Butt News Movie Club #6: My Best Friend's Wedding

More Like My Butt Friend's... Wadd...ed ...Up Toilet Paper

[Butt News is a free e-mail newsletter about movies and butts! You can receive Butt News in your inbox weekly by subscribing now. If you like it, please tell your friends! And if you have suggestions for future movies, put them in the comments HERE!]

We open with four white women, dressed as a midcentury bride and her bridesmaids, performing “Wishin’ and Hopin’” by Burt Bacharach, and remember 1997 when people were just making that choice all the time?? Okay, so we’re casting four nameless dancers, untethered to any story, truly zero constraints, dancing in a void, literally we could cast anyone as long as they are young and thin and can do this brief dance, and we’re going to pick—on purpose—WHITES ONLY. 100% WHITES. Just four blindingly pearly Veiled Prophet Queens of Love and Beauty singing a song about obliterating your selfhood so you can be garroted by a lifetime of subservient heterosexual “love”!!!!! Enjoy, teens! It’s the romcom of the decade!

Now we’re back-of-house at a fancy restaurant, and it’s very busy! Late celebrity chef Charlie Trotter is stressed. He’s like, THIS OVER THERE! PUT THAT ON THIS! SALADS NOW! “I’ll kill your whole family if you don’t get this right, Guillermo!” which is mean because Guillermo probably really likes his family!

There’s a VIP table waiting for an order and holy shit—it’s feared food critic Julia Roberts and her editor (newspaper? book? they never say) Rupert Everett! The server brings out this truly repellant ‘90s slop tower and a hush falls over the entire restaurant and Julia Robert tastes it and goes: “I’m writing it up as inventive… and confident.” AND EVERYONE CHEERS.

I know this is probably obvious to all of you, but that is not how restaurant reviewing works at all! Food critics are supposed to like literally use a pseudonym and wear a disguise and sneak in through the sewers and slime up to the hostess in a nun’s habit waving a rubber chicken and be like “BOY HOWDEE name’s Jeffy Pampers and I sure would love me some pasketti!!!!!!!” Because you gotta throw the fancy restaurant people off your scent or else you won’t get an objective sample of their food and service. It’s journalism 101! You can never give Charlie Trotter a chance to terrify Guillermo into bringing his A-game! The whole point is to assess Guillermo on his regular Guillermo game. You’re good enough just as you are, Guillermo.

Julia gets a call on her 1997 cell phone, which looks like an office chair, but bigger, and it’s a voicemail from her best friend, Dermot Mulroney. He’s desperate to talk. Rupert demands exposition so she explains that she dated this guy in college but she couldn’t commit because she is emotionally barren so they broke up but stayed best friends for the past nine years and one time WITHOUT ASKING he CUT HER HAND WITH A RAZOR and did same to his own and said, “Swear when we’re 28 if we’re not married, we’ll marry each other” and she’s about to be 28 in two weeks. Rupert unfortunately encourages her to believe that the best friend must be calling about the blood pact. (But he’s noooooooot!!!!!!!)

After dinner Julia calls best friend back. He says he’s been trying to get in touch with her for a month but she explains that she’s been on book tour and if she brought her cell phone on the plane it would have crashed because it’s actually the size of a slightly bigger plane. Dermot explains that he is not, in fact, calling about the blood pact (although he says, erotically, “I think about that night all the time”)—he’s calling because he met someone and “we’re getting married this Sunday.” Julia falls down and I laughed.

It’s Wednesday and the wedding is Sunday and it actually starts tomorrow because “it’s one of those four-day weddings” and he NEEDS Julia to be there. I’m sorry. This would have taken so long to plan!!!!!! You really couldn’t have gotten this information to her sooner!?!?!? Don’t either of you know anyone else?? I was only 15 in 1997 but I distinctly remember being able to get in contact with people even if they had a job! I used to call my mom at the hospital after school and they would FORWARD THE CALL TO THE OPERATING ROOM so I could ask her some dumbfuck question about whether we had any more frozen pot pies WHILE SOME PERSON WAS LYING THERE IN THE MIDDLE OF THEIR EYEBALL SURGERY. I feel like Dermot could have called up the Grand Rapids Waldenbooks and said “Hey when Julia Roberts gets there for her reading could you let her know that I’m getting married”?

