Butt News Movie Club #16: Sixteen Candles

Falsely Claiming Membership in the Itty Bitty Titty Committee Is Stolen Valor

[Did you know that I turned 40 in March and when you turn 40 it’s your birthday all year? IF YOU WANT TO GET ME SOMETHING FOR MY BIRTHDAY, MY ONLY BIRTHDAY WISH IS THAT YOU SUBSCRIBE TO BUTT NEWS USING MONEY! Especially if you are rich enough to have 17 flat-chested Irish children and a mansion outside Chicago! Redistribute that wealth!

As always, if you have suggestions for future movies, put them in the comments HERE!

Also, you may have noticed that although I’m on CAMEO I have not been on Cameo lately. That’s because I’m working on my new book, Adult Braces, and I needed to take a little break to get some writing done. But I’m planning to open my bookings up again in September, so get ready!]

I’m pretty sure I’ve cited Sixteen Candles in TWOS (2s) of my books as a primo example of fucked up 80s media that we all normalized and internalized and ruined our own lives trying to emulate, but I must confess I never actually rewatched it as an adult (I am a gorgeous beacon of integrity and dutiful research!!!!!). But the other day I was at a coffee shop trying to pick a Butt News movie (frontrunner was Fellowship of the Ring—vote yes or no in comments) when I ran into a friend who scolded me (correctly) for not writing enough Butt Newses lately and I asked her what movie I should watch and she delivered a passionate monologue on the toxic nothingness of Jake Ryan and I was sold. So here you go! You were right! It’s worse than I remembered and I remembered it as waterboardesque!

(ALSO, I COMPLETELY DID NOT REALIZE THAT I PICKED SIXTEEN CANDLES FOR THE 16TH BUTT NEWS UNTIL I TYPED IT INTO THE HEADER SPOT ABOVE! I AM AMAZING!)

Opening shot, a GOLDEN RETRIEVER is chasing the paperman, so I have to give the first 5 seconds of this movie a hearty 110% on Rotten Lindmatoes!!!!! That’s my buddy!!!!!!!!! The paperman hits a station wagon with a paper and the car alarm goes off, and I did not remember that car alarms used to sound extremely different. It sounds like somebody just escaped from Shawshank! Jesus Christ!

Now we’re inside a house that is somehow both impressively large and claustrophobically crowded. Everyone has to wake up because relatives are coming! This is conspicuously similar to the opening of Home Alone (ed.: written and produced by John Hughes!), I guess because John Hughes was really committed to there being mainly one kind of family and one kind of house and one kind of morning. When I was a kid I thought everyone in the world except me lived outside Chicago in a four-story house and had nine siblings and was Irish.

A child named Mike hilariously threatens to punch his sister Sara (quite recently a baby) in the face, our first red flag that the past was bad. Everyone is running around like wild dogs because one of the siblings, Ginny, who is bitchy (blonde, obviously), is getting married the next day. Mike is like, “Dad, she got her period. Should make for an interesting honeymoon, huh?” a creepy crime that he should absolutely be sent to boarding school for!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cut to Molly Ringwald in her bedroom staring in the mirror and talking to herself: “Chronologically you’re 16 today. Physically you’re still 15. Hopeless.”

Then she picks up the phone and… continues a conversation?? Who is she talking to???? Why did she put the phone down and look in the mirror silently for an unknown length of time while someone waited on the other end? There was no speakerphone in 1984!!¹

“I look exactly the same as I have since summer. Utterly forgettable. No, I didn’t expect to wake up transformed. I just thought that turning 16 would be so major that I’d wake up with an improved mental state that would show in my face. All it shows is that I don’t have any sort of a tan left. I’d better get downstairs. My family’s probably pissed off that I haven’t let them wish me a happy birthday yet.”

Then she just hangs up on WHOEVER!!!! The operator? Miss Cleo? (That would have been a hacky joke in 2001 but has it come back around? Please say yes!)

I know this goes without saying but it’s so damaging to watch women who look like Molly Ringwald talk about being ugly. Of course we’re all permanently ruined! It’s a running theme in this movie that she stares at other girls’ boobs and sighs enviously and talks about how she will never grow boobs and no one will ever love her, but it’s like—you have boobs, ma’am! We can see them!² Even though you’re constantly wearing a weird baggy pastel thing with flaps like Jonathan Frakes on shore leave at the pleasure colony, WE CAN SEE THEM! They are blatantly protruding the exact same amount as Caroline Mulford’s. And sorry--falsely claiming membership in the Itty Bitty Titty Committee is STOLEN VALOR.

