Undersecretary! Of Defense! And he’s yelling into a big cell phone that there “must have been a mistake.” Probably just a regular ol’ Ed Truck governmental business call about a classic normal governmental blooper such as war or private prisons or violent insurrection or stacking the Supreme Court with deranged partisan hellhounds, right? Wrong! This mistake is mysterious as hell! You can tell because instead of going straight home after work like normal to undermine his wife’s rules about how much Sega his son can play, Ed Truck goes to the park and emotionally slurps a pear on a bench (a WOMAN’S snack!). Unfortunately, next, his capa is detated from his head, using a gun, which he fires. Dang.

Now we swoop down through Sandra Bullock’s skylight (I wish!!!!) where she’s beta-testing a computer game, which appears to be Wolfenstein 3D, a game I had for one day before my dad confiscated it for literally being full of swastikas—WHICH YOU SHOOT AND EXPLODE WITH A SUBMACHINE GUN, DAD!!!! That’s actually a good thing! Do you want me to leave swastikas alone!? Problematic fave imo.

Sandy, whose character’s name is Angela Bennett, which is a detail I don’t usually take the time to remember or look up, but her name is kind of relevant to the plot of this movie, so I guess I will use it. UGH. Angela finds a virus in the game—“one keystroke will wipe out your whole system” (excuse me what the fuck! maybe my dad was right!)—and removes it so the games studio can get the game “back in stores.” Wait, how does that work? If you release a game with a VIRUS ON IT on 3.5” floppy disk in 1995, how do you remotely fix everyone’s floppy disk who’s already bought it and taken it home and RUINED THEIR COMPUTER WITH A VIRUS? Did people just go back to CompUSA and trade in their bugged disk for a new one once Sandra Bullock (I MEAN ANGELA) fixed it? But that wouldn’t repair the entire system wipe we just heard about!! Wouldn’t this be financially catastrophic for the company? I guess my advice, if you are planning to release a swastika-riddled FPS in 1995 is to check for viruses BEFORE you ship the floppies.

Angela mails the virus off to some friend of hers (“[he] collects them… some people keep string” —> no they don’t??) and settles in for a relaxing evening of being an ugly shut-in with no meat friends only computer friends. After ordering a large garlic, anchovies, and extra cheese (for $14—can you imagine 20 inches of anything for $14 in 2022?) on PIZZA DOT NET, truly the most important fake website in cinema history:

…she pops into her fave chat room to get sexually harassed by her anonymous BFF “Cyberbob.” Cyberbob asks her to describe her ideal man and she says, BAFFLINGLY: “Butch, beautiful, brilliant, Captain America meets Albert Schweitzer. Spends all day dashing into the fray while making the world safe for democracy; at night playing Bach Cantatas while curing cancer.” I’m not sure why, but that is somehow the least evocative description of a human being I have ever heard. I have no mental picture of this person at all! Was it written by a neural network? Anyway, the internet boys love it. “You’re one of us,” they say. Okey dokey!

The next day, after bringing her mom some Almond Roca (A REGIONAL SNACK OF MY PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!) at the memory care facility, hacker queen Angie receives a new floppy to debug for her remote coworker Dale, whom she has never met because of her grotesqueness. It’s called Mozart’s Ghost, which is an… internet band(?)…

…and Dale explains that in the corner there is a little pi symbol and when you click on it and hit ctrl-shift it takes you to the mainframes of various major infrastructure departments? Or something? I could not follow because I am not un l33t h4x0r. Already pwned by this plot!!!! Crap!

Me trying to understand the plot:

Dale says it’s really clutch that they talk about Mozart’s Ghost in person (horny) and he’s going to fly down to LA in his Cessna and meet her for breakfast. She’s like UGH I’ve never met a person before, but okay, FINE, Mozart’s Ghost does seem pretty important (??????), but he better hurry because she’s flying to Mexico right after borkfist—her first vacation in SIX YEARS because even though she has no time constraints, family obligations, friends, or dependents, she is tragically addicted 2 workahol.

But when Dale’s on his way, he crashes his plane into a thing! Someone fudged with his equipment! He’s dead! Put him on a floppy and call him Dale’s Ghost, the deadest Dale on the internet, and use him to hack into the Long Beach Metro Transit Authority mainframe because HE GONE!

