I Owe You an Apology

Saying "Bani Wei" 75 Times with No Explanation Was NOT Bani Wei

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I used to get in big trouble for this with editors—sometimes in my writing I like to leave a joke a little obscure/confusing, because in my head it’s like a PUZZLE for readers! As a treat! Can you untangle my horrible rat king of references? Did you fixate on the same obscure pop culture moments from 2002 that I did, like how good Mark McGrath was at VH1 Rock & Roll Jeopardy, or the time Tyrese lost his chain in the ocean while jet-skiing at MTV Spring Break? To me, those things don’t need explication, and if they are self-evident to you too, you get the thrill of recognizing that we are the exact same kind of freak. So, like, maybe I’d write something like “I was searching for the point of this movie like Tyrese searching for his chain in the Gulf of Mexico” and editors would be like NOBODY KNOWS WHAT THAT MEANS, but to me IT’S A TREAT FOR THE PEOPLE THAT DO and/or a fun scavenger hunt for the people who want to Google for it! Okay!?!?!?!?

In last week’s Butt News Movie Club I committed my signature crime (NO EDITORS HERE TO STIFLE MY SOVEREIGN SELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!), this time by employing an inside joke I have with my husband throughout the piece as though it was an outside joke. The thing is that there’s this part in the movie Stargate where the priest(?) of the enslaved space people eats a Snickers for the first time and yells “BANI WEI” over and over again, which clearly means “good” or something like that in the made-up alien slave people language. Stargate is my husband’s favorite movie, so for many years we have been declaring good things “bani wei” and things that suck “NOT BANI WEI,” and you should try it, it’s fun! For example, steamed rice with teriyaki sauce for a dollar¹? Bani wei. The incremental death of Seattle’s teriyaki culture²? NOT BANI WEI!!!!!

Anyway, I did that in my Stargate review without properly explaining it and seven million of you e-mailed me about it. I’m sorry!!!! I thought I left enough clues, but non-consensually forcing people to decipher clues in order to have a basic understanding of what you’re saying isn’t really how writing works????? I have now embedded a clip of the “bani wei” scene in the review so you can go watch it, if you want. SORRY!

The other day when I was working out with my friend Jenny I found this weird three-pronged thing lying around the gym so I pretended it was my penis and made Jenny take my picture and Jenny said, “Man, I bet there are so many people whose dream it is to hang out with you because they think you’re, like, smart and funny.”

Please never lose sight of the fact that I am, fundamentally, very, very annoying.

I SHOULDN’T HAVE LEFT YOU WITHOUT A DOPE EXPLANATION OF BANI WEI TO STEP TO.

In conclusion, this week’s Butt News Movie Club movie is… Coyote Ugly! Bani wei? Not bani wei? Find out on Friday!!!!!

<3<3<3

Lindy

1. Okay, I just did it again. This was a menu item available at Yasuko’s Teriyaki in the ‘90s that we used to go line up for during lunch when I was in high school. It was called “dollar rice” and I think about it every day. REAL MILLENNIAL GARFIELD BULLDOGS WILL KNOW!!!!!!!! And, tbh, who else am I writing for?

2. I don’t know for sure if this is happening, but I feel like there are so many fewer teriyaki places now????????? Someone please prove me wrong or I’ll die.