Julia instantly realizes that she’s extremely in love with her best friend and calls George in an absolute fugue state screaming: “I’ve got exactly four days to break up a wedding, steal the bride’s fella, and I’ve got no idea how to do it.”

Well, right off the bat you could try saying, “Hello I have feelings for you, would you like to date me instead of your fiancee please?” Or YOU COULD TRY THERAPY! You don’t own other people, sorry!! It doesn’t matter how much you want somebody else to do something if they don’t want to do it! When men feel this way it usually ends in murder! We thought this was a charming and acceptable premise for a comedy in 1997!

Julia flies to Chicago and Dermot meets her at the airport—the crowd parts and she sees him and runs to him and they crash into each other and almost kiss and I guess it’s supposed to be ka-boioioioioing but it’s really just extremely inappropriate and weird, like, have these filmmakers never had a platonic friend of a different gender?????? His bride-to-be, Cameron Diaz, is also there, and SHE immediately has no boundaries also, and goes, “I’ve never had a sister!!!!” mere microseconds after meeting this bitch Julia Roberts. Cameron Diaz is 20 years old and is a BILLIONAIRE(!!) heiress and will be dropping out of undergrad to marry Dermot Mulroney and follow him around from minor league baseball park to minor league baseball park while he tries to “make it” as a “sports reporter,” and here’s where you start wanting to take a hammer to your TV screen so you can climb through the tubes and drag Cameron Diaz to one of those camps where they deprogram people from cults.

Cameron Diaz drives them very recklessly through the town, and I guess it’s no surprise that she is a terrible driver seeing as she has only been doing it for a maximum of four years!!!!! They go to the dress fitting so Julia Roberts can get her MAID OF HONOR DRESS because Cameron explains that she doesn’t have any friends or family except for two sluts that she hates. The logistics of this movie are almost as horrible as the morals. You cannot have a fucking gown custom made four days before a wedding! This scene has given me a custom migraine.

Cameron says that she used to think she was a withered old anti-love feminist like Julia until she met Dermot. Then Julia rips the dress with her huge 28-year-old thighs. She goes to the dressing room to change while the tailor fixes the dress, and Dermot just WALKS IN ON HER while she’s in her bra and panties. Obviously uncomfortable, she scrambles to cover up, and HE SAYS, WITH HIS 20-YEAR-OLD FIANCEE IN THE NEXT ROOM, “I’ve seen you a lot more naked than that” and then “you look really good without clothes on”!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!





As though that was a GOOD THING that happened to her just now and not a horrific instance of sexual harassment from a trusted friend. That’s how men are supposed to be?? That’s him doing a GOOD job? The only way this movie could rightfully be called a comedy is if this man fucking ate shit and died at the end.

Cameron traps Julia in an elevator to confess that she feels threatened by the latter’s friendship and former romance with Dermot: “You’ll always be there in his mind this perfect creature that he loved for all these years…am I going to be jealous of you for the rest of my life?” Julia has a claustrophobic freak-out, which she karmically deserves and I enjoyed watching, and Cameron explains how she finally reconciled her jealousy: “The answer was so simple. You win. He’s got you on a pedestal and me in his arms.” I actually think that most of the writing in this movie is pretty good, but come again????????????

Finally the doors open and Julia Roberts falls out of the elevator and is attacked by sluts. The sluts tell her that in addition to being VERY recently a teenager, Cameron Diaz is also A VIRGIN. Is there a Dog the Bounty Hunter for insecure women about to marry abusive mediocre sports reporters with toxic exes?

Julia goes to the baseball game to hang with Dermot and the men (Dermot’s dad and Cameron’s dad and some guys from “SPORT Magazine,” lol). For some reason she shows up with a tray of beers like a waitress and does a sexy promenade back and forth in front of them while they all lick their mouths hornily. She kisses Dermot’s dad on the mouth and then she VERY aggressively hits on his teenage brother, Chris Masterson. It is a weird scene!