Molly heads downstairs where she discovers that not only is she hideous and flat, all 27 people in her family have forgotten her 16th birthday. Her mom goes, “I’m sorry, you’ll have to buy lunch today. I didn’t have time to fix your carrots,” and can you imagine having to fix your own carrots on your birthday????

Then Mike is like, “Yeah, well, she’s only eating carrots to increase the size of her breasts,” which, does that work in reverse? My back hurts. Anyway, Mike needs therapy.

Molly goes to school where she stands around in the hallway looking like shit while everyone barfs. (Just kidding! She is scientifically the most beautiful and charming person ever born!) She tells her friend Randy (girl Randy) about her bad morning: “Everything’s just getting shittier. My family forgetting my birthday just makes everything more vivid.”

And Randy tells her it’s no big deal and that she should calm down! WOW, YOU’RE A BAD FRIEND!

But also, Molls, you were this excited about your 16th birthday, but you didn’t mention it… at all? Like not even… yesterday? Last week? The day your sister announced her wedding date? You gotta let people know what you want!!!!! YOUR PARENTS HAVE LIVES. Yes, they should have remembered your birthday, but by doing Good Communication, you could have avoided this whole movie and spared the psyches of millions of Asian teenagers. Try: “Wow, I’m so excited for my sweet 16 tomorrow,” or, “I know my 16th birthday is the day before the logistical and emotional nightmare of my sister’s wedding, but it means a lot to me—is there any way we can make a plan to acknowledge both?” Boom! No more movie!

Randy says some version of that and Molly is like, “I wouldn’t stoop to remind them,” and I guess the point of this is to accurately portray teenagers’ shitty vibes, so fine.

Molly says that all she wanted for her 16th birthday was a huge party and a band (you expected your parents to plan that for you in secret!?!?!?!?), and then Randy cuts in and they have an exchange more fucked up than anything I’ve ever heard Joe Rogan say (NOT THAT HE’S EXCUSED—SIT BACK DOWN, BUSTER):

Randy: “And a pink Trans Am in the driveway with a ribbon around it. And some incredibly gorgeous guy that you meet, like, in France. And you do it on a cloud without getting pregnant or herpes.”

Molly: “I don’t need the cloud.”

Randy: “Just the pink Trans Am and the guy, right?”

Molly: “Black one.”

Randy (shocked): “A black guy?”

Molly: “A black Trans Am. A pink guy.”

:------------------|

She really said “whites only” in a movie STILL casually referred to as a classic! Lest you thought Sixteen Candles’s problems began and ended with Long Duk Dong! No easy compartmentalization for you!

In independent study, Molly fills out an anonymous sex survey about whether she’s ever touched it. She writes that she wants to touch it with Jake Ryan, who is sitting right behind her and I must admit is wearing good boots. (Cannot BELIEVE Jake Ryan is such an enduring sex symbol, though—the most generic clip-art of a milkman!) When she’s done, she drops it on the floor behind her for Randy to pick up, but Randy is snoozin’! Jake Ryan picks it up instead! And he SAW that Molly was the one who filled it out about wanting to touch his Snake Ryan!

When Molly realizes that Randy doesn’t have the survey, she’s horrified: “I hope whoever picked up the note doesn’t know I wrote it. I’d shit twice and die.”

Well, maybe you should have tried AT ALL to make sure it got into Randy’s hand? You literally just tossed your deepest sex secret on the floor of a high school! Anyways, tell your toilet to buckle up!

In the gym, Jake Ryan and his friend Rock are doing fake chin-ups for reasons I can only assume are satanic, and Jake asks Rock what he thinks about Molly. They both agree that she is “not ugly” (awwww!), but, Rock points out, “It’s not ugly, it’s just void.” Hmm, so she’s not literally a mucus fish from the sea floor brought to the surface so fast its eyes turn inside-out—she just isn’t fuckable enough to be perceived (ah, the dream!). She’s nothing.

Okay, but counterpoint, says Jake: “It’s kind of cool the way she’s always looking at me.” (Maybe there IS a reason for her to exist!)

Rock: “Maybe she’s re****ed.”