Angela, waiting for Dale at LAX, is annoyed but whatever. She’s got a vacation to get to! Except LAX is shut down because of a “computer malfunction” (do u think it’s MOZART’S GHOST!??!?!!)! Then she sees on the news that Ed Truck had AIDS! She didn’t know him, but WE DO from the beginning of the movie! Someone spooky watches her from a mezzanine.

Side note, living for this Manchu Wok cameo.

Eventually LAX gets its shit together and Angie makes it to Mexico where she brings her LAPTOP to the BEACH and looks like shit with her horrible physical nerd body.

She overhears a Hot British (Jeremy Northam) nearby ordering her favorite cocktail, the Gibson—“it’s a martini with an onion instead of an olive,” which is similar to my favorite cocktail, the Churdley Temple, which is a Shirley Temple with an onion instead of a cherry. Hot British notices her laptop and they have this baffling “human conversation”:

Jeremy Northam: Is that business or pleasure?

Angela Bennett: Is there a difference?

Jermy: Not a great deal if you’re a hacker.

Ang (noticing HIS laptop): Nice piece of hardware, I assume you’re in the business?

Jerm: Isn’t everybody?

Ang: Nope.

Werm: God, we’re pathetic, aren’t we?”

Angie: Excuse me?

Jerm Werm: Well, we’re here. We’re sitting on the most perfect beach in the world and all we can think about is—

Ang: Where can I hook up my modem?”

Wermy: Yeah, exactly.

Then Jerm tha Werm says that he used to pretend like he was the cat from Breakfast at Tiffany’s and he would sit in an alley in the rain and get soaking wet and feel abandoned, and BTW that is exactly what all Men’s Rights Activists sound like. He asks her to dinner and she says yes because she has always want to fuck a wet cat.

They go out on a yacht together, because apparently this chick has never listened to Casefile, and she tells him about the travails of growing up a homely freak.

Werm: Computers are your life, aren’t they?

Ang: Yes, the perfect hiding place.

ARE THEY THE PERFECT PLACE TO HIDE OR ARE THEY THE PERFECT PLACE TO GET YOUR ENTIRE LIFE STOLEN BY A BRITISH SEX WERM, ANGIE?!?!?!?!?

They walk on the beach and she is cold so Wermy makes her a napkin belt.

That’s better.

Jermo la Wermo asks if she’s feeling adventurous, but before she can answer, adventure finds HER in the form of a man running by and stealing her purse and then squiddly-dinking off into the jungle. Northam WERM-SQUERMS after him and catches him, but TWIST I BET U DIDN’T EXPECT, they’re in cahoots! Macho Man Wermy Savage is just looking for Angie’s disk, because he is Mozart’s Ghost’s NUMBER ONE FAN.

The thief accomplice tells Werm that the floppy was neither in Angie’s purse nor her hotel room, but Wermo finds it tucked inside her checkbook and tells the thief, “You’re the midget Houdini,” which, your guess is as good as mine. Then he shoots him with a silent gun.

Jermy throws the purse into the bushes and then cuts his hand so it looks like he fought the guy real good. Counterpoint: You could have just not cut your hand!

They return to the yacht, where he tells her that he cannot reach the police on the ship-to-shore radio so they have to go further out to sea to get some reception. Angie. My queen. Watch ONE Forensic Files, I am begging you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She tells him all about her mom’s Alzheimer’s. This makes him so powerfully horny that they have to have erotic sex. Then, when he goes down to make them some post-coital Gibsons (always having cocktail onions on hand is a red flag, imo), Angie gets cold again and decides to use his jacket to make a jacket belt. She reaches into the pocket and finds… THE GUN!

Ang: So, what’s this for?

Jerm: It’s for shark fishing. [Ed.: nice save]

Ang: Shark fishing. With a silencer? [Ed.: NICE CATCH]

Despite absolutely homiciding this man’s cover story with her fishing knowhow, Shark Sherlock over here immediately HANDS THE GUN BACK TO HIM, asking, “Who are you, Jack?” And he’s like, “I’M CAPTAIN AMERICA MEETS ALBERT SCHWEIZER!” revealing himself to be not only a hot British silent shark murdering hacker/onion lover but also one of her INTERNET CHAT ROOM BOY BABIES! Except EVIL! “And now, if you’ll excuse me, it’s time to make the world safe for democracy” (callback). Then he tries to shoot her.

