Butt News Movie Club #18: The Fellowship of the Ring, Part 1

There's No Way a Round Door Is the Best Design

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As always, if you have suggestions for future movies, put them in the comments HERE.

Also, I took a break but I’m BACK ON CAMEO! Just in time for the holidays! Or whatever you want! You should book me! Seriously I’m very good at it and all my videos are way longer than they should be because I cannot shut up. If you booked one and I missed it, please rebook!]

I’m going to tell you the #1 worst thing about Lord of the Rings right now: WHY IS MORDOR A PERFECT RECTANGLE? I have been mad about this since I got c-sectioned out of my mom! You’re telling me John Ronald Reuel Tolkien spent 60+ years minutely crafting his legendarium with HAUNTING GRAVITAS but when the map maker was like, “Hey, Jer, what shape should I make Mordor?” he was like, “I don’t give a fuck!!!!! How about the Ephel Dúath looks like this [gives middle fingers] and the Ered Lithui is shaped like your mother!!?” So she was like ooooookay and just made it the shape of a 1997 HP LaserJet and called it a day!? And now Sauron’s dog bed is CANON!? OUTRAGEOUS. And don’t even try and blame this on Eru Ilúvatar, JER-BEAR!!!!!!!! You know what you did!

Anyways, in the Fellowship of the Ring movie (regular-length edition, sorry), which as far as I can tell does NOTHING to correct the SMP (Square Mordor Problem), we open with Galadriel reminiscing about that time when she and her clique forged the Great Rings, and btw real quick I want to say that I like that Rings of Power show! Sue me!!! Some parts are better than others but I DON’T think it’s bad, I think it’s fun, and it captures some kind of vibe from the books that Peter Jackson didn’t—it’s big and spooky AND small and silly. (PS I also like the Wheel of Time show and I need all of you to get off your assholes and start watching so they make all 14 seasons for me. PLEASE!? I gotta see my boys in the Tower of Ghenjei! Don’t make me look at you with my smile not touching my eyes!)

Okay, so, three to the elves, seven to the dwarf lords in their halls of stone, and nine to the race of men “who above all else desire power”—wow, okay, drag us, queen. But if men suck so bad, why do they get NINE?? Weren’t you the one handing these things out? I get that it’s probably quality over quantity, and I know from talking to my Tolkien friend Tyler that Celebrimbor TOXICALLY made the elf rings extra strong behind Sauron’s back, but NINE still seems like quite a few for Middle Earth’s biggest alpha losers??

Unfortunately, SOMEBODY (not naming names, but Ark-day Ord-lay Auron-say) went and made a secret master ring, and, bad news, into it he poured his cruelty, his malice, and his will to dominate all life. I hate Mondays!!

Q: If someone can make one ring to rule them all, can’t you just make another ring that rules that ring? Work smart not hard! (Tyler, scoffing: “Saruman literally tried that.”)

Since I watched Rings of Power and then Fellowship right in a row, and also Googled many things such as “do orcs go to the bathroom,” my algorithm is now FUCKED (all I get are sponsored posts from Quora/Reddit that are like “Did Gandalf not really like Bilbo for some reason?” or “Gollum was a rock until he couldn't take it any more”), which is how I know that nerds are extremely PO’d about PJ turning Sauron into a big disembodied eyeball Times Square billboard (fun fact: Barad-dûr also has a Guy Fieri’s American Flavortown Kitchen). In the books, the nerds say, Sauron was not a disembodied eyeball on top of a building, he was a fully corporeal hottie with a naughty body! He just didn’t like going outside because he wasn’t a warrior, he was the MASTER OF LIES, and ever since Covid he just got accustomed to mastering lies bottomless over Zoom, okay?

But the nerds also don’t like the part at the beginning of the movie when Isildur fights Sauronnifer’s Body in his big metal suit made of knives during the Last Alliance of Elves and Men, because if we’re staying true to character Sauron should have been lurking in a moist cleft whispering wheedly teedly secrets to all his baby Orcies OVER ZOOM, not out on the mainstage bashing man domes with his big boy bat! Who does Peter Jackson think Sauron is!? Morgoth!?!?!? Hahahahahahaahahahahaahaha. When I say “the nerds,” I am not including myself. I AM COOL!

But anyway, speaking of Sauron’s absolutely NON-CANON cast iron zoot suit: First of all, ‘Ron, that big suit must be so heavy! Are you okay? You should really unionize with yourself to get better working conditions for yourself from yourself. Second of all, are we sure it makes the most sense to put the One Ring, the source of literally all your power that everyone else in the world has united to steal from you, on OVER your suit of armor? Can we circle back and workshop that with the team before the Elves and Men get here? There’s a reason why, for example, banks don’t take all the money people deposit and Elmer’s it to the outside of the building. Thirds of all, is it true you forged this evil metal suit and then you put those little curlicues on the fingies? Metrosexual if I do say so myself!