I’m sorry. This movie is impossible to watch if you know ANYONE who is not a white, cishet, non-disabled person. If you can have a group of friends over and watch Sixteen Candles and it’s cool and no one’s feelings get hurt, you are a Nazi! And people are worried about CANCEL CULTURE!? One millisecond on Wikipedia tells me that Sixteen Candles “is ranked #8 on Entertainment Weekly’s list of The 50 Best High School Movies”! CURRENTLY! We haven’t even gotten to Long Duk Dong yet! You could edit him out entirely and this movie would still be sixteen different kinds of hate crime.

Jake: “She looks at me like she’s in love with me.”

Rock: “Jake, she’s a child.”

Jake: “So?”

Me: [opens red flag store to make massive profits selling all these flags]

Rock: “So, what are you gonna do with her? She’s obviously too young to party serious.”

(He means F.)

Maybe it’s boring/obvious to constantly point out which actors don’t convincingly look like they’re in high school, but come ON with this goombah!

That guy definitely owns a roofing company!

Just then, TITS!!!!!!!!!!!

Literally a timpani: “BOIOIOIOIOIOING”

Molly and Randy are in the gym locker room watching Caroline Mulford shower like creeps, obsessing over her perfect mulfords.

Molly: “I’m gonna kill myself.”

Wow, dark!

Now they have to ride the school bus with the nerds. You can tell Molly Ringwald is not pretty because she has a hat.

Randy: “I hope you get a car for your birthday. And a license.”

Molly: “Don’t hold your breath.”

DID YOU TAKE DRIVER’S ED? DID YOU ASK YOUR PARENTS TO TEACH YOU TO DRIVE? DID YOU FILL OUT THE PAPERWORK????

Anthony Michael Hall pops up and aggressively invades Molly’s personal space and sniffs her and asks if she’s going to the dance and says, “Am I turning you on?” so she calls him a homophobic slur unfortunately and gets off the bus. Then he SMELLS HER SEAT. Joan Cusack looks on.

Molly goes up to her room and accidentally sees her grandpa in his sock garters. Her grandparents are in town for the wedding and they’re stealing her room! On her birthday! She’s like, “Do I look any… older today?” and they do not take the hint, which is weird because they do seem really nice and they love her, so why DID they forget her birthday? But on the other hand JUST COMMUNICATE, RINGWALD!!!!!

Then she runs into her other grandpa, Fred, who tickles her INAPPROPRIATELY. Her grandma tells him to stop: “You’ll make her tinkle!”

DON’T TALK ABOUT MY TINKLE, GRANDMA. But just when you thought that was going to be the biggest violation in the scene, this happens:

Grandma: “Fred, she’s gotten her boobies.”

Grandpa Fred: “I’d better go and get my magnifying glass!” [Ed.: sick burn but I’m still going to have to arrest you]

Grandma: “Oh, and they are so perky!”

And then her grandma SQUEEZES HER BOOBIES NONCONSENSUALLY JUST LIKE HOW ANTHONY MICHAEL HALL WOULD LOVE TO DO.

“I guess white people do have problems too.” – Aham

Molly goes to hide from these perverts in Mike’s room and is like, “I can’t believe my grandmother actually felt me up,” and, truly, with all my heart, I cannot believe it either.

Then

Bad news

Terrible news

I am so sorry

But

It is happening now

“GONGGGGGGGGG.”

Long Duk Dong pops his head down from the top bunk and says one his many famous catchphrases: “What’s happenin’, hot stuff?”

I don’t know what I can add to the Long Duk Discourse that hasn’t been said many times, but yeah, this is extremely racist and bad. It was racist in 1984 and everyone knew it even if they pretended they didn’t. It’s racist now. One way you can tell it’s racist is that it’s racist, and another way you can tell is that racists love it. A third indicator is that Asian-American people have written at length about how racists have used this character to torture them for 40 years. A fourth clue is that they play the gong sound every time Long Duk Dong appears on screen AND any time anyone says his name. If you are still confused, are you sure you know what racism is? Do you think it is a type of soup?

Molly comes downstairs and says “There’s a very weird Chinese guy up in Mikey’s room,” and her mom explains that Long Duk Dong is an exchange student who’s living with Grandma and Grandpa Baker (the sock garter ones, not the boobies ones). 

Mike: “Yeah, well, he’s totally bizarre… I just hope you burn the sheets and mattresses after he leaves.”

