Butt News Movie Club #13: Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves

Folk Hero? More Like a Folk Zero!

[Guess what? TODAY IS MY 40TH BIRTHDAY! I was born on March 9, 1982 by emergency c-section because my mom’s doctor thought that my head was my butt, something that still happens to me all the time. I am extremely excited to be 40. Honestly, it feels distinguished! My 30s were so much better than my 20s that I can only conclude that my 40s are going to rock very hard. IF YOU WANT TO GET ME SOMETHING FOR MY BIRTHDAY, MY ONLY BIRTHDAY WISH IS THAT YOU SUBSCRIBE TO BUTT NEWS USING MONEY! Especially if you are rich and/or a sheriff! Redistribute that wealth!

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I was a big Robin Hood head as a kid—the Disney one, Prince of Thieves, Men in Tights, the time Q sends them all to Sherwood Forest on TNG to teach Picard a lesson about ?????, AND MOST IMPORTANTLY Conquests of the Longbow: The Legend of Robin Hood (who here would subscribe to a special supplemental Butt News where I recap Sierra games?).

I was into Robin Hood because it featured almost all of the things I liked:

a) forests

b) longbows

c) castles

d) green hat

e) fat monk

f) socialism

I also remember being confused by everyone saying Prince of Thieves was terrible and boring because g) who cares about accents not me, and h) IT HAD TREEHOUSE. Anyway, you know what’s coming, they were right. Me, I care about accents. Treehouse still good, though.

Also, upon re-watching, is this even that socialist? Kevin Costner’s Robin Hood isn’t stealing from regular rich people trundling along in their pumpkin coaches to go buy slaves, he’s stealing from the TAX COLLECTOR KING BIG GOVERNMENT. Which is confusing, because obviously a king is bad, and ACAB, I guess he’s technically defunding the police, but also Robin of Locksley is bad! And the Locksley family in general is bad! A “prince of thieves” is still a PRINCE. Oh, good thing we have this freaking aristocrat to come in and show the poor people how to do revolution (i.e. by stealing a bunch of jewels and hiding them in your treehouse, just like Malcolm X said). Like, I’m sure the Nottingham tax code was not doing a TON for the people in 1194 AD, but is that really going to be the takeaway for a general modern audience? Or are they going to be like YEAH TAXATION IS THEFT AND LEECHING MONEY AWAY FROM EDUCATION AND SOCIAL SERVICES VIA MY CAIMAN ISLANDS TAX SHELTER MAKES ME LITERALLY ROBIN HOOD. What I’m saying is, can we have a Robin Hood reboot that isn’t secretly libertarian? And can I write it? I will not just keep but EXPAND the treehouse angle, and that’s the Lindy West guarantee!

We open with ten minutes of tapestry and exposition.

“800 years ago Richard the Lionheart led the 3rd great crusade to reclaim the Holy Land from the Turks.”

Okay, right off the bat, don’t do that!

“Most of the young English noblemen who flocked to his banner never returned home.”

GOOD!

In a dungeon in Jerusalem, they’re cutting off a guy’s arm for stealing some bread so Kevin Costner, hero, is like, “I took the bread.” That’s the line, and that’s the delivery. Wow, this is already so bad! But then right when the guy is about to chop off Costner’s hand with his curvy sword (you can always tell when a guy in a 90s movie is bad because he’ll have a curvy sword), Costner sneakily pulls on this leather hand-strap so the hand-cecutioner gets chopped instead! Then he throws the other guy into the hot coals! You’re shawarma now!

Kevin Costner frees his friend and LEAVES EVERYBODY ELSE CHAINED UP and they’re about to head out when Morgan Freeman is like “hey Christian I would like to be set free as well.” Costner’s friend, a racist, is like “don’t free him, he’s a MOOR who probably has a CURVY SWORD” (he does), but Morgan Freeman says he knows a secret way out of the dungeon so Costner brings him along. OUT OF PURE SELF-INTEREST ONLY. DUDE!!!!! SAVE THE ENTIRE DUNGEON! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!!?!? Aren’t you supposed to be a folk hero? More like a folk zero!