Isildur (BOOOOOOOOOOO) cuts the ring off Sauron’s finger causing Sauron to implode in one big reverse fart and lose the war. Now Isildur has “this one chance to destroy evil forever” but, being a human man, he is genetically a disappointment, so he keeps it and then immediately LOSES IT (Mrs. Isildur should have put a little dish next to the front door like I did for my husband’s keys!). Sauron is technically “defeated,” but not forever, much like how—no matter how much you accomplish—you are never really finished cleaning your house or selling your labor to the Dark Lord Capital until you die.

Orcs kill IsilDUD and throw him into the river and the ring sinks and even though it’s all-powerful and can corrupt the minds of men and wield entire armies, it is easily hidden by some seaweed for 2.5 thousand years. (Oh, also Tyler told me that one of the ring’s secret powers that they don’t talk about is that it’s actually impossible to throw it away! It can only be lost or destroyed by accident. Like even Elrond couldn’t have done it! Does that make you hate Isildur less? NOT ME.)

A casual 2.5 thousand years later, Smeagol and his cousin/bestie Deagol are birthday-horsing in the river one day and Deagol finds the ring in the mud and Smeagol straight-up MURDERS HIM, which seems like an abrupt escalation?? Like, we see hella other people interact with the ring for the subsequent 19 hours of this trilogy and nobody commits instantaneous homicide. Gimli isn’t like “eat shit Frodo!!!! [skull cleave]”. But sure! I like it! Let’s definitely try and make Gollum a sympathetic character later!

Smeagol creeps into the Misty Mountains where he and the ring become Gollum and Precious and have a whole Lizzie Bennet/Mr. Darcy will-they-or-won’t-they thing for the next 500 years. Until SHIRE BAGGINS shows up and steals Mr. Darcy away just like that horrid freckled Mary King!!!!!!

Now we’re finally in the Shire, and “the time will soon come when hobbits will shape the fortunes of all.” Are we sure we like that? Should we have some breakout sessions and circle back? Because no offense but these guys seem mostly concerned with pot pies.

Frodo is chillin’ under a tree reading a book. Is there a hobbit publishing industry? Or is he literally reading, like, Fatty Bolger’s handwritten novel?

Gandalf comes up the road in his dusty rusty wiz-wagon to set off fireworks at Bilbo’s eleventy-first bday party. MFW I realize Gandalf is coming:

Frodo tells Gandalf he’s late, and Gandalf says, “A wizard is never late, Frodo Baggins. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to,” and they both CRACK UP like that’s the funniest shit they’ve ever heard. These are the exact kind of guys who say “all my friends tell me I should be a comedian” and then absolutely ruin your life at open mic night.

Gandalf goes to visit Bilbo, who almost pancakes Gandalf’s melon with his Bilbo stick because he mistakes him for a Sackville-Baggins. Gandalf looks at Bilbo’s face and is like hmmm 111 is very old but you don’t look as crusty as I would expect. Hey! This bitch stole my Real Housewives of Bree tagline!

Bilbo says he just wants to see mountains and go finish his book somewhere. SAME, MAN. Bilbo says he’s getting old even though he doesn’t look it (well, you do look kind of old!), and that he feels “sort of stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread” (when a guy thinks there’s such thing as “too much bread”? that’s a dealbreaker, ladies!). Gandalf is starting to sniff something suspicious, like rancid butter scraped over a sufficient amount of bread. They smoke weed and Bilbo brags, “This will be a night to remember,” about his own party.

The party is on. Sam is horny for Rosie Cotton, so Frodo encourages him to go ask her to dance. Sam: “Uhhhhhh I can’t really stand up right now.”

Gandalf does his magic fireworks, and I know this is the classic Hard Fantasy complaint about LOTR, and I’m certainly no Branderson Sanderson purist over here (or am I??), but WHAT ARE GANDALF’S POWERS!? What that staff do, Gandalf!?

Bilbo tells the story of the Hobbit to some kids, and does he not have trauma from that whole thing? The book is not like the PJ Hobbit movies, which are a war crime—it is sad as hell! I have trauma from Thorin Oakenshield and the Battle of the Five Armies and I wasn’t even there! (I would have been really brave, though.)

Merry and Pippin sneak into the fireworks wagon to steal “the big one.” Why would you do that? That’s not cute! It’s giving Cole from Love is Blind energy. Then they light it inside a tent. Are you guys stupid??