That is… such a bad thing to say. Why say that? Why put that in the movie? Is that even funny? Was that even funny in the context of the time? Also, this is neither here nor there, but Long Duk Dong doesn’t actually seem that weird???? He seems very cool, curious, smart, and nice! Meanwhile Mikey over here is tracking his sister’s cycle and his other sister’s cup size like freaking Ted Bundy!

Mom asks Molly to help her grandparents cook dinner tonight and yet again Molly is enraged.

Mom: “Can you remember to turn off the stove in 20 minutes?”

Molly: “I can remember LOTS OF THINGS.”

OH MY GOD, JUST REMIND HER IT’S YOUR BIRTHDAY.

Mom leaves and Molly is like, “This is the single worst day of my entire life,” and Mike goes, “What are you bitching about? I’ve got to sleep under a Chinaman named after a duck’s dork.” Okay, just from a joke construction point of view, he’s not NAMED AFTER a duck’s dork. The whole (racist) point of the name Long Duk Dong is that the foreign (to white people) words sound like English slang for a duck’s dork. The (racist) humor comes from the (made up by a white person) name UNINTENTIONALLY sounding like a duck’s dork, thereby making a fool of the unsuspecting Long Duk Dong, so if Long Duk Dong’s parents intentionally NAMED HIM AFTER a duck’s dork that would UNDERCUT YOUR (RACIST) JOKE. Fuck you!

Then Mikey tells Molly that she has to sleep in “sofa city” because all the bedrooms are full of grandparents. Intriguing. What are the naturalization requirements for Sofa City? Do they have universal healthcare? Is it a climate refuge? Immigration attorneys pop off in comments—I’m looking for escape routes.

Molly goes to hang out with Ginny, hoping for some sisterly support, but Ginny only cares about her blonde hair and perky marriage-worthy naturals.

Ginny: “Do you think Grandpa Fred’s going to embarrass me?”

DEFINITELY!!!!!!!!!! He and his creep wife need to go to prison with Mikey!

Molly tells Ginny that she thinks she’s in love, but “I’m not sure he knows I exist.” And Ginny is like, “I really don’t have time for this”! What a bitch!

Ginny: “You’re really acting like an asshole. And I think I know what it is. I think you’re jealous that I’m getting married and that I’m getting all the attention.”

Okay this bitch has got to go. Molly, please estrange all these monsters! Move to a big city, wait tables, meet some people who aren’t white, become gay, rent a cheap 2-bedroom, then go back and rescue Long Duk Dong FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.

Downstairs, Long Duk Dong is absolutely baffled by quiche (they definitely have pastry and eggs and vegetables in China but k). He is using a knife and fork as chopsticks.³ Long Duk Dong says he loves pushing the lawnmower machine so that grandpa’s “hyena” doesn’t get disturbed. Mikey LOLs and is like “HERNIA,” like Long Duk Dong’s an idiot. HOW MANY LANGUAGES DO YOU SPEAK, MIKEY? I took Spanish for like 19 years and I couldn’t tell you the word for hyena OR hernia. Long Duk Dong is impressive as hell. I hope Mikey dies.

Grandpa Baker reveals that they mostly force Long Duk Dong to be their servant, which he loves. Grandma Baker invites Long Duk Dong to be Molly’s date to the dance that night. Molly is fucking livid. Hanging out with an Asian person? On her birthday??

I feel like I should stop calling the character “Molly,” since the character is extremely racist and I don’t particularly like her, while I genuinely love Molly Ringwald, who was 15 when this movie was shot. I shall from this point call the character Sam, which is her name.

We’re at the dance. Sorry to say Sam’s outfit is a miss.

The nerds are watching Sam with night-vision binoculars, calling her “fully aged sophomore meat.” Male nerds have always been toxic! Change my mind!

Jake Ryan is dancing with the girl with the tits. Sam stares at him and he looks back at her and smiles so oops she craps her pants. Then Anthony Michael Hall is there aggressively dancing at her and he GRABS HER BY THE NECK AND DOES A DOG NOISE IN HER EAR. Then he does the splits and farts. His friends are listening to the fart on the lav mic he has attached to his butthole, because that’s what nerds do. Sam runs away and cries in the hallway.

Anthony Michael Hall bets the nerds a dozen floppy disks that he can “get tit” from Sam. They say they want video as proof of tit. He says no and they settle on him stealing her underwear.

It’s funny because Joan Cusack has a disability and her friend is fat and they’re dancing together. It’s funny because Long Duk Dong is dancing with a tall lady. It’s funny because he’s Asian and she’s taller than him, which undermines both his masculinity and her femininity. This is comedy!

