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The Three Most Embarrassing Things I Bought Online This Month
I Met My True Self and She Is a Huge Dork
[Portland, Oregon!!! There are still tickets left for my show Every Castle, Ranked TOMORROW NIGHT at the Aladdin Theater! And all of these other dates! Please come see me! Accessibility note: There will be 50-60 freestanding chairs reserved for fat people, and if you are superfat+ and particularly anxious about securing a chair, you can e-mail the Aladdin’s GM at firstname.lastname@example.org and reserve one with your name on it!]
Hi, Butt lovers!
I’ve been on all kinds of journeys lately! I got a new haircut, I’m doing a tiny live tour, I’m moving to the country to escape Seattle rent prices and see if I like being a RURAL PERSON, I’m finishing writing a book about crashing and then repairing my mental health, I’m trying to re-repair my mental health after crashing it again WHILST writing the book about already having done that, AND I’m trying to stay afloat financially while being on a strike against evil that seems like it might never end!
Much like the writers and actors of Hollywoodlandman, my brain has also been lobbying for better working conditions. You could say I’ve been on strike against my own health and happiness, which rocks! As part of my brain repair regimen (main components: three therapists, Zoloft, and an ADHD diagnosis), I’ve been trying to indulge my deepest self, without judgment, when she tells me what she wants. Previously what she wanted was easy stuff like Caramellos and a stuffed cat named Esmerelda that’s as big as two watermelons, but more recently she’s gotten VERY CONFIDENT and these requests have gone off the rails.
Here are three things that my inner boss baby ordered me to buy this month (and I complied):
A special edition deck of playing cards based on Mormon fantasy author Branderson Sanderson’s Mistborn trilogy ($18).
I got addicted to playing cards when I went on a mystical Olympic Peninsula road trip with my friend and KNITTING CELEBRITY Jessie Mae this summer. We played gin-rummy on the beach, in a fry-bread taco restaurant, on a whale watching ship, in an old growth forest, near some elk, and in our cursed Airbnb where we were forced to pee and poop in separate outdoor buckets—as in pee in one bucket, hold in poop, walk to other bucket ten feet away, release poop. When I came home (BOOOOOOO) I thought to myself, “Hmm! I wonder if there are special playing cards for cute girls!” AND YES THERE ARE. I then spent $100 on playing cards, including this Mistborn deck, because it felt impossible that two of my niche interests could ever collide so serendipitously, an expense that almost caused my car payment to be declined! Worth it!1
Disney’s Dreamlight Valley on PS5 ($29.99).
Tragically, this is a Disney-themed Animal Crossing/Stardew Valley clone that I paid real human money for and have so far sunk probably 100-200 hours into. It’s essentially an okra farming simulator where you occasionally have to help Donald Duck find his underpants or give the snowman from Frozen 100 rocks. I downloaded this game because I realized that games with real-time combat were giving me anxiety and I needed some way to disassociate where the scariest thing that happens is that Scar asks you to make him tekka maki because he’s in a bad mood.2 As mentioned, I do not particularly care about Disney, but literally the spiders in Animal Crossing and the mines in Stardew are too scary for my jellied mind.3
Forty-two seasons of UK Antiques Roadshow ($??????).
This is actually something that I DID NOT buy and is in fact a GREAT HEARTBREAK OF MY LIFE because it IS NOT AVAILABLE and I was TRICKED by the AMAZON PRIME MENU (A STRUCK COMPANY) that claimed they had 42 SEASONS AVAILABLE FOR STREAMING so I spent a week DEVOURING season 42, thinking that this was going to be enough comfort-watching to last me the rest of my LIFE, only to find out that SEASONS 1 THROUGH 41 ARE ACTUALLY 99% UNAVAILABLE, thus RUINING MY LIFE IN THE BLUNK OF AN EYE. Anyway, if anyone knows where I can download and own all 866 episodes of this absolutely perfect television show (HAPPY TO PAY FOR IT!), please advise. Also, I have decided that I’m switching back to physical media and am going to start re-buying my DVD collection. These streamers are all worms and snakes!4
In conclusion, please buy tickets to my shows! New Butt News movie coming soon, I promise!
With ardent love,
I have listened to, I think, 100% of the Branderson Sanderson catalogue on audiobook, even the ones I hate (naming no names, but the young adult stuff gets very sArCaStiC in a way that is not Branderson’s strong suit!), because one thing my brain demands is to always have a fantasy audiobook playing, never sad songs and NEVER SILENCE, so we stan a prolific Mormon! Thank u Branderson!
Why did this game publish my actual diary though:
However, as soon as Ahamefule retires his 2K21 character I’ll have the space to download Baldur’s Gate 3, which is NOT scary because turn-based combat is a soft boyfriend in a cable-knit sweater! Then I will finally be FREE of this infernal okra trade!
THEY WISH!!!!!!!! WORMS AND SNAKES ARE BAE!