This is exactly like the time when I got catfished by my first internet friend in 7th grade! She said that she was in her early 20s and she was Scottish and her favorite celebrities were David Bowie and Brent Spiner and she had a boyfriend named Brent and a baby named David, a coincidence I absolutely did not find suspicious, and then I talked to her on the phone once and she was FOR SURE an American child trying to do a Scottish accent, which I also did not clock in the moment because I was 12! Then when we figured out the truth and confronted her she burned the MSN bulletin board to the ground and fled.

Anyway, click click! The gun doesn’t work! Clever Angie took the clip out! She burns Wermy’s face and hits him with a wine bottle, then starts running around. The radio doesn’t work. She can’t find the keys. But she FINDS THE DISK! She knows he’s the one who stole her purse! Meanwhile, Jerm is over here waking up any second. GIRL, THROW HIM OVERBOARD. HE TRIED TO KILL YOU. Angie does look insanely cute in her little outfit with his big linen blazer on, though! Look of the summer.

She hops in the lil dinghy and escapes just as he wakes up and tries to jump on board. Then she crashes it into a rock like a real dumbass and has to get found by a fisherman. She wakes up in the hospital, and here’s where we witness what we thought would be the greatest evil of the internet in 1995 before we knew about Salt Bae!

Angela goes back to her hotel and the hotel people are like, “Angela Bennett checked out LAST SATURDAY!” and she’s like “No, I DIDN’T,” and they’re like, “Yeah, because you’re not her! You’re some woman named Ruth Marx!” A lady comes up and is like “Hey, Ruth Marx, sign this paper with your photo and social security number on it and you can get a temporary visa and go back to America.” Angie is like exqueese me, but she SIGNS IT, agreeing that she IS RUTH MARX. How could it backfire?

Now she gets on a plane and flies back to California but she can’t find her car and her house is for sale and there’s an open house today and all of her stuff is gone. This is the problem when you only know one person IRL and they have Alzheimer’s. Lesson: ALWAYS throw your evil British boyfriend off the boat before international travel!

Stan Whiteman of Whiteman Realty gives her a tour of her own house, and refuses to believe that she’s the real Angela Bennett. The nosy neighbor across the street even confirms that she saw “Angela Bennett” move out, because she thinks all H4X0RS look alike. They ask for her ID to prove that she’s Angela Bennett, but this dingaling only has the temporary visa she got in Cozumel that says she’s Ruth Marx! More like Anjabroni Bennjaroni!

Nosy neighbor: That’s a federal offense to forge a visa.

Ang: Oh, and what is it to steal an entire house?

Genuine lol.

Jeremy Northam is in a car across the street (AREN’T YOU NERVOUS?) fucking up her police record in real time using—you guessed it—a computer.

“You don’t know one person in a town you’ve lived in for four years, who can vouch you’re Angela Bennett?” asks a cop, reasonably. Angie says that she does know one other person: “my therapist, Alan Champion.” Because this was the 90s, when therapy was a crime, nosy neighbor is like, “Your THERAPIST!?!?” and Angie says, defensively, “My ex-therapist, all right?” Hey! Stop validating the stigma, Ang!

Just then, Angie hears the cop say, “She’s wanted for prostitution and narcotics, we’re gonna bring her in,” so she runs out the back with Whiteman’s phone.

“We don’t want another Cozumel…take care of it,” a mysterious man tells Wermy on his car phone. (Sorry, but isn’t this the same continuing Cozumel?) Wermy follows her in his car, secretly.

Angie tries to call her old boss at work but he’s “left the company,” so she asks to be put through to head of security. And do you know who picks up? Only ANGELA BENNETT! LOL at stealing someone’s identity so hard that you have to actually go to their work and do their boring job every day.

Fake Angela Bennett tells her to hand over the Mozart’s Ghost floppy and they’ll give her her life back. Seems like a no-brainer? But she’s like no I will never betray my BEST FRIEND, Mozarts Ghost. The evil hackers don’t know how to trace Whiteman’s cell phone, so Wermy invents triangulating cell signals real quick. Good job, man! That’s a super big deal! Why don’t you stop doing evil hacking and just do regular hacking? Probably the same amount of money with at least 10% less cutting open your own hand!