Jake Ryan asks Anthony Michael Hall about Sam because he saw them “dancing” “together.” AMH SAYS, “She has smallish tits, decent voice, smells pretty good, she drives me crazy.”

Just the constant evaluation. The CONSTANT EVALUATION! Being rated and inventoried and critiqued, and it NEVER STOPS! And they’re still doing it 40 years later!!!!!!! It’s big business—teaching boys to despise women and girls to despise themselves. Is it even different now!? SOFA CITY, HERE I COME.

Sam hears the popular girls talking about going to Jake’s parents’ house for a party (they have to specify his “parents’” house because he is obviously a 35-year-old man).

AMH finds Sam hiding in the auto shop, so he sneaks in to WATCH HER CRY and knocks over an extremely big shelf of hubcaps and stuff. Somebody has to clean that up, man!

Okay, I know that he did get to be a huge star, but Anthony Michael Hall should have been a way huger star. He’s so good, even with this curséd script!

The jarring thing about the offensive shit in Sixteen Candles is that you can feel a real deliberate, gleeful effort to hurt people. The bad parts don’t feel like mistakes or artifacts of their time—they feel ON PURPOSE. Your discomfort is coming from the intent as much as, if not more than, the content. It sucks! Especially because, as I’ve said, I think everyone in this movie is charming and talented and sometimes you can see a good, sweet movie peeking through the cracks.

She tells AMH that her whole family forgot her 16th birthday, so to make her feel better he confesses that he has never bagged a babe. He is not a stud. She laughs, so he takes that as a cue to sexually maul her. She says no thank you, he apologizes, she says it’s okay, so HE DOES IT AGAIN. And then she’s like, “You know, just now, I really felt how much you liked me,” and she means his erection and it’s supposed to be cute.

Then he asks AGAIN if he can have sex with her, but she says she can’t because she’s saving herself for Jake Ryan (say the real reason! You’re allowed to not like someone!). He says, oh! He just asked about you in the gym! You should definitely go for it! Which is kind of a cool solid, I guess. As a gesture of gratitude she allows him to borrow her panties for 10 minutes so he can trick the nerds into thinking he banged her. In what universe would any girl agree to that?? Especially in 1984, when there were even more extreme social consequences for being a slut than there are today? And today is STILL BAD??

Like I GUESS you could see it as a kind gesture through the NARROWEST POSSIBLE LENS, but please! STOP VALIDATING THIS BEHAVIOR. How about a boy learns a lesson one time? How about he pays for his misogyny in floppy disks ONE TIME?! I have carpal tunnel in my caps-lock finger and John Hughes’s estate will be hearing about it!

Back on the dance floor, Jake is being a fucking dickhead to Caroline (CLEARLY A REALTOR). She asks him why he’s being weird and he gaslights her, telling her not to have a cow (methane gaslighting!⁴). Sam practices how she’s going to talk to Jake, but when she’s face to face with him she just stands there with her mouth open like Don Knotts and then runs away, so Jake leaves with the boobs realtor.

All the geeks are crammed into the bathroom for the unveiling of the panties. Okay, so, again, now every geek in the school thinks that you FUCKED Anthony Michael Hall during the dance???? That seems like a big deal!

Long Duk Dong drives Sam and the tall girl home very dangerously while smoking two cigarettes.

Meanwhile, Sam’s parents are having dinner with their future in-laws, whom they call the “Rice Chex” because they can’t be bothered to learn a Polish last name (white on white racism! A rare vintage!). AT THE DINNER TABLE, Ginny’s fiance’s mom says, “Marrying this one means he’s out of the Girl of the Month Club, LOL!!!!” and the fiancé (John Kapelos! Wait till he gets to work tomorrow and finds all those hubcaps he has to clean up!) says, “Wait a minute, I can look, I just can’t touch! Ooh, sensitive, eh?” Ginny looks enraged and it’s like… has she never met him before??????? Then they all do shots. The Poles seem fun!

In the car, Sam is bitching again: “Donger’s here for five hours and he’s already got somebody.” Yeah, AGAIN, he is really nice and fun and not a horrendous downer. You should try it!

I think Sam gets dropped off at home and goes to sleep? I can’t remember and I didn’t write it down, but she does not go to the party with Long Duk Dong and his big girlfriend. Speaking of the party, these children have absolutely fucked the place up. Jake Ryan is extremely disappointed in them, which makes sense, because he is their dad.

