Gimli Son of Gloin: Boyfriend Material??
Gird Your Loins and Your Hearts (and My Axe) for FMK, Lord of the Rings Edition
At the dawn of each new year, one question is sure to arise for all of us monkeys riding this crazy spaceship called Earth: if I could only flash my bazongas at ONE Tolkien-lebrity, would it be Gimli, Saruman, or Lurtz???????? But what if that choice doomed me to doing karaoke with Frodo (ABSOLUTELY SICKENING and not in the fun gay way)?!!???!
That’s the dark riddle Meagan and explore in our Very Special Winter Break Edition of Text Me Back: the LORD OF THE RINGS EPISODE. I remember how much all of you pooped ur mithrils over my Fellowship of the Ring rewatch last year (part 1, part 2), so I thought you might like this too! Until I get around to doing my Two Towers Butt News, which should be v v v v v v v v soon I hope for sure!
So, a whole podcast episode about Lord of the Rings in an ostensibly non-Lord of the Rings podcast. Is it a good idea? Maybe. Did our bosses want us to do it? No! Did our listeners like it? Seems like it! Did WE enjoy making it? More than anything else we’ve ever touched. In fact, Meagan and I (and our special guest wizard, Dr. Tyrandir the Red) recorded so much material for this episode that almost all of it had to be cut (lol)1, but what remains is the best of the best: an incredibly stupid FMK game, which we expanded to include the entire Fellowship and a bonus cast of villains!
YOUR ACTIVITIES ARE:
1 Eff
2 Marry
3 Kill
4 Hurt Their Feelings
5 Freaky Friday Mind Swap
6 Do Karaoke with and Which Song
7 You Kill a Spider and Then Have to Listen to Them Condescendingly Explain that Spiders Are Good, Actually, Because They Eat Bugs
8 Their Hair Becomes Your Pubes
9 Hire as Your Manservant as Punishment for Your Favorite Son’s Death
AND YOUR OPTIONS ARE:
Heroes (The Fellowship)
Gandalf
Boromir
Legolas
Aragorn
Gimli
Frodo
Sam
Merry
Pippin
Villains (the SMELLowship!!!!!)
Saruman + Wormtongue (package deal)
Gollum
Shelob
Lurtz (movie-only Uruk-Hai stud)
Witch King of Angmar
Sauron
Denethor
Lobelia Sackville-Baggins
Balrog of Morgoth
Please download, please listen, please prove the suits wrong, please tell your friends, and please PLAY THE GAME and post your responses here in the comments! What else are you doing on Friday night, December the 29th??? Clubbing??????????? PLEASE. WE’RE OLD.
Also, you should follow Text Me Back on Instagram! We’re posting lots of fun visual aids and video clips and coupons for free kisses! You can (SHOULD/MUST) also post your FMKHFDYTH answers there and tag us!
Lastly but not leastly, if you’ve been on the fence about diving into a new podcast, we released a sort of greatest hits this week. A yummy girl dinner of TMB classics!
WOW OK I LOVE YOU ALL GOODBYE
xoxo
Ga-Lindry-el, Lady of Lothlori-West2
WE WILL BE RELEASING LITERALLY ALL OF IT AS A SUPER BONUS EPISODE SO GET READY FOR THAT! We didn’t even have enough time to include me and Meagan’s villains list, which is so fucking funny I had to throw Meagan into the pit of Khazad Dûm. Plus, we get into some deep lore with Tyrandir the Red in “Ask a Wizard”! Follow us on Spotify or Apple Podcasts or wherever to receive this CULTURALLY SIGNIFICANT update in the next couple weeks!
I assume no one listens to the credits of podcasts but we did make up a Tolkien pun for every single person who worked on this episode, and that’s the kind of detail that makes me the proudest. Not joking!!!!!
1 Eff - Boromir. I don't care about the corruption. That dude can get it.
2 Marry - Shelob. She'll take care of me. Forever.
3 Kill - Aragorn. Too goodly, too annoying. In the way. Plus, I think it would really bother him to get killed in this way.
4 Hurt Their Feelings - Balrog. I think they'd be cute while sulking, but I'd immediately make it up to them with extra fire candy.
5 Freaky Friday Mind Swap - Merry, so I can have some fun with Pippin, and then peace out beore they get annoying.
6 Do Karaoke with and Which Song - Gandalf, Suddenly Seymour, obviously.
7 You Kill a Spider and Then Have to Listen to Them Condescendingly Explain that Spiders Are Good, Actually, Because They Eat Bugs - Legolas
8 Their Hair Becomes Your Pubes - Gollum, hehehhehe
9 Hire as Your Manservant as Punishment for Your Favorite Son’s Death - This is all Lurtz baby
The way “Jolkien Rolkien Rolkien Tolkien” has completely taken over every thought in my head is utterly criminal. But also FMK: F Boromir and Faramir (I can take them both (not in a fight)), M Aragorn even tho he’s insufferable at times, and K FRODO for the reasons Lindy listed.