Morgan Freeman, whose name is Azeem btw, continues to call Kevin Costner “Christian” throughout this whole movie—that is the nickname he came up with—and it’s so irritating! You can’t nickname someone in the Crusades “Christian”! Too vague!!! It’s like nicknaming the Mandalorian “Mando”! IT DOES THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT A NAME IS SUPPOSED TO DO.

They climb out of a manhole (they had those?) but then the racist friend immediately gets shot with an arrow. GOOD. As he’s dying, he tells Kevin Costner to take this ring to his sister Marian and then, oh, btw, just protect her for the rest of her life.

Oh, you want me to do you a life-long favor???? KC doesn’t need that on his plate!

Didn’t you just ask me to NOT save that black guy’s life? I’m starting to think you’re the type of person I shouldn’t do a lifelong favor for, “Peter Dubois”!

Then he’s like, “Tell my sister I died a free Englishman.” But, I mean, not really. Does it count as freedom if you die 6 inches out the manhole??

Costner and Freeman hide in an alley and share a juicy melon, and Freeman is like “thx 4 saving me” and Costner goes, “No man deserves to die in there.” DUDE YOU LEFT LIKE 8 OTHER GUYS IN THERE.

Freeman says that because KC saved his life now he needs to hang out with KC until he can return the favor. (KC is juggling juicy melons this whole time, just so you know.) KC is like that’s cool you can come to England w me I’m hella rich. MF is like great.

Cut to Locksley Castle, where Big Locksley is firing off letters trying to figure out what happened to his shitty son in the Crusades. He gazes up at an oil painting of Kevin Costner on the wall (SOMEONE GO BACK IN TIME AND BUY ME THIS AT THE PROP AUCTION) and just then a bleeding guy comes running in and says that some men kidnapped his daughter and he needs help. Big Locksley grabs his STRAIGHT-LINE SWORD (Christian) and runs outside, only to find the Medieval Klan led by the Sheriff of Nottingham (OMG, just like the real Klan!). It was a trap! His loyal manservant Duncan is like bitch I told u so, smh.

Big Locksley just sits there on his horse while they slowly surround him, and I’m no military tactician, but HEY MAN

IDEA

JUST GO BACK INSIDE AND REGROUP

YOU LITERALLY HAVE A FORTIFIED CASTLE RIGHT THERE

YOU ARE STILL IN THE DOORWAY OF IT

BACK UP 2 FEET AND SHUT THE DOOR

But instead he, like, charges forward to fight 20 guys all by himself? Why?? This is the problem with Russell Westbrook, man! Maybe when you were young you could just charge in there, but…!!!

KC and MF arrive in England on a small boat, and, respectfully, where did you get that. You found a Dick’s Sporting Goods and paddled a canoe there all the way from Jerusalem? Kevin Costner looks really really bad.

He asks Morgan Freeman why he’s walking several paces behind him and MF is like, well, I am an infidel, so “it seems safer to appear as your slave rather than your equal.” And Robin Hood, beloved freedom fighter, is like GREAT IDEA I LOVE IT, PRETEND TO BE MY SLAVE, THIS IS A COOL DETAIL THAT THE MOVIE DEFINITELY COULD NOT HAVE FUNCTIONED WITHOUT.

Then he tells Morgan Freeman “boy oh boy can’t wait for you to meet my dad” and the audience is like yeeeee-ikes.

Robin Hood finds some mistletoe on a tree and is like oh sweet I’m horny as hell: “Many a maid’s lost her resolve to me thanks to this little plant!” and then Morgan Freeman goes, “In my country we talk to our women, we do not drug them with plants,” and ROBIN HOOD, BELOVED CHILDREN’S STORYBOOK HERO, is like LOL ADELE DAZEEM YOU’RE SO WEIRD.

They save a little kid from getting murdered by Guy of Gisborne and some of the Sheriff’s men. Guy says this kid killed one of the sheriff’s deer and they’re in charge here because this is the sheriff’s land. But then Costner is like NOPE THIS IS MY LAND, I’M ROBIN OF LOCKSLEY BITCH!!!!!!!!! and he fights all of the guys at once and they run away, and Guy of Gisborne says “I don’t think my cousin, the inventor of Toaster Strudel Sheriff of Nottingham, is going to be very happy to hear about this!!!!!!”