The big one turns into a dragon and traumatizes everyone, PRESUMABLY ESPECIALLY BILBO WHO DEFINITELY HAS DRAGON-SPECIFIC PTSD.

Bilbo recovers from his panic attack and gives his birthday speech and then slips the ring on and disappears and everyone is like WHAT THE HECK? But Gandalf thinks to himself huh wow I think Bilbo Baggins might have Sauron’s ring of power. Wow. Huh. I’m sorry. Does Bilbo Baggins have Sauron’s One Ring to Rule Them All????? Is anyone else seeing this right now?? Looks into camera like Jim.

I really wish we got a little more of Gandalf’s inner monologue here!

Bilbo tries to sneak away on his adventure but G-dalf catches him and scolds him. Dalf is like, “What about this ring of yours, is that staying too?” and Bilbo’s like shyeah it’s in an envelope on the mantelpiece… oh wait, no, it’s HERE IN MY POCKET. Gandalf’s like dude u can NOT have that anymore. And Bilbo FLIPS OUT and calls it “my precious”!!! RED! FLAG!!!!!

There’s no way a round door is the best design. What if you have to wheel a dolly of Coke Zeroes in after a Costco run!?

Then Bilbo goes to walk out the door with the ring still in his pocket AGAIN, but Gandalf catches him like Cole noticing how many Cuties Zanab had today.

Bilbo: “I thought of an ending to my book: And he lived happily ever after until the end of his days.”

Real original. You’ve been trying to think of an ending for how long? And that’s what you came up with? Also, didn’t you just say you’re going on a writing retreat at Rivendell to finish your book? But you just finished it? Do you have someone you need to do rewrites for? Is Glorfindel your editor??

Bilbo leaves and Gandalf goes back to check out the ring but he can’t touch it without getting brain zaps of Sauron’s butt. Frodo comes looking for Bilbo and picks up the ring where Bilbo dropped it. Gandalf’s like, “He’s gone to stay with the elves. He’s left you Bag End, along with all his possessions. The ring is yours now. Put it somewhere out of sight.” HOW IS THIS THE BEST PLAN? Also, how about some bedside manner, guy? This is basically Frodo’s only parental figure who just snuck away to die without even saying adios!

Then Gandalf says he has to go seek the answers to some questions, but Frodo should “Keep it secret. Keep it safe.” GIVE HIM MORE INFORMATION! YOU CAN’T JUST SAY KEEP IT SECRET KEEP IT SAFE.

Meanwhile at Barad-Dur, Sauron is torturing Gollum for info on where he put the ring, like me every morning when my husband loses his keys!!!!!!

Finally Gollum’s like “Shire! Baggins!” and Sauron cums out of Mt Doom.

So, do the orcs, like, have apartments?? At Barad-dûr? Is there an office? How do you disseminate information among the ranks? Who organizes supply lines? This is one thing I appreciate about Star Wars. The logistics are clear! You just know there are cubicles on the Death Star—they don’t even have to show you!

We know the orcs aren’t animals, because they wear clothes, so that means FOR SURE there has to be an uptight orc somewhere with a clipboard organizing this massive operation. Do orcs have friends? Do they love each other? Are there girl orcs? Do they have babies? Is there orc prom? Do sometimes one orc like another orc but they’re both too nervous to say anything and they go their whole lives having these feelings for each other and never saying it out loud? We know they have a concept of a “menu,” so do they have restaurants? They eat, so do they poop? Do they wipe their butts? Do they manufacture toilet paper? Do they have bathrooms? If not, does Sauron—WHO IS LITERALLY A SHINING MAGIC GOD FROM HEAVEN—live a stinky life in one big open sewer? And he’s just fine with that??

Gandalf goes to the Gondorian archives to read ancient papers—HEY MAYBE YOU SHOULDN’T SMOKE IN THERE—about Isildur’s finding of the ring of power in 3434 of the 2nd Age. He finds out that the writing on the ring shows up when you throw it in a fire, which seems like something he shouldn’t have had to look up? This is the ONE scariest item in history that everyone knows is missing. You haven’t read its Gondorpedia page before now? Why did I have to learn everything about, like, Spartan phalanxes in 6th grade and you—the guy who’s taken it upon himself to protect Middle Earth—don’t know this basic thing about the ring? It’s not like I was even in charge of protecting Washington Middle School from the Spartans!!

A ringwraith shows up in the Shire looking for Shire Baggins and Old Farmer Maggot (NARC!) is like, “There’s no Bagginses around here. They’re up in Hobbiton!” AFAC (All Farmers Are Cops)!