She and Dermot have a quiet moment together and he tells her he loves Cameron Diaz because “When I hug her, even in public, I don’t have to let go right away. She lets me hold her as long as I want,” which, wow, was really THE ENTIRE BAR for women in the ‘90s as long as you were thin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 1) Be thin, 2) let me touch you whenever I want. He tells Julia that when they were together she always pulled away when he tried to hug her in public. What a bitch!

They go do karaoke even though Cameron hates it and is terrified and cannot believe they’re even in such a place because she comes from a higher class. (This scene bravely asks and answers the question: “What if a MAN sang ‘I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar’? HE WOULD BE GAY!!!!!!”) Dermot hugs both Cameron and Julia, one in each arm, and says, “this is so great, my two best girls,” and you glimpse for a moment a different universe, where alternative relationship structures are possible and maybe people don’t have to be held hostage to psychotic weaponized jealousy, and maybe Cameron Diaz and Julia Roberts will make out, and maybe they will leave Dermot behind and start a gay farm, or, wait, maybe they bring Guillermo in to cook for them since his whole family is dead now, it’s a pansexual farm—but INSTEAD Julia Roberts decides to publicly humiliate and torture her rival by forcing her to sing karaoke against her clearly stated boundaries! Very funny! Dermot joins in the forced karaoke because THESE ARE BOTH BAD PEOPLE WHO DESERVE TO ROT TOGETHER. THEY ARE NOT INVITED TO THE GAY FARM.

Cameron sings “I Just Don’t Know What to Do with Myself” and people are literally HECKLING her and Julia is fucking eating it up. But then Cameron is so bad at singing that the crowd turns a corner and falls in love with her and Dermot can’t believe it!!!!! Julia is irritated that this CHILD is not suffering lifelong psychological damage due to her karaoke scheme. This is the HERO of the MOVIE!

Diaz has to go home because of a wedding thing so Julia and Dermot stay out together and she sets her extremely convoluted Big Sabotage Plan into motion. Julia implies to Dermot that Cameron and her corporate fat-cat father Walter are scheming to offer him a corporate job in order to to TAME HIM and tie him down and make him be CORPORATE MAN and stop doing SPECIAL BOY SPORTS REPORTING and FORCE HIM to live in a MANSION in CHICAGO!!!!! He’s like, CAMERON DIAZ WOULD NEVER DO THAT TO ME! YOU DON’T KNOW HER! And she’s like uh huh sure okay buddy!

Even though this is just a lie she made up and they weren’t actually wickedly conspiring to give this 28-year-old idiot a high-paying corporate job despite having a shitty attitude and no qualifications, I hope that’s what ended up happening! I bet there’s a lot of freelance sports reporters who wish they’d gotten out of sports reporting in 1997! Actually, “professional print media food critic” Julia Roberts should probably ask Daddy Cameron Diaz for a job too!

While they browse china (IT’S TOO LATE! OH MY GOD!), Julia implements Phase II, pushing Cameron to convince her dad to offer Dermot an evil career. Cameron bites, and over lunch she tells Dermot that her dad wants him for a six-month contract in the PR department, just to try it out, because then they could stay in Chicago and she wouldn’t have to drop out of school, and then Julia, SNAKE, is like, “I think you oughtta listen to her, Michael, it’s her life too” (WHICH IS TRUE ACTUALLY AND ACTUALLY THIS WOULD NOT BE SNAKE BEHAVIOR IF SHE WAS TAKING THIS POSITION FOR THE RIGHT REASONS) and Michael (Dermot) fucking flips out to a degree that is nakedly abusive.

He’s like, “Just sure glad I’m hearing about this now before it’s too late,” implying that he’s going to CALL THE WEDDING OFF because this girl simply OFFERED HIM A LUCRATIVE JOB IN CHICAGO WITH A MANSION, and then he’s like “I work in a low-paying zero respect job that unfortunately I happen to love! What about MY life!?” He is SCREAMING this in the restaurant. His life is obviously more important than her life. “You wait until two days before our wedding to drop this on me and I’m just supposed to roll over and drool.”

Diaz is sobbing and crying and she folds and begs for his forgiveness even though he is the one being horrible and begs for him to stay with her: “You’re so right! I was so so wrong!” It’s like a horror movie, truly, and not to go too deep into my own pathology but I was triggered by this! My whole generation was taught to process this as a heartwarming moment of true love! Despite the fact that his reaction alone is grounds for her to dump him and move to another planet, they make up and get back together and the wedding is on. Seriously this nasty little worm can go die.