Costner asks the kid, “Is it true, boy? Did you kill a deer?” and the boy goes “Hundreds of ‘em! YOLO!” and runs away.

Then Morgan Freeman is like, “Interesting place, this [HUMONGOUS AIR QUOTES] ENGLAND,” as though he’s never heard of England before? But aren’t you SPEAKING ENGLISH? Who taught it to you!?!?!?!? Also, if you made the artistic choice that Kevin Costner doesn’t have to do an accent, then why does Morgan Freeman have to talk like Anna Delvey?

Guy of Gisborne runs home to tell his cousin, the Sheriff of Nottingham (Alan Rickman, doing the acting of 100 men), that Robin of Locksley bonked him in his nuts. Rickman is busy rubbing a scared woman and waiting for his statue delivery. He ordered a marble statue of HIMSELF, and that’s the kind of self-care that we’d all be yass-queening if this movie didn’t equate being a decadent pervert with PURE EVIL! Like of course the Sheriff of Nottingham famously sucks, but in Prince of Thieves one of ways he sucks is that he is HORNY and has SEX and is kind of sweaty about it. Not a weird mistletoe rapist like our strawberry-blonde king Robin Hood!

Costner and Freeman finally get to Locksley Castle and find it all burned and gross and his dad dead in a cage. Bummer. Duncan pops out from a hole in the wall and gives Costner the 411 on how his dad got ambushed by the Medieval Klan and didn’t know how to use a castle properly. Also Guy of Gisborne poked out Duncan’s eyes, which Robin Hood constantly roasts him for and treats like a huge inconvenience for the rest of the movie (“UGH, THE RAMBLINGS OF A BLIND MAN”).

Duncan Donuts explains that the sheriff made Big Locksley sign a confession that he was worshipping the devil so he could kill him and steal all his lands. Costner is extra sad because he and his dad had a big fight right before he left for the Crusades: “He called the Crusades a foolish quest. He said it was vanity to force other men to our religion.” WOW SOMEONE ACTUALLY SAID A NORMAL THING. TOO BAD HE’S DEAD NOW.

KC tells MF that he doesn’t need to stay in England and help him with his revenge quest, but MF says, “Alone, Christian, you will only get yourself killed. There is nothing left for me to go home to.”

No!!!!! Go do your own stuff, man! This is codependent behavior! Parent yourself first!

KC slashes his hand open to drip his blood on his dad’s grave to make a blood oath (bcc to Morgan Freeman: red flag!). DON’T DO THAT YOU LIVE IN A FILTHY SOCIETY YOU ARE GOING TO GET AN INFECTION AND DIE.

Meanwhile, Alan Rickman is friends with this witch, who lives in a swamp full of rats, frogs, and a crow, in case you thought sorcery wasn’t real!!! Show me where rats, frogs, and a crow get along in a non-magical society! Nobody’s eating each other!? AND THERE’S A SNAKE!

The witch cuts open an egg with her fingernail and it’s full of blood. She dumps some runes in the blood and is like “oh this says Robin of Locksley is coming back and so is King Richard,” which is exactly the same way that Sidney Powell found out about the kraken.

Rickman is like, “Okay, but is our plan still good to go?” and she’s like, “EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! THE PAINTED MAN! HE HAUNTS MY DREAMS! ADORNED WITH STRANGE MARKINGS!” and he’s like “please keep it together, Christine,” and she hugs him for comfort and, I’m sorry, what is your relationship??

Robin and friends go to Peter DuBois’s house to give his ring to Maid Marian. They let Robin inside but Adele Dazeem and Duncan Donuts have to stay outside. As soon as they’re alone Duncan is like “MAN, YOU KNOW WHO I HATE? MOORS!!!!!!! By the way, what kind of accent is that?” and Azeem is like “MOORISH!!!!!!” and Duncan is like “wow this is uncomfortable.” It’s just like on Love Is Blind when Shayne thought he was talking to Shaina in the pods but then it was actually Natalie!!!!!!!!

Seriously though, where did Azeem learn English SO GOOD that racist-ass Duncan can’t even tell he’s a Moor? And more importantly, WHY did he learn it? It’s not like now, when English has a stranglehold on the entire world so there’s an incentive for everyone to speak it. WHY WOULD AZEEM SPEAK ANY ENGLISH AT ALL? It just makes you wonder if this movie thought about anything??