The nerds show up, I’m not sure why. They’re afraid. One of them is John Cusack. I didn’t mention that before. AMH: “We’ve got $70 and we’ve got a pair of girl’s underpants. We’re as safe as kittens!”

Jake Ryan decides to bite the bullet and call Sam (she has her own phone line in her room? Rich!!!!), but he doesn’t know that it’s Grandma and Grandpa Baker asleep under her Stray Cats poster! He gets a savage roasting by Grandma Baker who tells him to go get his dinner from a garbage can.

Long Duk Dong and Marlene fuck on the exercise machine. Someone (ME) should rewrite this movie with the exact same plot but reframe literally everything. Because if it wasn’t presented as a joke this would actually be a very refreshing and healthy relationship! Libidinous yet respectful! Upending gendered expectations!

Caroline is wasted and asks Jakey if he stopped loving her, so he tells her to go away and slams her hair in the door and locks it leaving her trapped. Swoon!!!!! A bunch of drunk girls cut off Caroline’s hair to help her escape from the door and then they all have lesbian sex. (I wish! For them! Run, girls! Escape the nightmare of heterosexuality!!!)

Literally everything in Jake Ryan’s house is ruined, but counterpoint: fuck the rich. Indeed, he doesn’t even really seem to care that much!

Sam’s dad comes and wakes her up because couldn’t sleep. He was lying awake plagued with guilt because he remembered about her birthday! “I feel like a real jerk. We forgot your birthday.” IS THERE ANYTHING MORE SATISFYING THAN UNEQUIVOCAL ACCOUNTABILITY FROM SOMEONE WHO HURT YOUR FEELINGS!?!?

He asks her if something else is bothering her and if “it has to do with a certain guy?” She’s like HUH? How does he know about Jake Ryan’s crotch?!? But instead Dad is like, hey, I get it, “We’re all upset that Ginny’s marrying a bohunk.” (That’s a derogatory term for a central European laborer, in case you thought someone said something okay for once. JK, of course you didn’t.)

Sam explains that she is not upset about the bohunk, she’s upset about Jake Ryan.

Sam: “It just hurts.”

Dad: “That’s why they call them crushes.”

Honestly this is a really sweet scene. “Let’s ruin it!” – the movie

Jake and AMH are having a heart-to-heart after everyone at the party has either gone home or died. AMH gives Jake Sam’s panties and lets him know that Sam is most definitely in heat for him. Jake muses that Caroline is unconscious in his house and “I could violate her 10 different ways if I wanted to.”

There are some beautiful moments of human connection in this movie, and those moments are like a lil strawberry, and the movie is like “OK, we’ve taken eight strawberries and we’ve hidden them in the sewer, and you’ve got to crawl through the sewer to find the eight strawberries with your mouth. Good luck! Please give us an award!”

Jake implies that maybe Caroline would DESERVE a little violation because she pressured him to have a party and then her friends destroyed his stuff: “She’s totally insensitive. Look what she did to my house. She doesn’t know shit about love.”

Then, in exchange for Sam’s panties, Jake says he will “let” AMH “take [Caroline, a human being] home.” Oh man, can you believe that exchange rate? With inflation, these days you can only get 1/8 of an unconscious woman for 1 pair of panties! I miss Ronald Reagan!

AMH: “Jake, I’m only a freshman.” (Definitely the biggest problem here)

Jake: “She’s so blitzed she won’t know the difference.” (Hello, 911? Yes, I need an ogre to grind my bones for his soup, please hurry)

AMH carries Caroline’s limp body to the car—literal objectification!—and, sorry to bother you, sir, but I HOPE YOU ARE DRIVING HER TO THE HOSPITAL! Lmao, this 14-year-old was just drinking a martini and now Jake is letting him drive his dad’s Rolls Royce.

Caroline briefly wakes up, then passes out again, believing she is safe. Jake watches them drive away, and then Long Duk Dong says “Banzai” and jumps out of a tree, crushing him. Unfortunately, Jake survives. :(

Now Caroline is awake again and annoying the shit out of AMH. She says that birth control makes it possible for a girl to be “really super careless” (911, tell the ogre to hurry!!!! I am still horribly conscious!!!). Then he crashes the car into a garbage can so she gets horny and esses his dee(?). AMH addresses the camera: “This is getting good.”