Angie’s EX-therapist Alan Champion (DENNIS MILLER, UNFORTUNATELY) picks her up and takes her to a hotel to hide. On the way, she tosses the cell phone to a homeless man, which is mean, since literally a whole crime syndicate is after it!?

Dennis Miller starts drinking out of the mini-bar, because nobody in this movie can go ten seconds without having a fucking GIBSON—literally, is this paid product placement by Big Little Onion!?!?

He gives Angie some of his ex’s clothes and tells her—OUTRAGEOUSLY—that she’s probably just making up this whole Ruth Marx thing because of her daddy issues. (BOYCOTT ALL MEN.) When she prepares to commit murder against him he reconsiders and is like, “Sometimes it’s easier for me to play doctor than to listen.” SIR, YOU ARE LITERALLY A LISTENING DOCTOR.

Angie then sums up the whole message of the movie thuswise: “They must have watched [me] on the internet. I don’t know. Watched my credit cards. Our whole lives are on the computer!”

Dennis Miller says he’ll put her in touch with his friend Ben who works for the FBI, and have her mom moved to a secure sanatorium where Wormy can’t get to her. Angie borrows Dennis Miller’s laptop and uses a card she found in Wormy’s wallet to log into a Swiss bank(?), I think. It has that same little pi symbol in the corner so she clicks on it, and it’s… a document about how Ed Truck had AIDS(?), I think? I’m not totally following.

Wormy’s crony notices that she’s logged on and starts trying to track her location. Meanwhile, Dennis Miller buys some pills and a soda at a mart and the cashier USES A COMPUTER! They’re everywhere!!! Sandy realizes at this point that she doesn’t just need normal help, she needs h4x0r help. She types, “WHO IS GANDALF” into… something? But he lives in India. (Um, actually him and Shadowfax boarded a ship at the Grey Havens and sailed to the Undying Lands with Frodo, Bilbo, Elrond, and Galadriel, but ooooooohkaaaayyyy????)

Then she looks up “WHO IS CYBERBOB” and he lives in LA! Perf!

Angie chats Cyberbob and Cyberbob tells her that the little pi symbol means “Praetorians,” who are hackers who are extremely dangerous and therefore “don’t mess with them.” But he agrees to “meet in IRL, in private.” She’s like, no, it’s gotta be a public place, so they agree to meet at the Santa Monica Pier and Cyberbob will be wearing… GARBLE GARBLE THE COMPUTER GOES GARBLED. THE PRAETOREANS GOT CYBERBOB’S ADDRESS. WERMY IS SQUIRMING HIS WAY OVER THERE AS WE SPEAK.

The phone rings and she ANSWERS IT (ma’am? Are you certain you’re a cybersecurity expert?) but there’s no one there. But then Dennis Miller is at the door and he brought Chinese food—“your favorite!” She’s like “That’s your favorite,” because this is for sure the time to be a picky bitch to the only person on earth who believes you exist, so he says he’ll “make it up to her” by taking her to a Greek restaurant instead. BUT YOU HAVE CHINESE FOOD RIGHT THERE! EAT IT!

Dennis Miller’s FBI friend says he wants to talk to her the next morning so she can tell him about hackers bringing down the infrastructure using Pizza.net.

Wermy kills Cyberbob.

Sandy gets her hands on some sort of secret coroner’s report and discovers that a COMPUTER blood test said that Ed Truck had AIDS, “but when they did the autopsy there was no HIV found.”

Angie: “Maybe my autopsy will prove I’m not Ruth Marx.” (Good line!)

This movie is supposed to be a bone-chilling warning about all the information we voluntarily give away on the internet, but watching it in 2022 my overwhelming reaction is: Did we all used to have this much privacy? Consider my bones chilled!

Dennis Miller says he might actually believe Angie, but then he starts choking and dying, saying, “Pills! Pills!” He’s having a penicillin allergy, but he survives. In the hospital, this horrible thing happens:

Dennis Miller: Will you be handling the outpatient care, nurse?

Angie: Would you mind?

Dennis: Visions of sponge baths dance in my head.

THIS IS SO INAPPROPRIATE AND GROSS. WHAT IS THEIR RELATIONSHIP?

She crawls into bed with him and they fall asleep. But we pan up and there’s… a security camera! Which means A COMPUUUUUTER!!!