The main problem is that Kevin Costner is so utterly uncharismatic that he somehow slurps the charisma out of OTHER PEOPLE in the movie too (that’s why Alan Rickman has to ham it so hard! do you think that’s why he died too soon!?). Morgan Freeman should be able to hold my attention, you know? And yet he cannot, because of Costner’s hex moste foule! If you’re going to have a 90s American play Robin Hood, why not Kurt Russell? Rob Lowe? Anyone with some spark of human life? We know Christian Slater was avail, you weirdos! I WOULD EVEN ACCEPT BURT REYNOLDS. I feel bad saying this because I kind of actually don’t hate Kevin Costner? I feel like he works in other contexts and I am actually ready for his Don Johnson-style second act! But unfortunately I have never known less or cared less about any character in media than this Robin of the Hood!

This chick comes out and is like “I’m Maid Marian,” and KC is like WHAT because she’s big and fat and he was under the impression that Maid Marian was someone he could put on his shoulders at a music festival and they were maybe going to fuck. He didn’t row all the way back from Jerusalem to talk to a fat chick!!

Costner says wow the years have not been kind to you, indicating that they knew each other as children, but earlier they said he’s only been gone at the Crusades for SIX YEARS. And she’s like “Robin of Locksley was a spoiled bully,” but again, HOW OLD IS HE SUPPOSED TO BE???? So… he was a spoiled bully when he was…. 32??????? And she somehow got so fat in six years that he can’t even recognize her face? THE TIMELINE DOESN’T WORK.

Then a knight comes out and tries to kill Robin and it turns out to be the real Maid Marian in disguise and you can go ahead breathe again because, yes, she is thin and hot. Costner gives her the brother’s ring and says, “His last thoughts were of you.” Yeah, I’m sure his last thoughts were, “I hope Kevin Costner fucks my sister.”

Like, National Treasure is a horrible movie, but at least it has Nicolas Cage! Costner tells Maid Marian that her brother got murdered with an arrow like he’s telling her she needs a new transmission.

Maid Marian says she doesn’t want to go to London and live at court for her own safety because there’s too much gossiping there. Okay but here people are TRYING TO KILL YOU? “I swore to your brother that I would protect you,” and it was kind of a big ask! So don’t be a pain in the ass about it!!!!!

Maid Marian: “All I remember of you is a spoiled bully who used to burn my hair as a child!”

SIX YEARS AGO!?!?!?!??!?!

HE BURNED YOUR HAIR?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?

MA’AM THIS MAN IS BLATANTLY 38 YEARS OLD.

Guy of Gisborne shows up so they steal Maid Marian’s horses and ride away and Robin smacks her on the ass on his way out. And she’s, like, smiling? And it’s like why are you smiling? This is scary!

Our dudes decide to go hide in Sherwood Forest even though it’s “haunted.” They stop 10 feet into the forest and stand behind a tree and Guy is like DANG, FOILED AGAIN. Okay, wow, that was actually very effective. Kudos!

They come to an extremely small river and are absolutely flummoxed re: how to get across.

WALK ACROSS IT

JUST WALK ACROSS IT

IT IS ONE INCH DEEP

Kevin Costner trips on a rope under the water and Christian Slater (UNDERUSED!!!!!!!!!!) comes out and makes fun of him. It was a trap set by the Merry Men! They pop out of the trees and say that Robin & Co have to pay a tax to cross the river, and only Robin’s special golden medallion will do.

Little John says he’ll stick-fight Robin for it, then that poacher kid comes out of the woods and is like, “Careful, father! He walloped 12 of the Sheriff’s men!” Yeah, SAVING UR ASS, UNGRATEFUL!

Costner immediately loses the stick-fight and gets knocked into the river because he stick-fights like a rich boy. Then he attacks Little John FROM BEHIND LIKE A COWARD and knocks him over. Then he gets knocked into the river again and disappears beneath the waves. But just when Little John thinks he’s won, Robin pops out of the water and bonks Little John on his doinker! Little John admits defeat to this weaselly cheater, and Robin Hood gets to keep his extremely important ugly necklace.