Frodo comes home and there’s someone in the house and obviously you think it’s a ringwraith but it’s only Gandalf who can’t WAIT to say his catchphrase again: “Is it secret? Is it safe?” Probably neither, man! You left it with a tiny kid in a town that uses pieces of yarn for locks!

He throws the ring in the fire, waits till it’s white-hot, and then drops it in Frodo’s hand—“it’s quite cool”—oh okay I’ll just believe you then. Then they wait for words to show up, like it’s a Covid test. The ring was actually made by BinaxNow. At first there are no words on it and Gandalf is like PHEW but then Bilbo is like, “Wait. There are markings. It’s some form of elvish. I can’t read it.”

Then Gandalf is like FUCKING HELL and he goes, “There are few who can. The language is that of Mordor, which I will not utter here.”

Mordor has a written language? Jesus Christ!!! Can orcs read and write?? Because I’m starting to think that maybe we should not massacre them! Are there orc schools? Are there orc bands? I know at least some of them can play the drums!

Gandalf explains to Frodo that this is the One Ring of Sauron and Frodo takes this remarkably in stride. Literally at no point is Frodo like WHYYYYYYYY DID YOU LEAVE THAT AT MY HOUSE!?!?!?

Gandalf’s like, yeah, soooooooo, this is awkward, SHEESH, I didn’t expect to be this nervous!! lol but basically the ring has awoken and it’s heard its master’s call? And, uh, it’s not IDEAL, but Sauron, um, kind of, um, needs only this ring to, um… kind of…….. cover all the lands in a second darkness. Phew! It’s good to get that off my chest! Oh, one more thing, Gollum kind of told Sauron that the ring is with Shire Baggins. Are you mad at me?

And Frodo is like COME AGAIN!?!?!?

(I MADE THAT.)

Gandalf tells Frodo that Sauron “must never find it” like that’s somehow FRODO’S PROBLEM. So Frodo tells Gandalf—LITERALLY A MAGIC STAR WHO FELL FROM HEAVEN—that he should take the ring and Gandalf is like don’t threaten me with a good time, Frodo!!!!!!!!! Gandalf explains that he would use the ring with a desire to do good, but through him it would wield a power too great and terrible to imagine. That’s like me with a tub of French’s Crispy Fried Onions. We all know those aren’t making it to the green bean casserole!

Here's a real, good-faith question from me: Why didn’t Gandalf just have Bilbo take the One Ring with him to Rivendell? If he wasn’t sure it was the One Ring, then what was the risk? His ‘stincts just told him he needed to get it away from Bilbo THAT SECOND? Because this 60-year delay ends up being a real freaking bitch!

Gandalf says he’s gotta go see Saruman because “He is both wise and powerful. Trust me Frodo, he’ll know what to do.” And Frodo says that he’ll get the ring out of the Shire. How could this possibly be safe for Frodo, who has never toddled further than the Little Free Library????? If the fucking RINGWRAITHS ARE LOOKING FOR SHIRE BAGGINS?

Gandalf catches Samwise Gamgee eavesdropping under the window, so as punishment he makes Sam go with Frodo to certain death. A proportionate response to eavesdropping for sure! ‘Dalf tells Frode to never ever put on the ring “or the agents of the Dark Lord will be drawn to its power,” and then he fucking leaves!!!!!!!!! Frodo does not follow that rule AT ALL.

This is a really good movie, though!

Gandalf rides to Saruman’s house, and can you believe this bitch!? I get that Saruman is “the head of my order,” but they’re basically peers, right? Isn’t that just kind of a bureaucratic title? Saruman runs the meetings, Radagast brings vegan snacks, Gandalf takes the minutes, etc. So why does Gandalf have to BOW TO SARUMAN? That’s like if, when I was still writing op-eds at the New York Times, they made me bow to David Brooks every time I came into the office. Which I DO, but not because they make me! It’s because of a sexual thing. (JUST KIDDING! LINDY, JUST BECAUSE THE JOKE PRESENTS ITSELF DOESN’T MEAN YOU HAVE TO TAKE IT!)

Gandalf is like yeah very sorry I didn’t notice that Bilbo Baggins had the ONE RING OF POWER for the last 60 years I’ve been hanging with him, but I think there’s still time to fix this. Then Saruman has the gall to accuse Gandalf of having a drug problem and being high on wacky cigarettes!

Oh, BTW, Saruman adds, Sauron is a great lidless eye now. I saw it when I was uploading my latest OnlyFans set to the palantír. But no big!