Okay, so Angie goes to the pier to meet Cyberbob because she doesn’t know he’s CyberDEAD!

Ope, now Dennis Miller gotta get murdered. An evil nurse (I guess) changes his IV bag and ups the rate to “dead.” Dead-ass Miller.

Back at the pier, Wormy sneaks up and grabs Angie from behind and their dialogue absolutely pops off, as usual:

Wermy: I hope this isn’t how you greet all your old lovers.

Ang: That’s not exactly the category you fit into. I’m surprised you didn’t kill me then fuck me!

Werm: It was difficult, right, because I was attracted to you, I still am, I’m genuinely attracted to you!

Ang: Yeah well I’m going to genuinely attract half the Santa Monica police department if you don’t go away now!”

He calls her bluff and is like LOL ma’am the cops think you’re Ruth Marx, evil drug prostitute. She counters by saying that she knows the Praetorians tricked Ed Truck into shooting himself by telling him he had AIDS using computer. Wermy is not fazed at all—in fact he is proud! “Everybody has their button, and [Ed Truck]’s just happened to be homophobia.” Weirdly progressive observation from this extreme murderer!

Angie runs away into the arcade and LMAO gets on the carousel? YEAH IT’S FUN BUT LITERALLY THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT YOU NEED TO BE DOING. Wermy chases her. She gets off the carousel and hides inside a wee cupboard. The music here is VERY DRAMATIC but I cannot help but feel like it is just a confused man riding a carousel while a woman hides in a wee cupboard? Also, RUN AWAY, ANGIE!!!!!!!!!!

Wermy finally locates the cupboard but he loses her because she does the “go out the other side” trick (tru hackers know).

Angie runs back to the hospital to see Dennis Miller…

But

As we know

He gone.

They’re trying to resuscitate him and she’s making a scene so the doctor is like “GET HER OUTTA HERE” and she fights them!?!? She is like KICKING THE NURSES. Anyway he’s dead. The nurse is like “yeah he went into insulin shock,” and Angie is like NO! HE DIDN’T HAVE DIABETES! But the nurse is like, “Would a COMPUTER LIE!?” So Sandy throws the nurse’s computer monitor on the floor!!!!! Dang!

Now Angie is paranoid as hell. She buys a car(?) and sleeps in it on the lot(??). With what money? But okay. She’s heading north on PCH. It starts pouring rain. Her car phone rings. SHE ANSWERS.

Wormy: You’ve no idea what it does to me just hearing the sound of your voice.

Why did you answer the phone?

Whose car is this?

How did he get her car phone number????

WHOSE CAR IS THIS

Some cops run her license plate and see that her car was reported stolen. Did she actually steal it? Or did Wormy make it say so using computer? Angie tries to escape but drives off the road and down an embankment. She is arrested.

We, as a society, really could have paid better attention to the prescient message of this movie, which is that people will believe literally anything a computer tells them. If only!

Angie’s public defender is like, “Hello, I am Rose from Lost and I would like to help you out but unfortunately you seem insane.” And Angie’s like, look, everything about you is on computers. All your information. Your social security number, your money, your marriage certificate to Bernard, all your stuff! And they can just go in there and mess with it! And they did it to me and they’re gonna do it to you next, ROSE! SOS!

Okay, but BTW, what about, like, all of her mom’s family photos, and her high school yearbooks, and stuff like that? I guess the problem is bureaucracy? Like, which human being would she get to actually go and look at her yearbook and officially verify, like, “huh, I guess that does look like you,” and then actually do something to… fix all her documents?

Rose explains that there’s no fricking way Angie’s identity got douched by the Praetorians like she says: “I hate to tell you this, but the California Criminal Justice computers, all of them, have been protected by the Gatekeeper security programs for the last six months. So nothing that you’re describing could possibly happen!”

And then, lightbulb! Angie figures it out!

Gatekeeper Security, which is run by evil billionaire Jeff Gregg (lol for some reason), is in league with the Praetorians! He has the Praetorians go do lil attacks on pieces of infrastructure, and then when the officials get all freaked out, Gatekeeper sells them a cybersecurity system, giving the Praetorians a backdoor to the whole world! It’s literally EXACTLY LIKE when BTK was going around installing alarm systems in people’s houses in Wichita to protect them from himself!!!!!!!!!