Around the campfire Robin condescendingly tells the Merry Men that their ghost act will only keep the Sheriff’s men away for so long.

Christian Slater: “You got a better idea?”

Yeah, how about ONE BIG GHOST?

Slater tells the Merry Men that Costner obviously sucks and they should stop hanging out with him immediately.

Costner: “I am a rich man’s son. But when I killed the Sheriff’s men I became an outlaw like you.”

Uh, I actually grew up in a black neighborhood?

Then they all go to bed in their shitty houses made of piles of sticks. One question, guys: doesn’t it rain like all year here? I like the aesthetics of the stick house thing, but it’s pretty drippy. Duncan Donuts is gonna die!

Robin goes to church to hit up Maid Marian. She’s like “Do me a favor—TAKE A BATH!” And get some Binaca while you’re at it!!!! (The 90s.) He sneaks into the bishop’s bedroom and gives him a silly raspberry right on his big tummy. The Bishop tells Robin that unfortunately his dad DEF did worship the devil, and Robin is like no way Jose, and opens the door to vamoose. Uh oh! SHERIFF AND GUY OF GISBORNE ARE LITERALLY RIGHT THERE!

Bishop yells, “On your souls, do not shed blood in the house of the lord!” but Kevin whips out a knife and slices the Sheriff’s cheek, despite having JUST been asked to not do that. Then he cuts the chandelier rope and rides it up to the ceiling! Not enough of that in movies anymore!! Chandelier rope was the main mode of transportation in the 90s.

Costner steals the sheriff’s horse and runs back to Sherwood Forest, where he gives Duncan a whole loaf of bread. Duncan doesn’t need that much! Give some to the kids!

Someone’s like, “You plan to join us then, matey?” and Robin goes, “No, to lead you.”

:-|

The Sheriff starts burning down all the villages looking for Robin, so now ALL the peeps in England have to move into the forest. They’re all extremely mad at Robin for bringing this misery on them by stealing the Sheriff’s horse and slashing his face in the house of the lord.

Slater: “You’re still trying to be the lord of the manor.”

CORRECT! HE IS! GET HIM OUT OF THERE!

Robin tells Slater to stop being such a puss, so Slater goes to throw a knife at Robin’s back but Robin spins around and shoots an arrow through Slater’s hand. Dude, there are no 12th-century surgeons that can repair those delicate finger tendons!!!! That’s a disabling injury for life, even if he doesn’t die from infection! BUT GOOD JOB TEACHING A LESSON. (The lesson is that all rich people have brain worms and are fundamentally unfit for leadership yet feel entitled to exert authority and control over even the most grassroots revolutionary movements!)

Kevin Costner starts turning the dirty peasant people into an army by teaching them how to make arrows and shoot them. (Surely the regular people know how to do that better than the fancy lad?) Somehow they also have time to build a whole Swiss Family Robinson treehouse, of which I approve, as noted.

They start stealing all the poor people’s taxes back from the tax collectors and giving it back to the people, along with free bread and ducks. The government is stressed: “We reckon he’s nicked 3 to 4 million” in the past couple months alone. I’m sorry, but you know exactly where he is! You still think there’s ghosts in the forest???? Instead of just going into the forest, Alan Rickman cancels Christmas.

Guy of Gisborne is transporting a bunch of gold and mead through the forest (I thought you didn’t go into the forest????) with Friar Tuck, who is wasted and won’t stop singing, when they’re booby-trapped by the Merry Men who steal all the stuff and laugh.

Friar Tuck tries to fight all the Merry Men at once so he doesn’t have to give them his mead, because he needs it for his drinking problem, so for revenge they PUT A YOKE ON HIM and make him pull the wagon around like a big fat ox. It makes me, a fat person, feel good to watch it. Then he’s like “ok I will just join the merry men, nvm.”

Guy has to go tell the Sheriff that he lost all the men and all the gold and Friar Tuck and the beer, so Sheriff stabs him to death. (I get that you’re mad, but that was your only friend!)

Maid Marian and her DUFF go visit Robin Hood in the forest, and she finds him SWIMMING NAKED AND SHE SEES HIS BUTT CHEEKS. He takes her to the Merry Men forest village and shows her their giant tree hut full of treasure (sorry, who’s your structural engineer?) and explains that he HAD to intercept all this treasure because it was being sent as bribes to the king’s enemies.