MEANWHILE AT RUPERT EVERETT’S GAY DINNER. Julia Roberts leaves a screaming voicemail on his phone and the whole gay dinner party hears, which they LOVE. Julia drinks the entire minibar and passes out, and then in the morning Rupert Everett shows up at her hotel door. He flew there to… help? He flew there for friendship. It’s cute. I guess. Here begins the Rupert Everett quadrant of the movie, the only part really worth watching.

He’s like yo, Julia, what the fuck is going on with you, and she says, “this is my life’s happiness. I have to be ruthless,” which, NO YOU DON’T. IT IS ACTUALLY OTHER PEOPLE’S LIVES. Rupert’s like, “do you really love him or is this just about winning?” the first healthy thing anyone’s said all movie, and THIS BITCH GOES: “In the beginning [you mean… EARLIER TODAY?] it was mostly this prior claim—he belonged to me—but now, when I’m with him, he’s just so wonderful! How come I never knew that when I could have had him?”

Hahahahahaha and then Rupert is like, “It’s amazing the clarity that comes with psychotic jealousy.” THANK YOU, SIR.

Okay, then he grabs her hair1 in this way that… uh…… okay!!!! Wow! I feel like I might have a little insight into Rupert’s bedroom time with his partner Henrique, a Brazilian accountant! Sir!!!!!!!

Rupert tells her that maybe she should fucking talk to her friend instead of doing [gestures vaguely] whatever this is. So she goes to see Dermot at the tailor’s where he is apparently getting measured for his wedding tuxedo the day before the wedding, please kill me, and she looks at the tailor and is like, “can you excuse us, please?” and no! He can’t! He has eight hours to make a tuxedo!!!!!!!!!

She starts babbling to Dermot but cannot tell the truth. Dermot is confused.

Nearby, Rupert falls down. Ten thumbs up.

Dermot is like “who is that guy” so Julia panics and tells him that Rupert is her fiancee and they are in love and then there’s a line that’s so funny it makes you ache with the pain of what this movie could have been if it had normal human morals:

“He’s racing back to New York—he just came back for a few hours to, uh… fuck me.”

I think it doesn’t translate here but it’s funny when you watch it. EVERYONE in this movie is very good, to be clear!

Rupert Everett is so fucking funny and I know he has said some bad weird shit in the past 20 years but I wish the Rupert Everett era of American cinema had lasted longer. OH, maybe I forgot to mention earlier that the Rupert Everett character is gay? He’s gay, so that’s why this thing where they pretend to be in love is funny. And it could NOT be funny, it could be hack, but here it’s actually very funny because Rupert Everett is funny. Okay??????

They go to dinner with the whole family at a restaurant called BARRY AND THE CUDA and everyone loves Rupert Everett so much and he ruthlessly torments Julia Roberts throughout the dinner, and it’s a full-body joy because you hate her so much!

The sluts LOVE IT. Then, famously, they all sing “Say a Little Prayer for You” in the restaurant, and do you remember how this film ushered in not only the Age of Everett but also the Bacharacaissance?

Dermot is both jealous of Rupert’s extreme charm and annoyed by the singing. Imagine being annoyed at this happening! I mean, I’d be baffled? But not annoyed?????? Okay, but the song is still going on. Really? We need the bridge???? Are we sure?

The timeline of this movie is very slow—i.e. we have been in the same day for like the past 26 scenes—which means that for AN HOUR Julia Roberts has been wearing this outfit that is like an oversized men’s suit with Legolas’s vest underneath???? Is she the food critic for… the Mirkwood Gazette?

Rupert leaves. Dermot asks Julia if they can spend the day together (HIS WEDDING IS TOMORROW WHY ISN’T HE BUSY), because now he’s all horned up on jealousy. They take a boat ride and it’s extremely intimate:

Dermot: “You’ve sorta been, you know, the woman in my life.”

Julia: “You’ve been the man in mine.”

Dermot: “And I was thinking this could be our last time alone, together, you know?”