YES BIG, says Gandalf! The palantírs are hella dangerous, bro! “They are not all accounted for, the lost seeing stones! We do not know who else may be watching!” Saruman says THAT’S WHAT I’M INTO, MY MAN! He tells G that the nine riders have left Minas Morghul, they’re on their way to the Shire where “they will find the ring and kill the one who carries it.” Gandalf is like hmm seems I may have fucked up yet again.

 YEAH YOU PROBABLY SHOULDN’T HAVE LEFT SAURON’S RING WITH THOSE KIDS.

Gandalf says wow I cannot take ANY MORE SURPRISES right now, but THEN Saruman is like ALSO I THINK WE SHOULD JOIN WITH SAURON AND TEE HEE I KIND OF ALREADY DID!!!!!!!! Gandalf is getting too old for this shit!

Then they have a very funny wizard fight and Saruman puts Gandalf on the roof. Why does Orthanc have to be this tall? What is the tower FOR? What’s in it? Bedrooms?

Sam and Frodo run into Merry and Pippin who’ve been stealing Father Maggot’s crops (praxis). They run away from Maggot and fall off a cliff and they’re almost dead but then they see mushrooms so they instantly heal. Merry and Pippin are food-motivated. Frodo tells them all to get off the road just in time before a Ringwraith comes around the corner like five seconds later. It would definitely have seen you for sure, though!

What’s the deal with the ringwraiths’ horses? Are they totally self-aware evil fascist horses with bad attitudes? Where were they on Jan 6? I hope they’re evil, because if these are just regular horses carrying demons around till their hooves bleed I am OUT. I heard a statistic the other day about horses in World War I, and I’m not going to tell it to you because this is a fun family newsletter (except for some light David Brooks erotica), but let’s just say I cannot take any more bad horse news.

The ringwraith gets real close to them like sniff sniff sniff and Frodo gets this look on his face like someone (DB) just turned his remote control anal beads up to 11.

He ALMOST puts the ring on but Sam restrains him and then Pippin distracts the ringwraith by THROWING A CABBAGE. (That’s also how I get away from David Brooks when it’s time to go home!) Respectfully, I feel like the cabbage trick would work for… five seconds?????? Maybe longer if the ringwraith was a Took or a Brandybuck or a Bracegirdle or a Bolger, but I’m pretty sure he’s a desiccated Númenórean king who doesn’t even like cabbage.

They escape, briefly, and Frodo explains to Merry and Pippin that he has to get out of the Shire. They start to run away but then there’s a ringwraith RIGHT THERE! Of course! Oops, well, okay, you guys are dead!

These little pocket pals loaded with cabbages proceed to RUN AWAY on their 8-inch legs while a MAGIC GUY ON A HORSE CHASES THEM AT A GALLOP, but sure. They get to Buckleberry Ferry and Frodo almost doesn’t make it but jumps at the last second. This guy on a horse can’t jump two feet so they win. Now the wraiths have to go 20 miles around to the nearest bridge! Pwned!

The hobbits get to Bree and it’s like Times Square to them. They go to the Prancing Pony and of course they CANNOT JUST LAY LOW because Merry and Pippin are TOO HUNGRY! Frodo calls himself Mr. Underhill and asks the innkeeper if Gandalf is there and the innkeeper is like, “haven’t seen him for 6 months!” Shitfuck!

A check-in: Are we STILL sure hobbits are the best people for this job? I understand they’re, like, HUMBLE so they aren’t as tempted by the ring, but, counterpoint, they are incredibly bumbling! Pippin doxxes Frodo and tells everyone that he’s a Baggins and not an Underhill, so Frodo tackles him and falls down and the ring flies in the air and falls on to Frodo’s dingaling. All the ringwraiths are like skrrt! “I see you!” says Sauron, impishly.

Frodo takes the ring off and Strider, who has been watching them from the corner, hotly, drags him upstairs. “That is no trinket you carry,” says Strider. HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?

Strider: “Are you frightened?”

Frodo: “Yes”

Strider: “Not nearly frightened enough.”

WELL THAN WHY DID YOU ASK THE QUESTION? That’s like when my mom asks if I want to give away my old badminton net but the only answer she wants is yes!

The guard at the gates of Bree hears a clatter and peeps out the peepeehole and dang! It’s the black riders! They break down the door and squish the hell out of him!

And it’s our first ever Butt News TO BE CONTINUED…

[Housekeeping: I’m doing a little experiment with this as a treat for my paid subscribers. If you are a paid Butt News member, you’ll be able to access Part 2 of my Fellowship of the Ring recap EARLY, aka RIGHT NOW. If you’re an unpaid subscriber, I will be sending out Part 2 and removing the paywall next week! I love you!]