Tell me Kevin Costner doesn’t look like my dog.

A little kid goes up to Azeem and asks, “Did God paint you?” and Azeem says, “Most certainly!”

!?!?!?!?!??!!!!?!?!?!??!??!?!?

NO HE MOST CERTAINLY DID NOT. IF ANYTHING HE PAINTED WHITE PEOPLE!

Robin tells Maid Marian that he was mad at his dad for hooking up with a peasant woman after his mom died. Marian says, “So he gave her up?” and Costner goes, “For the love of a 12-year-old boy.” And he means himself, but THE PHRASING IS WEIRD.

Little John’s wife goes into labor and the baby is breach (like me! 40 years ago today!). Friar Tuck does NOT know what to do (why is this his job?) but Azeem is like hang on I’ve totally done this with horses and she is kinda chunky like a horse. Friar Tuck is like DON’T LET THAT BLACK GUY DO IT, but Azeem does anyway and saves the day. More like Friar Suck.

Then Friar Tuck dumps a bunch of emotional labor on Azeem and makes him hang out with him and forgive him for being racist. Costner and Marian both just wipe their hands on a rag and go dancing? After delivering the baby? MAYBE POP DOWN TO THE CREEK FOR A SEC.

Now it’s time for Marian to go home, and Costner asks her to take Duncan Donuts with her because he’s annoying as fuck. Also, he says, it’s really dangerous for a blind guy to live in a tree house, which seems ableist? Maybe make your treehouse more accessible, dickhead! Then they kiss.

Meanwhile the Sheriff of Nottingham is a sweaty mess. The barons are coming and he has nothing to bribe them with! The witch tells him to hire some Celts to raid Sherwood Forest and also says he should fuck Maid Marian so he can have a kid with royal blood and make it king.

Marian writes a letter to Richard the Lionheart to warn him about what’s going on with the shitty Sheriff, and her maid goes with the Bishop’s messenger guy to deliver it. But as soon as they get out in the woods he bonks her on the head! I knew we couldn’t trust that Bishop!  

The Sheriff sends some guys to kidnap Maid Marian. Luckily Duncan Donuts was hiding AGAIN so he hops on a SmartHorse and it takes him back to Sherwood Forest where he tells Robin what happened. Robin is PO’D. But he doesn’t have much time because the Celts are here! And they ain’t afraid of no ghosts!

Someone OF COURSE is like UGH, DUNCAN LED THEM RIGHT TO US, and could you please give Duncan a fucking break??? First of all, it wasn’t him, IT WAS THE HORSE.

Ok how quickly did he get those Celts? Sherwood Forest is in, like, central England? And the Celts are up in, idk, Edinburgh? It’s not like there’s Ryanair! (Please do not fact-check this paragraph.)

The Merry Men beat the shit out of the Celts at first and the Celts have had it and run away. But then the Sheriff’s guys have fire arrows so they burn down the whole tree village. Everyone starts running away. It’s mayhem. Costner starts throwing gold down on the terrified people to… harm them?

Then he falls out of a tree and loses his special necklace, presumed dead.

Maid Marian is taking communion when the Sheriff comes in and is like “I know u frenched Robin Hood” and holds up her letter to the king and the Bishop is like BIG SHRUG. Sheriff shows her Robby’s magic necklace and says if she doesn’t marry him he’s going to kill all the kids she knows.

Marian: “I have no choice!” #FREEKYRIE

All the surviving Merry Men regroup in the forest and just when their despair is setting in they see a guy silhouetted by a giant floodlight (HOW) and IT’S ROBBY!!!!!! Great. They bury all the dead people including Duncan Donuts and Robin is sad. He tells Azeem that he “fought better than 20 English knights,” which such a fuckin’ white guy compliment!

Meanwhile, in prison, Christian Slater tells the Sheriff that he can deliver Robin Hood. They set him free and he goes back to the forest and lets them know that ten of their guys are going to be hanged in the town square and PS he still hates Robin Hood.

Costner: “Did I wrong you in another life, Will Scarlett? Where does this intolerable hatred for me come from?”