Julia: “Except for that hot affair we’ll have twice a year!”

Dermot: “Except for that.”

You guys!!!! Learn to communicate! You can actually do whatever you want! You don’t have to get married! This shit is weird!

Dermot tells her that Cameron Diaz says “If you love someone you should say it.” Sorry, but no adult has ever quoted a 20-year-old.

Julia Roberts still cannot say it.

Dermot: “Is your dance card full?”

Julia: “Well, I’ll have to check—I keep it on Powerbook these days.”


Then they slow-dance to “The Way You Look Tonight,” which is “their song.” Dermot confesses that he and Cameron Diaz do not have a song. Julia, obviously, is toxically horny about that.

She goes to Cameron’s dad’s work and weasels her way into his office to do some more sabotage. She gets on the dad’s work computer and writes an e-mail to the editor of SPORT Magazine (still lol) asking him to fire Dermot from sports so he’ll take the corporate PR job. She starts to come to her senses for one second and is about to delete the e-mail, but then she tries on the wedding ring that Dermot entrusted to her and it gets stuck and she turns back into Gollum and is like FUCK THIS and clicks “Save for Later” on the e-mail. What a b-hole!!!!! She leaves, and then we see Cameron Diaz’s dad tell his secretary to send out all of his unsent e-mails!!! (I was extremely alive during this time but truly do not remember—is that how we used to do e-mails??)

Julia doesn’t even know that the e-mail got sent, but later that night she has a change of heart AGAIN, panics, and tries to get Dermot to get her into his future dad-in-law’s building to retrieve an “important work file” that she “left there” (i.e. go delete the e-mail). They can’t get in. It is very late at night. He’s getting married T O M O R R O W. She’s SUCH A PSYCHO.

And then, oh shit, the SPORT Magazine editor—a real one—blows all her shit up!!!!!! He FAXes Dermot the e-mail to warn him about the kind of family he’s marrying into! The weaselly kind that tries to get sports boys fired from magazines to go be corporate with mansions!

Julia watches this all happen, but instead of telling Dermot to stop for a second and saying, “HEY I DID THIS BECAUSE OF MY PERSONALITY DISORDER,” she just clams up her shit mouth and lets him dump Cameron Diaz!

And Dermot, a fucking genius, doesn’t think to himself, huh, my psycho friend who I just had a weird sexually tense boat ride with has been losing her fucking mind trying to get back into Walter’s office all night, and now this bizarre thing is happening with Walter’s e-mail, and my fiancee whom I love and trust swears that she and her father did not do this… MAYBE THIS BITCH WHO IS OBVIOUSLY OBSESSED WITH ME IS FUCKING UP MY LIFE ON PURPOSE?

Instead he dumps Cameron Diaz while Julia hangs out in the hallway with bellman Paul Giamatti. He tells her this is a non-smoking floor but she just keeps smoking because hot people can do whatever they want.

Dermot opens the door and is like “it’s done,” and then asks if Julia still has the ring and she confesses that it’s stuck on her finger and then he SUCKS IT OFF WITH HIS MOUTH.


First of all, re: basic ring science, if he could get it off like that then she could have gotten it off with soapy suds.

Second of all, ARE WE SUPPOSED TO THINK THIS IS GOOD AND ROMANTIC AND SATISFYING????? This is literally disgusting!

She asks if he wants to go get food and he says he wants to be alone right now even though HE JUST SUCKED HER WHOLE FINGER which was kind of a big bold move. AND right before that he just said “I’m so glad you’re here,” but sure.

I have no idea how this chick thinks this plan is going to work out. He’s just NEVER going to talk to Diaz again? Because all she’d really have to say is, “Uh, hey, I REALLY didn’t send that e-mail, and btw your best friend talked me into offering you that job in the first place, AND she was weirdly in my dad’s office alone yesterday for some reason.” But, again, sure!

Julia wakes up to a message at her door—Dermot decided to have the pre-wedding brunch anyway. Julia shows up there to shoot her shot, and I have to say that she looks very hot. This is the good kind of ‘90s outfit!