Rose is like, “um, okay, don’t say any of this to the judge, you absolute noodle.”

Then, good news: Dennis Miller’s FBI friend Ben gets her out of jail! And he hates Jeremy Northam too: “HE’S A ONE MAN DIRTY DOODY SQUAD.”

He probably said “duty,” but this is my butt news and I can do what I want!

Okay, OBVIOUSLY this isn’t the real Ben, it’s one of Wormy’s henchworms trying to get the floppy again.

“Ben”: Did you make a copy of the disk before it was ruined in Mexico?

Angie: How did you know it was ruined in Mexico?

Damn, dude, you fucked this up immediately. Jeremy Northam is gonna be really mad, and then he’s gonna be even madder when he finds out you called him a one man dirty doody squad!!!!

Angie grabs the wheel and makes Fake Ben crash into Jeremy Northam’s one man dirty doody squad car. Jeremy chases her but she jumps on to a drawbridge that is opening so he can’t get to her. Ang hears on the news that like every bank in the world got shut down due to hacker tampering, and the only bank that didn’t get fucked with was protected by Jeff Gregg’s Gatekeeper. Now the entire federal government is installing Gatekeeper thanks to Ed Truck’s successor, who’s deep in the stinky brown pocket of dirty doody.

Then she sees her picture on the news saying that she’s wanted for murdering Fake Ben GANGLAND STYLE. She goes to San Francisco and sneaks into her old office, where fake Angela Bennett is still working as head of security (LOL!!!!!). Angie uses a COMPUTER to create a fake fire alarm—using their own Praetorian tricks against them—then when everyone leaves she goes on Fake Angela Bennett’s computer and tries to delete her own… person file? To get her life back? But she doesn’t have the right clearance. Then there’s an INCOMING MESSAGE: It tells fake Angela to delete Mozart’s Ghost and TERMINATE SANDRA BULLOCK!

Uh oh, the employees are all coming back up the elevator now! She puts all the Jeff Gregg/Praetorian evidence she can find on a disk. Now she just has to sneak out without getting terminated by the fake her. LMAO she left all the stuff open on the desktop so they know exactly what she did. MA’AM U NEED TO HACK BETTER. Angie steals a fireman’s clothes and sneaks out in the commotion.

Outside, Jeremy sees a pile of fireman clothes on the ground, realizes what happened (???), and is like “Smart. Better call Gregg.” Sorry, is this a three-man operation!!?!? Just Gregg, Jeremy Northam, and Fake Angela, who has to spend all her time answering quotidian e-mails at the random computer company? It must have been a HUGE BLOW when Angie murdered Fake Ben, a full 25% of your crime syndicate!

Angie escapes into the AIDS march, then runs over to the Pan-Pacific Computer Convention at the Moscone Center, conveniently jogging distance from the computer office. Wormy surveys the convention floor with Fake Angela: “She’s out there all right. But she won’t be hiding in some corner. She came to use a computer.”

Angie finds a computer and logs into… the FBI’s e-mail? Then she sends an e-mail TO the FBI being like, “I have been witness to serious crimes committed by, and on behalf of, Jeff Gregg,” and attaches the evil files from the Jeff Gregg Evidence Floppy.

But then, up pops Wormy!!!!!!

Worm: What did you think you were trying to do? Save the world?

Ang: No, not the world, just myself. [Ed.: Aim for the world next time, please!]

She’s like LOL, Jeremy Northam, look at what’s on the computer screen! I just sent everything to the FBI! And he’s like LOL it doesn’t matter because I can just fix it with Gatekeeper! I am invincible using computers! But it’s a trick! She switched disks and put in the VIRUS DISK FROM THE BEGINNING! The one that wipes your entire system when you try to play Wolfenstein 3D!

Angie runs away, they chase her, Wermy accidentally shoots Fake Angela thinking she’s Real Angela (that’s why u should always label ur Angelas) and now there’s a very slow-paced chase. In conclusion, Wormy explains the plot: One little stroke of a key and you’ve wiped out my employer. You’ve cancelled my contract. You’ve reversed everything they’ve done to you.

Is that how it works!?!?!?!?!? She donks him with a fire extinguisher and he falls off the catwalk. Now she gets to go back to the computer convention and play video games ALL NIGHT! And billionaire Jeff Gregg gets arrested!

OK NEXT DO ELON.