My loves, it’s truly not.

AMH drives a blacked-out-again Caroline to the geeks’ house to prove that he fucked another one. He has them take a picture of him groping her unconscious body so that people will “believe him” (instead, wouldn’t you want to HIDE your CRIME!?), but they fuck it up. Now no one will ever know (wouldn’t matter in court anyway! He seems like a fine boy with a promising future!).

It’s the next morning, and Grandpa Fred blew up the bathroom. Mom apologizes for forgetting Sam’s birthday and CRIES (grind that vindication into a powder and I will snort it). Randy calls Sam and tells her “Last night at the dance my little brother paid a buck to see your underwear” and I’m sorry, but it’s not victim-blaming when YOU LITERALLY CHOSE TO DO IT.

They’re leaving for the wedding when they notice Long Duk Dong passed out on the lawn.

Fred: “Hey, Howard, there’s your Chinaman!”

Fred, could you please fuck off??

Long Duk Dong says he drove Grandpa Baker’s car into a big lake, so Grandma Baker calls him a scuzzbag and kicks him in the stomach. It is very upsetting.

Okay, I know it’s not cool to name-drop, but I can’t believe Sam never once mentioned that ZELDA RUBENSTEIN was going to be at her sister’s wedding! OMG, how do you know her!?!?!?

AMH and Caroline wake up in the convertible and deliver a simple joke that genuinely made me laugh:

Caroline: “You’re in the parking lot across the street from my church.”

AMH: “You own a church?”

But don’t get too excited! Here comes one of the darkest moments in the history of film. AMH asks Caroline if they had sex while she was blacked out and she says she’s pretty sure they did. Then he asks if she enjoyed it and she says, “I have this weird feeling I did.” THAT HAS NEVER HAPPENED TO ANY WOMAN. I AM SAD AND UNHAPPY.

Ginny took too many muscle relaxants because she’s nervous about marrying the oily bohunk so now she can’t put on her shoes.

Jake goes to Sam’s house but only Long Duk Dong is there. LDD can’t tell white people apart (GOOD) and doesn’t know the difference between Sam and Ginny, so he tells Jake that “She at the church. She getting married to oily bohunk.”

Jake is like whaaaaaaaaat!??!!?!?!??!

Back at the wedding, Brian Doyle Murray is the minister. Brian Doyle Murray: 50+ Years of Always Poppin’ Up, and That’s the Brian Doyle Murray Guarantee. The groom’s side is 100% oily bohunks (indicator is that they’re fat and trashy), and Ginny is completely wasted so on her way up the aisle she messes with every oily bohunk in the place. Glad they squozed some classism in right at the end.

Outside the church, Caroline says she loved waking up in AMH’s arms AND THEY KISS. NO SIR. Then Jake drives up and apologizes to Caroline for “getting her mixed up with that guy.” She says it’s okay. “It wasn’t too terrible” when you sold me for another girl’s panties and sent me off to be sexually assaulted. They break up amicably.

Now the wedding is over. Ginny, still absolutely toasted, takes off her petticoat and shows everyone her ass. Who’s the oily bohunk now???? Sam runs back into the church to say goodbye to Zelda Rubenstein (NOOOOOOO!), then turns to go bid Ginny an oily farewell… But then she looks up and there’s Jake Ryan in his sweater vest!

Jake Ryan’s hair—can we talk about it? It’s the hair that’s popular now! It’s that fucking TikTok hamburger hair!

They go outside and she gets in Jake’s car and her dad watches Jake’s butt as he walks away and is like niiiiiiice.

Sam: “Thanks for getting my undies back.”

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME????? He didn’t “get them back,” he traded them for a human woman! A woman got raped so you could have those panties!!!

Then it’s the famous part where they kiss over the birthday cake. I hope they both catch on fire.

1. plz don’t fact-check

2. Also, big boobs don’t = love! There are plenty of people with huge boobs that everyone hates! Have you seen the cans on Gordon Ramsay?

3. Fucking white people’s inferiority complex about chopsticks, man. You’ve been doing this bit for 100 years! Just learn to use them! Take ten minutes! A baby can do it! Quit making a whole production where you pretend like chopsticks are sooooo primitive and stupid and not extremely useful and sophisticated precision tools that are blatantly better than a fork for lots of stuff just because you’re insecure about not being able to pick up a gyoza! Learn one thing in your miserable life!

4. plz don’t unfollow