Dermot asks Julia to go check on Diaz. Diaz is crying near the florist. She says she’s still hoping for a miracle and doesn’t understand WTF happened (but doesn’t seem to be trying at all to figure it out??). Julia says that the stress of the wedding must have driven Dermot into a delusion and he imagined the evil FAX. Then she does a long-form jello vs crème brulee metaphor and I am truly losing track of her angle at this point. (Diaz: “I can be Jell-O!” Julia: “No, creme brulee could never be Jell-O.”) Diaz asks Julia to go talk to Dermot for her. Jesus Christ, these people. If you’re old enough to get married you’re old enough to have a conversation!

Julia tells Dermot that Cameron still loves him, so he’s like, “Tell her I’ll marry her at six o’clock if she’ll still have me. Please.”


Julia goes BACK to Diaz and gives her the good news. Diaz tackles her to the ground, breaking her head off, I wish.

At last, Julia takes Dermot to a gazebo to finally spill all of her own beans: “I realize this comes at a very inopportune time but I really have this gigantic favor to ask of you. Choose me. Marry me. Let me make you happy.” Then she kisses him.



Now they all chase!


Meanwhile, Rupert Everett is at Harry Shearer’s erotica reading and he TAKES HER CALL IN THE MIDDLE OF THE READING. He asks her if Dermot kissed her back. She’s like “……” Then—thank god for him—he’s like, “Who’s chasing you? Nobody! Get it? You are not the one! You have a small but distinct window to do the right thing!” But oh fucking well! She would never!

(I noticed in the credits that Harry Shearer’s character is named Jonathan P.E. Rice, and I like to imagine that he insisted on this name.)

Julia finds Dermot in the train station being sad. She confesses that she sent the e-mail that got him fired.

He’s like “Are you crazy?”


“Jules, are you completely insane????”



Then she does that thing that abusive people do where they’re like “I’m a horrible person, I was only trying to win you back, I’m lower than pond scum, blah blah blah,” and he






Literally this is the real dialogue:

“Thank you for loving me that much. That way. It’s pretty flattering.”

Our society is shattered.

Um, okay, now this psycho is fully on the case trying to get these two pieces of shit back together. She and Dermot decide to split up and check all the important spots in town where Dermot and Cameron Diaz have done romance.

Meanwhile, back at the wedding, one of the sluts has gotten her tongue stuck to an ice sculpture’s cock. (The caliber of actor they cast for these sluts, btw—Rachel Griffiths and Carrie Preston—is breathtaking.)

Julia goes to check the baseball stadium. She’s wandering around the bathroom calling Cameron Diaz’s name, and this is the only moment in the movie where there you see a single Black person. IN CHICAGO.

Cameron and Julia yell at each other in the bathroom while a crowd of bloodthirsty women gathers around them.

Cameron: “I love this man and there’s no way I’m going to give him up to some two-faced big-haired food critic.”

Everyone applauds. THEY HATE FOOD CRITICS.

Julia: “I kissed him. I tried to steal him. I lost. He doesn’t love me. He loves you. Kimmy, I haven’t done much I’m proud of the last three days. I’d like to take you to the church so you can walk down that aisle and marry the man of our dreams, cause he sure wants to marry you.”


Then they hug.

DON’T HUG HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And then it’s the wedding! Wedding just going as planned! Yokey dokey dokey dokey dokey doo!!!!!!

Julia looks good except for these weird armpit flowers.

She and Dermot share a BIG LOOK.

This is from another planet.


Here comes the bride!

Don’t get married!!!!!

Now it’s the reception. There are only white people at this wedding, except for the band.

Julia has to make her maid of honor speech.

She says she had the strangest dream “that some psychopath was trying to break the two of you up.” Ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!! You’re a demon! She’s like, “I didn’t get you a gift. However, this is on loan until you two find your song.” And then the sluts sing “The Way You Look Tonight.”


Julia tries to get through the crowd to say bye bye to bride and groom but she can’t get to them but then Dermot is there! He found her! He hugs her then says “BYE” like a little robot.

Then they leave.

Julia is sitting around the reception being sad when suddenly Rupert appears. He came to rescue her emotionally again!!!!

I’m sorry, doesn’t he have GAY HAIR TO PULL IN MANHATTAN??!?!?!?