Slater: “From knowing that our father loved you more than me!”

DANANANANANANGGGGGG! Huge reveal that I don’t care about!

Then Slater does an immediate and unearned 180.

Slater: “I have more reason to hate you than anyone, but I found myself believing in you. And now I want to know, brother, will you finish what you started?”

KC hugs him with brotherly love. Now they’re all in to destroy the Sheriff. They start doing their plan to sneak into the castle and stop the execution.

Outside, the guards are confiscating everyone’s weapons and just throwing them in a big pile. My dudes, this is the 1190s! Every single one of those things was made by hand by a guy who only owns one cabbage! You gotta have some sort of cubby system! Jorfrik worked really hard on that bow!

Azeem has created some gunpowder somehow, so Friar Tuck smuggles it inside in casks, pretending it’s beer, that is his one skill, transporting beer.

Costner finds some horse poop and rubs it all over his face so the guards are too stinkified to arrest him.

They bring the prisoners out and the poacher kid recognizes Christian Slater and starts screaming at him and fucks everything up. The Sheriff says to execute Christian Slater too! They don’t have a plan for that! They’re fresh out of nooses, so the executioner ties Slater to the barrel of TNT as a chopping block, which means that now Morgan Freeman cannot hit it with a flaming arrow without blowing up Christian Slater’s dome.

They hang the kid (JESUS), but Robin Hood cuts the rope with an arrow just in time. Then they start blowing up all the TNT. The Sheriff cannot believe this shit. In front of the barons and everything!?!?

They hang the rest of the guys but before they can die Little John uses his brute strength to just push the scaffold over. Now Azeem makes a big speech on the wall: “IF YOU WOULD BE FREE MEN THEN YOU MUST FIGHT. JOIN US NOW. JOIN ROBIN HOOD.” All the village people go absolutely nuts.

The sheriff grabs Maid Marian and runs away, so Robin and Azeem SIT ON A CATAPULT and have Christian Slater BLAST THEM OVER THE WALL. LOLOLOLOLOL.

They fight their way through the castle until they get to the chapel where the Sheriff is about to forcibly marry Maid Marian. Wedding crashers! LOL, did you know the Sheriff of Nottingham’s name is GEORGE!?

The Sheriff wants to consummate right there in front of the Bishop and his mom-witch but he can’t get it up because there’s too much noise. The witch stabs Azeem but then he stabs her worse. Robin swings in through the stained glass window. The Sheriff starts swordfighting Robin and Robin’s like “okay can we have a splitting one arrow with another arrow contest instead, because that’s mostly what I’ve been working on?”

Meanwhile Friar Tuck finds the Bishop trying to steal all the money and run away. FAT FIGHT! He throws the Bishop out the window.

Marian does not help at ALL. I mean she helps like once. Just when the Sheriff is about to kill Robin she distracts him and he kills the Sheriff with the dagger that the Sheriff gave her. Robin goes to hug Marian but just then the witch busts in screaming so Azeem throws his curvy sword at her. Wow, I guess you shouldn’t judge a “painted man” by his curvy sword after all!

Now Robin and Marian get married in Sherwood Forest. Brian Adams plays the wedding. But then someone is like wait! I object! And it’s King Richard the Lionheart, aka SEAN CONNERY!

Hahahahah, remember how much no one gave a shit when Sean Connery died? The perfect storm of #MeToo and Covid took this man’s legacy DOWN! Kids these days have no clue, but Sean Connery was an extremely huge deal from World War II almost all the way through to World War III. This man was already elderly when I was BORN and yet I remember People Magazine aggressively trying to sell me on his chest hair when I was, like, nine? And now? NOTHING. Can you imagine? You make 70 years of the most famous movies on earth, hotties want to bang you deep into your 80s, you’re rich as hell, then you do ONE interview where you casually tell Barbara Walters that you love hitting women in the face, then YouTube is invented, and then KA-BONG! You die and it gets less press than “Scientists Say Lobsters Pee Out of Their Eyes.” I remember in 1991 people were soooooooo jazzed about Sean Connery’s “surprise” cameo as Richard the Lionheart in this dumb fucking movie, and now I cannot think of a single fact of less significance. LOL. I am not sorry to this man!